AIBU to make my daughter get the bus after our row?

[PeriandOverhelmed]

What a horrible start to Monday.

My almost-16-year-old daughter has stamped off in a huff. The background is that all weekend, I nicely asked her to put her washing on - and she started it late Sunday evening. At 9.30pm (my bedtime) I found wet school trousers sat in the kitchen so I hung them up and switched off the tumble dryer. I told her it was much too late to be doing washing and she should have started earlier. This morning, I woke her 30 mins early and reminded her to sort her washing. The trousers were still hanging up and I put the tumble dryer back on. A huge pile of clothes (dirty, clean, wet, I don't know) were lying on the kitchen table and I put them in a laundry basket, took them back to her room and told her I don't know what state these are in but they can't lie in the kitchen.

I also made her breakfast and got ready to take her to school as usual. Then just before we were due to leave, she asked me to write her a note for school to explain that she's wearing leggings rather than school trousers because they're still wet. I said I'm busy getting ready, and in any case, it's her own fault her clothes are wet. She started shouting and crying, saying 'fine, I'll wear wet trousers then' and when I went to go into her room, she shoved the door shut in my face yelling she's 'getting changed for school'. I replied that I'm not taking her anywhere when she's behaving like that. A minute later, she came into my room and asked if I'm taking her to school or is she getting the bus. I said bus given her behaviour and if she shoves a door in my face like that again she can move in her with dad (we're divorced and he does nothing so it's not even an option). So off she stropped - even though it takes two buses and 2 hours to get to school that way and she'll be late.

Now I feel completely rotten about myself and don't know what to do. I guess I already know I was being unreasonable.

I personally wouldn't enter a 15year old room without knocking. I also wouldn't threaten about them having to live elsewhere when I didn't mean it. Its not her fault her dad's useless, she never choose him for a dad. I agree she should be responsible for her washing and drying and her manners in this situation was wrong, does she not have more than one pair of trousers? Why couldn't they be tumbled overnight? I agree with you not taking her but don't agree with you telling her last minute.

Some push and pull there which is inevitable with a teen but probably being late because she had to take a bus is the bit that needs thinking about.

Tomorrow is a new day.

As a child of a divorced mum and dad, I’d steer clear of threatening her to be moved out when she crosses a line. Instead something such as - ‘slam a door in my face like that again and you won’t be using your phone for the next 48 hours/ going out with X ‘ etc

Obviously there is an issue to be addressed here with her organisation and responsibility for her own stuff/jobs but making her late for school with no notice wasn't the appropriate response imo.

I do get how you feel though. At 15 she was probably unthinking, then annoyed with herself for not having her trousers (does she not have another pair?) and took that anger out on you.

Threatening to kick her out was silly too, either she believes you which is an overreaction or she knows you were bullshitting for the sake of making her feel bad. Again - easily done in the moment and we don't always act rationally as parents!

Thnaks for the reply - I'm really struggling this morning.

The door was open so she flew forward to shut it in my face (and she was dressed). I always knock if the door isn't open.

The problem with tumbling the trousers (she has two pairs, both were put in the wash at the same time) is that they shrink.

Thank you for your kindness. She knows I was bullshitting, I'm sure of it. It was a morning of clashing hormones unfortunately.

I think this is called "natural consequences".

She doesn't do her laundry on time = she has no clean, dry clothes to wear.

She behaves rudely = she doesn't get given lifts.

You were out of order for threatening her to go and live with her dad, however.

I agree with this. And also OP maybe get her one extra pair - 2 pairs isn’t many across 5 days if that’s all she’s wearing, especially if we get a wet autumn/winter.

I agree with others. I think the washing stuff is reasonable, natural consequences for not doing it earlier and hopefully she’ll learn.
I sort of agree with the bus thing other than it making her late for school? Very late or just 10 minutes? Two hours is a very long journey! Would she have apologised properly if given the chance at the time?
I think you know that threatening to send her away to her dads is not your finest moment.
Maybe a calmer conversation later. She can apologise and you can reassure her you didn’t mean it.

shit happens . I have a 13 year old dd so I understand. I wouldn’t let her get the bus if it takes 2 hours though

Teenagers have a lot on. I'd be inclined to help them in that kind of situation

I also see both sides. I’ve always said to DD I’ll never intentionally let her fail though so I would have been nagging about the washing long before it got to her having no uniform.

I also would have given the lift if I was able to. She’ll get a detention now for being late and with my DD that start to the week would result in her writing off the whole day/week too. Guessing she’s yr 11? It’s a really intense time and deserves some slack.

I get independence but it’s only the 2nd week back at school year 11 is tough
I would of just done the washing and drying tbh

Hi OP, teenagers are such fun! These things happen. Don't dwell on it today.
When I was head of year for years 9 to 11 I had a 24 hour rule where I left things after having an "incident" with one of mine. It gave us both a chance to calm down. It worked 90% of the time.
There are no real solutions to this and similar issues, but when you talk it over with her make sure you say sorry straightaway. Not because you did anything wrong but so you can point out you already apologised, so that doesnt become the thing you argue about.
I dont think all kids mature enough to sort their own clothes before they are about 35 from what I see on my train in the morning. But that may be another issue altogether.

It's just parenting, sometimes it's bloody hard! I don't think you did much wrong OP, perhaps the threat of dad a bit. Hopefully all be calm by after school and hopefully too your daughter will be a little more organised next time. It doesn't take long to load clothes into a washer or a dryer and you're right to teach her some responsibility. She will be a better adult for it :-)

I know how difficult teens can be.

Try to re-set tonight, apologise for the sending to her Dad remark.

Agree another pair of trousers could help prevent another school uniform laundering crisis.

☝🏾

Oof, tough morning 😅

Personally, I'd wash the school uniform. I do mostly agree with natural consequences, but I don't use things that will affect school as punishments. But I am petty enough to rifle through the laundry basket and only do the school uniform, but leave the favourite leggings/hoodies to fester until she brings the lot down 🤣

And I'd apologise for threatening to kick her out. Reassure her that isn't going to happen, and don't threaten it again. Teenagers are the most insecure people on the planet beneath the bravado.

Fingers crossed this week gets better!

Going against the grain here but none of my four now adult did their own laundry till they left home to go to university. Dirty clothes were placed by wearers in laundry baskets in the laundry/ utility room I found it easier to just bundle different coloured items from a large family to wash together. If they were around when washing needed hanging out, they would do it. They all put their school uniform out every night from their wardrobes before a school day. PE kit on a Friday was placed in the laundry room. They’ve all turned out into fully adjusted adults. And yes, I worked.. There are bigger things to fight about than the laundry of school aged kids…good luck .. I’m sure it will
blow over .

This ^^
It’s a learning curve for her.
Tough love.

Maybe next time she’ll be more organized and get her laundry done on Friday night.
Dont fret.

For the most part I'm a big fan of natural consequences but I'm confused as to why 9:30 is too late to be doing laundry? They could have been tumble dried quite quickly and ready for the morning and we're unlikely to be dry from hanging out?

wow you said she could go live with her useless dad because her washing was wet and she didn’t want you in her room and shoved her door shut.

Honestly it should have just been a lesson. I’d of written the note making clear it was because she had washed her trousers overnight and they were wet.

I also wouldn’t have made her late for school over it. Making her miss lessons isn’t going to teach her anything it’s just going to impact her education.

Also things like uniform I make sure are done because children are well children.

She would now go into school very late and tell the teachers that when she was ready on time her mother refused to take her so she had to bus when her mother knew it would make her late. That’s going to raise some eyebrows.

You’re unreasonable for threatening to send her to live with her dad because you have fallen out with her. It’s an empty threat anyway but even so, it’s out of order. The rest of it sounds like the arguments I’ve had with my teenagers.

I would have agreed to drive her that morning. I would not have written a note.

New simple rules for laundry are needed.
DD nominates three mornings when she prefers access to wm.

No washing Sunday afternoon.

No drying after 7 pm any night.

Being asked nicely ONCE to do something reasonable by either of you should also be the standard behaviour. And being reminded once is more than enough. After that consequences need to happen. Make that your consistant way in your home with each other. Model and practise respectful listening.

At that age I also got mine to their own washing.

this did result in a lot of washing being done very late on a Sunday night but I decided I didn’t want to know. I didn’t nag or intervene at all (which was bloody difficult)

they sorted it out eventually.

i wouldn’t have written a note. Natural consequences.

i would have given her a lift though but given she was rude….

I’d have let her put them in the tumble dryer at 9.30, and she could have taken them out herself before she went to bed.