AIBU to make my daughter get the bus after our row?

[PeriandOverhelmed]

What a horrible start to Monday.

My almost-16-year-old daughter has stamped off in a huff. The background is that all weekend, I nicely asked her to put her washing on - and she started it late Sunday evening. At 9.30pm (my bedtime) I found wet school trousers sat in the kitchen so I hung them up and switched off the tumble dryer. I told her it was much too late to be doing washing and she should have started earlier. This morning, I woke her 30 mins early and reminded her to sort her washing. The trousers were still hanging up and I put the tumble dryer back on. A huge pile of clothes (dirty, clean, wet, I don't know) were lying on the kitchen table and I put them in a laundry basket, took them back to her room and told her I don't know what state these are in but they can't lie in the kitchen.

I also made her breakfast and got ready to take her to school as usual. Then just before we were due to leave, she asked me to write her a note for school to explain that she's wearing leggings rather than school trousers because they're still wet. I said I'm busy getting ready, and in any case, it's her own fault her clothes are wet. She started shouting and crying, saying 'fine, I'll wear wet trousers then' and when I went to go into her room, she shoved the door shut in my face yelling she's 'getting changed for school'. I replied that I'm not taking her anywhere when she's behaving like that. A minute later, she came into my room and asked if I'm taking her to school or is she getting the bus. I said bus given her behaviour and if she shoves a door in my face like that again she can move in her with dad (we're divorced and he does nothing so it's not even an option). So off she stropped - even though it takes two buses and 2 hours to get to school that way and she'll be late.

Now I feel completely rotten about myself and don't know what to do. I guess I already know I was being unreasonable.

You need to be big on showing love first, boundaries on how you talk second and to model the helpful kindness you want back from them.

You know it didn’t go well. Time for reflection and bridge building.

Maybe I’m too soft with all mine but everything about this just seems like it was avoidable. Does she always do her own washing? Why was 9.30pm a cut off for drying clothes?
It doesn’t sound like there’s much team work or support going on here which with teens just ends up in far too much unnecessary drama and arguments.
I feel sorry for her regardless of how she’s reacted to you. She’s got wet clothes, going to be late for school, has been threatened to be dumped on her dad and you’ve been left feeling crap. There’s no way she’ll be on top form today in what I assume is her final year of school. She needs support and encouragement, proper communication about why we need to do certain things by certain times and just a lot less conflict. I’d suggest a proper chat when she gets home, without shouting or blame and see if you can start communicating better.
I have 3 teens so I know it’s not easy but we rarely battle. If things start to escalate, I wait until they’ve calmed and we then chat.
They help with washing - I do it for the whole family (much easier to do different coloured loads and I have a big washer) but they help with the tumble dryer and folding/sorting everyone’s into their piles. They definitely need more than a nudge some days!!
We have issues like any family of teenage boys but I’d never let it get to the point that any of mine weren’t at their best heading to school to start their week.

This exactly. Who only supplies their teenager with one pair of school trousers.

I have a similar teen that I clash with. I think you got this one wrong and escalated unnecessarily . I would have written the note and driven to school. It’s your job to get her to school in clean kit if possible.

I excusable to threaten her with eviction. Go home and give her a hug. Agree some boundaries.

In our home ,urgent stuff for school/ sport needs to be brought down to the utility.

adults do the washing here ( kids hang out and collect from washing line and put away) - and we stay up late to check that they have clean dry stuff for the morning . Last night DH stayed up til 11:30 to hang up sports kit needed for today. Nothing I can do about the blazer left at his friends house though.

I think you need to support her with her school uniform.
you had all day yesterday to help her out with that part. If you don’t want to wash the rest of her clothes that’s up to you.
teenagers do struggle. Support her.

I don't think you handled it great. Turning off the tumble dryer was unreasonable. Yes, she should have put it on earlier, but was it really a big deal to let it finish off drying for another hour once you were in bed? Why did you turn it off? Was it a control thing, if you're honest with yourself, because she didn't do things the way you wanted?

She was sorting herself out, albeit in a bit of a disorganised way, but everything would have been fine by the morning if you hadn't interfered and turned off the dryer.

Teenagers leave things to the last minute. They just do. She'll get more organised in time, but in the meantime it sounds like she's still capable of scraping by, even if she's not as efficient as you'd like her to be yet.

I don't know any secondary school children (or indeed many children, not everyone can afford lots of changes) that have 5 pairs of trousers. Most have one pair and they go in the wash on Friday night after they are taken off. In case of emergency mid-week washing they will dry overnight if you spin them, put them in the airing cupboard overnight and finish off by ironing them no prizes for guessing how I know

OP said she has two, but both were in the wash together.

Personally I don't think 15 year olds should have to be responsible for their own laundry...yes help out in the house/put a load on but not be responsible for it.
Plenty of time for that!

I tumble dry almost everything. The only thing I’ve ever had shrink was a lambs wool jumper. It came out looking like it belonged to a doll!

Tumble dryers should always be switched off at night. 9.30pm does sound a bit early but we don’t know OP’s schedule.

🤣 🤣 🤣 yes compared to adults they're just so busy!

Natural consequences are fine OP. As is expecting a 15 year old to do their own washing.

Yes, me too. You sound unduly harsh.

OP, I think it is worrying you have described this as a ‘clash of hormones’. You are the parent not a hormal teenager. The way she was treated seems really harsh and unkind, especially not letting her dry her trousers the night before which meant she was left with wet leggings, and then threatening to kick her out of her home. This actually sounds abusive. I hope this is a one off and I would be working hard to repair the damage caused to her confidence in your relationship.

Cotton definitely shrinks in the dryer unless it has something like elastase mixed in. I find 100% cotton t-shirts always shrink. The 95% cotton/5% elastase ones don’t.

Agreed.

Consequences are one thing, threatening to chuck your child out over a domestic disagreement is quite another.

Exactly this. My 2 sons are adult now. It would never have occurred to me to make them do their own laundry, everyone’s always went in together. Despite this they are both living in their own homes and managing to do their own laundry.

Can you not just do her laundry for her? There's plenty of time for her to do it herself when she is older. She is clearly not yet capable of organising herself.

So not in uniform and very late to school.

I think I would have ran an iron over the trousers last night to help them dry tbh and then if it wouldn’t have made me late I would have driven her to school, used that time to chat about uniform and laundry.

I did all the family laundry when younger than her btw so I am not suggesting that shouldn’t be doing hers, how would trousers normally dry?

Oh the joys of teenagers I feel your pain.

Mine are a little older now and I’m nearly out the other side and with the benefit of hindsight, I would say don’t underestimate the power of acknowledging where you went wrong and apologising.

Sit down with her this evening make that apology for threatening to send her to her dad‘s as that was a low blow & for the rather unfair last minute travel arrangements (Social arrangements are different matter for sure!). try and have a calm conversation about your rules and expectations. I would personally reconsider the whole do all your own washing for a 15-year-old who is still in full-time education. Could you compromise where you do the school clothes at least (assuming of course they’ve been put in the basket) or you wash laundry that she puts in the basket, she sorts and puts away.

It really is a case of picking your battles & knowing when to stand your ground but also acknowledging that disorganisation and being utterly self absorbed seems to be fairly standard teenage behaviour.

I don’t make my 17yr old DS do his own laundry as he’s got enough on with school/homework/ band practice.

If your DD doesn’t have lots going on, it’s fair enough to get her to help out.

She’s still learning how to deal with stress and as the adult in this situation I think it was your responsibility to de-escalate it rather than adding to the drama. Otherwise, what are you actually teaching her?

Well obviously not on "earlys" as she was on hand to give her daughter a lift at presumably 8.00 am ish

I wouldn't go to bed with the drier still on but the daughter was still awake and could have stayed up for half an hour until the cycle was finished

It's difficult getting things right, we want them to learn and sometimes we have to step in to help them out.

I remember my own mother, lovely, kind woman but she would do things like this and say I needed to learn but in reality I just ended up going to school in rotten form and I still think back and dislike a few situations.

With my own (5) I made sure they all knew how to use utilities, they were all capable, I thought making them do their own washing was the right thing to do as everyone told me and that's how I was raised, but the machine was going every bloody day a few times, so when they were in school, I agreed with them that their uniforms had to be in their washing baskets, if not they weren't washed, it was so much easier for me to seperate different materials and wash them all together. If you want her to do her own then yes unfortunately you'll have to nag her that it's done Friday night Saturday morning. She'll know now that doing it a Sunday night doesn't work, just explain again to her that the tumble dryer will shrink the trousers.

The lift thing, I probably would have brought her but no point me expanding on that as I'm sure you're running over it in your head yourself.

When she comes home just ask to have a chat, sit down and both take your turn on what irritated you this morning, a solution going forward and an apology for any upset you caused, she'll most likely apologise back. While she's nearly 16 and will want to be treated like an adult and nearly is, they really are still children and every small thing is absolutely huge to them.