AIBU to make my daughter get the bus after our row?

[PeriandOverhelmed]

What a horrible start to Monday.

My almost-16-year-old daughter has stamped off in a huff. The background is that all weekend, I nicely asked her to put her washing on - and she started it late Sunday evening. At 9.30pm (my bedtime) I found wet school trousers sat in the kitchen so I hung them up and switched off the tumble dryer. I told her it was much too late to be doing washing and she should have started earlier. This morning, I woke her 30 mins early and reminded her to sort her washing. The trousers were still hanging up and I put the tumble dryer back on. A huge pile of clothes (dirty, clean, wet, I don't know) were lying on the kitchen table and I put them in a laundry basket, took them back to her room and told her I don't know what state these are in but they can't lie in the kitchen.

I also made her breakfast and got ready to take her to school as usual. Then just before we were due to leave, she asked me to write her a note for school to explain that she's wearing leggings rather than school trousers because they're still wet. I said I'm busy getting ready, and in any case, it's her own fault her clothes are wet. She started shouting and crying, saying 'fine, I'll wear wet trousers then' and when I went to go into her room, she shoved the door shut in my face yelling she's 'getting changed for school'. I replied that I'm not taking her anywhere when she's behaving like that. A minute later, she came into my room and asked if I'm taking her to school or is she getting the bus. I said bus given her behaviour and if she shoves a door in my face like that again she can move in her with dad (we're divorced and he does nothing so it's not even an option). So off she stropped - even though it takes two buses and 2 hours to get to school that way and she'll be late.

Now I feel completely rotten about myself and don't know what to do. I guess I already know I was being unreasonable.

You were both unreasonable I guess but she really needs to learn to sort her stuff out and be more responsible.

Have a reset tonight. Have something nice for dinner and sit down and chat about what went wrong. Hold your hands up and be honest with her but tell her that she also needs to be more responsible and not expect you to be chasing her to get basics ready for school.

All that said, I always did the washing for me and my DC until they were at least at work, if they bothered to put things in the basket that is! Is she not yet ready for this level of responsibility or is it something she usually does?

I wouldn't care about someone washing clothes at 9.30 at night. I would do the washing for them and I would not be happy with missing school so would insist on taking them. It's not something that would even feature on my radar of things to be stressed over tbh but I'm not someone who goes to bed at 9.30.

I was in the same situation as you last week. I lost my shit and made the morning much much worse.

I came to the realisation that I need to be the calm one in the mornings.

For me, handing them a clean uniform on Sunday is something I am
happy to do to make the house run more smoothly

I think writing her a note would have taken 2 minutes and saying you’ll essentially kick her out to her dads is a nasty thing to say. Parents who are together don’t say they’ll boot their kids out if they’re not careful. You’re setting her up for abandonment issues where she’s terrified that her partner will leave every time they row.

Yes she needs to do her washing earlier, however you’re the one who switched the dryer offf… it doesn’t make much difference drying at 9am or pm. You should’ve left it drying.

And making her travel 2 hours and be late is also horrible when clearly you applied for that school assuming you’d be driving her.

Telling her to get the bus is perfectly fine.

Telling her she will be going to live with her dad for normal teenage behaviour is pretty fucking awful. Have you any idea how it feels to be rejected by a parent at that age? you don't get over it, trust me.

Also, you should knock before you enter a teenager's bedroom. I have been knocking on my son's door since he was 10.

I'm of the same mind , it's easier for me to sort the washing , it works for us especially the uniform bits . The kids can operate the machine when I'm not around. These fights happen in every house its just tough when they are on a school morning when you don't get a chance to make up. Hopefully she's learned her lesson. Teenagers get such a bad time, the pressure sometimes just builds to explosion point.

YWNBU about the note but I probably would have driven her if it takes 2 hours!

I probably wouldn’t have made the thread about her dad but you were obviously annoyed!

Chalk it up to experience and move on!

The daughter was still up though. She could have tumble dried the trousers then switched it off when she went to bed.

Yup better buy another pair of trousers. Two pairs might be a bit tricky if they cannot be tumble dried.

Yes you were why do you expect her to do her own washing??? Shes 15

Like many have commented…my parents never made me doing my own washing when I lived at home. This lasted til I was 24-ish and coming back from uni. It’s easier to wash clothes together rather than to separate. If it helps, I am a well-adjusted adult with a responsible job and can manage a household. I’m not sure what the value is in making her do her washing herself.

I would have also driven her to school. That - along with saying she can move in with her dad, seems really spiteful and although it doesn’t always work out, I try to avoid this in my parenting. I still see my main role as a parent as being love, care, and safety, alongside discipline and preparing for adulthood. This was outside of those bounds.

But the good thing about not being a 90’s parent is that you can apologise and make amends. Hopefully she will acknowledge her part, but as the parent and the adult it’s important to accept that there is an expectation that we should have learned some of the skills we are trying to teach them.

Sidestepping the issue of the argument, if you don't like to leave the tumble dryer on overnight, or have clothes that are unsuitable for tumble drying then it makes sense to get a heated airer - her trousers would have been perfectly dry by the morning, and it is better for your house than having a load of damp laundry hanging around for ages.

Why are you not doing her washing with yours?! Surely it’s easier to do it and have everything ready to avoid situations like these

Heated airers shouldn’t be left on overnight either btw, but I do find them very useful for items that can’t be tumble dried.

You sound like someone running an institution rather than her mum. Why didn’t you just wash the clothes at a reasonable time yesterday - then everything else in your post would have been avoided.

Honestly I can totally see your frustrations but I don’t think this was likely your finest moment but it happens to all of us so try not to feel so guilty about it.

I think there are a few separate issues-

1. I don’t think 2 pairs of school trousers is enough, my kids have 5 each plus spares which I appreciate might be excessive but they are young so their clothes get mucky quickly and I don’t like to be stressing about washing. 2 pairs means that your dd has to be very on the ball with her washing & gives no wiggle room so I’d definitely consider getting another 1-2 pairs if you can.
2. I think that education should be as accessible as possible so I wouldn’t do anything to make life more difficult for her in that respect, a 2 hour 2 bus ride journey is an awful lot before a school day and I don’t think refusing to give her a lift was a suitable punishment. Natural consequences are great for most things but where school is concerned I somewhat disagree, I’d maybe take away phone/ tech/ ground as punishment instead.
3. I totally agree with giving kids chores and responsibilities but I probably would just do the uniform myself, again just wanting to make sure that school wise she always has everything she needs. As another pp said, I would be petty enough to go through the basket just to get the uniform but for me personally, washing is something I will probably do for my kids until they are adults and I’ll probably prioritise other chores for them instead.
4. Threatening her to have to live with her dad was wrong and I think that you know that, it was just something you said in the heat of the argument so I’d maybe reiterate to her when she’s home that she won’t need to go and live with her dad and that it was something you said out of anger.

You have my sympathy’s, my kids are still little so we’ve not had to navigate the teen years yet but I can imagine it is not easy and it’s completely understandable that her behaviour upset you, it wasn’t ok. I don’t think you’ve really done anything wrong apart from the dad thing, try to have a nice evening together and move on from it.

I actually think you’re really failing to support her education here. You have not ensured she has clean dry clothes and you have fucked her over transport wise so she’s late. So she will be late and not appropriately dressed and potentially in trouble.

Personally I think you should focus on supporting her to get good A levels. Not fighting petty battles and making things worse.

yes, same. I don't get the rationale that if you learn to wash your clothes at 16 you'll become a fully rounded mature adult but if you don't learn until you're 18 or 21 you're doomed to failure. tbh even though I knew how to use our washing machine at home it was of barely any help when I went to uni and was faced with a completely different machine, with different load point, different settings, powder rather than pods and a slot to pay!

In terms of what to do, OP, well, apologise when she gets home? And then maybe make some ground rules - she manages her own washing but it has to be done within a certain time. If it isn't and it means her trousers are wet or she has to wear a dirty pair, she'll learn for next time.

In return you won't nag, won't enter her room without knocking and won't not give her a lift even if you've argued. If it was a twenty minute bus ride then that would be fine, but sounds like you live so far away from her school she reasonably can't get there on time without a lift, so impacting her schooling because of an argument isn't fair. I'd also make it very clear to her that you absolutely do want her living with you - saying that was really mean and unnecessarily escalated the argument, given she's clearly aware her dad wouldn't have her, so she probably feels completely unwanted. It doesn't make you a bad person - everyone says stupid things in the heat of an argument, but it's likely it's something that might have really hurt her feelings and will stick with her unless you make clear you didn't mean it.

I’ve just thought of another thing - she’ll be in her GCSE years presumably and you’ve caused her to miss lessons. That’s really bad form as a parent and won’t be looked on kindly by the school if she tells them that you’ve been spiteful like this. You come across as being really unkind.

I sympathise I have a daughter the same age and getting her to do most things takes me 3 or 4 reminders and then normally a telling off! I’ve also definitely made a rod for my own back because no one touches my washing machine apart from me!

I imagine you feel absolutely rotten about it anyway but I really would steer clear from threatening her to go to her dads as I’m sure you’re aware that was also a massive over reaction on your part whilst she has already over reacted. Sorry but I also think revoking her lift to school knowing it would make her late was also quite harsh.

Joys of teenage parenting eh!

Agree with this and that's aside from the fact it can't be very cost effective with individuals all doing their own washing

she also needs to be more responsible and not expect you to be chasing her to get basics ready for school.

I don't think DD expects (or probably wants) OP to be chasing her to get basics ready for school. This whole situation would not have happened if OP hadn't been micro-managing the laundry and just left DD to it.

I don’t understand why the tumble dryer couldn’t stay for the extra 30mins whilst you were in bed?

Surely nobody would leave a tumble dryer working overnight? It really is dangerous as a fire can easily start. Please don't do it. I always turn mine off during the day if I go out too.