AIBU to make my daughter get the bus after our row?

[PeriandOverhelmed]

What a horrible start to Monday.

My almost-16-year-old daughter has stamped off in a huff. The background is that all weekend, I nicely asked her to put her washing on - and she started it late Sunday evening. At 9.30pm (my bedtime) I found wet school trousers sat in the kitchen so I hung them up and switched off the tumble dryer. I told her it was much too late to be doing washing and she should have started earlier. This morning, I woke her 30 mins early and reminded her to sort her washing. The trousers were still hanging up and I put the tumble dryer back on. A huge pile of clothes (dirty, clean, wet, I don't know) were lying on the kitchen table and I put them in a laundry basket, took them back to her room and told her I don't know what state these are in but they can't lie in the kitchen.

I also made her breakfast and got ready to take her to school as usual. Then just before we were due to leave, she asked me to write her a note for school to explain that she's wearing leggings rather than school trousers because they're still wet. I said I'm busy getting ready, and in any case, it's her own fault her clothes are wet. She started shouting and crying, saying 'fine, I'll wear wet trousers then' and when I went to go into her room, she shoved the door shut in my face yelling she's 'getting changed for school'. I replied that I'm not taking her anywhere when she's behaving like that. A minute later, she came into my room and asked if I'm taking her to school or is she getting the bus. I said bus given her behaviour and if she shoves a door in my face like that again she can move in her with dad (we're divorced and he does nothing so it's not even an option). So off she stropped - even though it takes two buses and 2 hours to get to school that way and she'll be late.

Now I feel completely rotten about myself and don't know what to do. I guess I already know I was being unreasonable.

It was clearly a fraught morning, but I think at the point your dc is in a stress about getting to school you should help, even if it's their own fault. You can talk about doing things differently later on.

I don't understand why you didn't let her dry her trousers that night, it sounds like you were irritated she hadn't done her washing earlier so this was a punishment? I don't think it's a good punishment to make her feel embarrassed about not having the right uniform, or to make her wear wet clothes.

It seems like quite an arbitrary rule that she can't do her washing in the evening anyway! At least she did it!

What kind of trousers is she wearing for school, if they'll shrink if tumble dried? If they're synthetic (as most uniform is), they can't shrink, but I wear exclusively natural fibres or things with a very little added man-made content, and they don't shrink how ever they are dried.

Threatening to kick her out is not ok at all, either. It's hardly going to help her feel safe and supported. She's less likely to be able to do the things you want her to if her brain is looking out for danger because she's developed a sense that the adults around her won't keep her safe.

I’d have done her washing for her and no matter how mad I was, I’d have taken her to school.

I’ve been furious with my DS many times and vice versa but I have always taken him where he needed to be.

We might still be mad at each other but I’m the adult so I just start talking to him normally and he responds and we get over it.

I hope you’re going to pick her up from school! I’d be taking a wee treat of some sort for her; a drink, bar of chocolate 🍫 or something.

I understand where you’re coming from but I feel a little sorry for your daughter, she’s only 15. Did you have to turn the dryer off? You probably knew the trousers weren't going to dry. It feels like you set her up to fail. I’m all for supporting independence but this all feels avoidable.

Thinking more i dont know how using someone's father is a punishment you had a child with him you chose your child's father so why on earth should that be a punishment

The whole thing sounds weird

What a fuss about a few clothes..couldn't you have just put a wash on for her on Saturday with some of your clothes or something? You knew her trousers would not dry by Monday morning. I always washed my son and daughters clothes mixed in together. They grew up to be very self sufficient both are high earning professionals.

Tumble dryers should not be used when you aren't in the house or when you are asleep.

You are the adult in this situation and the mother of your daughter. Jesus bloody Christ start acting like it! I am the daughter of people like you, was doing my own laundry from 14 and knew there was no point asking for lifts etc. I cannot tell you how much easier my life would have been with a bit of logistical support and I just ended up resenting the pair of them.

By contrast, my 16 year old came in from a long shift (he was there 10am until 7pm) in the potwash at the pub across the road. He came in about 8pm as he'd stopped for a drink with his friends. My bedtime is around 9pm these days for context. As he came in he stopped for a chat and mentioned that he'd been asked to go in today (he's not at college on Mondays) and I noticed that his jeans were soaking wet and he only has one pair of jeans that I'm willing to write off to a pub kitchen! I asked him to pop his jeans and t shirt off and I put them on to wash and dry (we have a washer dryer for space) and they were clean and dry this morning ready for him to go back. it took me 30 seconds to do and I'll do his laundry for college today while he's at work because he's not about to do it himself.

I consider being a parent a privilege and in any case would try and help anyone out if I could, let alone my own child. Stop being so childish and support your daughter. As for telling her she can live with her dad over school trousers, words actually fail me! Grow up!

You owe her an apology for threatening to throw her out and make her live with her dad over laundry and being a bratty teen. She should behave better but she’s a hormonal teen and will make mistakes, she doesn't deserve to have her home threatened for it.

But that asides it sounds like you need a good talk and to reinforce the rules. I’d still have written the note for school for her, and to be honest I’d have just dried the trousers for her. I don’t think making her get the bus after she slammed the door in your face was unfair though.

Sounds like a crap morning all round, hopefully you both feel better this evening and can apologise to each other.

It was a morning of clashing hormones unfortunately.

Ok, but you're the adult here. She's had five years or so to get used to hers, whereas you've presumably had about 30.

Why are you being unreasonable? Leave her to it … she can come home later and sort her washing out, that she should have done over the weekend.

All sounds predictable and avoidable.

I would just come to a different arrangement about the washing. We do family loads as separating it into people would be really inefficient.

If the washing wasn't on before Sunday morning and the trousers don't tumble dry safely, then you knew for 24 hours that Monday morning was going to be chaos. Feels like you set both of you up to fail at that point really.

Sorry to derail but... so what does shrink, if synthetic fibres don't shrink and natural ones don't shrink either? Genuinely asking BC I'm confused... I've definitely had things shrink in the dryer!

Have a chat tonight calmly tonight.
I understand your frustration - you knew the clothes needed washing and drying and the time it takes, you asked your dd and she didnt do it and then instead of not doing the washing at all and wearing dirty clothes she did it but it was too late for it to be done properly
From an outside view you have the experience of knowing how long things take etc and from her point of view she did what you wanted and you still got cross.
Perhaps a strict deadline of "clothes need to be in the machine/drying by x time on sunday"
I think you should have taken her to school but its too late now so try to move on calmly

@PeriandOverhelmed I think you've shot yourself in the foot. If she is very late for school and gets a detention ( equally if she had gone to school in leggings and got one that way) she will be hating you for a while longer yet. If she only has 2 pairs of trousers, is it a good idea for her washing to be done only once a week? What happens in the case of rips, tears, weather, mud, unexpected periods? I'm all for giving kids responsibilities but some things I did make mine. Washing was one of them just because it does take a lot of planning and forethought, especially in homes where much of the laundry is school and work uniforms. Also, the economic and ethical side should be a consideration, surely?

You sound like you were antagonising her, by taking wet laundry into her room etc when she’d started it.

Threatening her about kicking her out is unacceptable. Yes, she should have done laundry earlier, but 2 pairs of trousers is ridiculous for the entire week. You need to ensure she has enough clothes that laundry isn’t critical after a day or two

Never, ever threaten any DC of any age by saying they can go and live elsewhere. It's sending them a message that your love is conditional. Even if at an intellectual level they understand that it is an empty threat, at an unconscious level it can be very damaging.

Apologise to your DP this evening. Say you shouldn't have said it, you didn't mean it and never say it again.

why did you stop her doing the laundry?

If you normally take her to school then it was especially petty tp withdraw that arrangement for something that has nothing to do with the lift.

I would not set my children up to fail at school by not providing clean, washed and ironed uniform ready for the start of a new week. Teens can be notoriously rude and disorganized, and you’re right to pick up on that, but it’s really unkind to watch this unfold over the weekend and not wash her clothes sooner to mitigate for the drying issue.

I understand parenting can be hard and you're not in the wrong for expecting her to do some chores. I would next time ensure she does it earlier yourself, and keep supervising her until she does it at the correct time. You don't have to actually do the chore, but you can provide some accountability.

What you should NOT be doing is threatening to kick her out, over something as small as a disagreement over washing. Not sure what else is going on, whether there are other issues, but that kind of threat will ruin your relationship. My parents did it to me when I was that age and we've never really recovered from it, I don't trust them and I realise their love is contingent on my behaviour (I wasnt even very bad tbh and your DD doesn't sound it either) which is a horrible way to make your child feel.

Oh op this sounds like mornings in our house in fact.this morning my 14 yr old couldn't find his shirt and hadn't done anything id told.him to do on Sunday ie. Lay his uniform out.

Yes he did get his lift as usual. I think id be v annoyed about the washing etc but wouldn't further punish with no lift as it just makes the whole day stressful

But dont feel.bad...teenagers are enraging !!

Btw anyone who does their teens washing until they leave home is not teaching them to look after themselves

5 pairs would be excessive in high school , they can be work multiple days. 2 sounds sufficient - as long as not both washed late on a Sunday.

Why were you still trying to barge your way into her room when she was trying to get away from you?

You should have let her finish the washing at 9.30, I also don't know what kind of school trousers you've got but I've been through having 5 kids at school and have never come across trousers that shrink in the dryer.

Why does she need 5 pairs. U can wear something more than once!