AIBU to make my daughter get the bus after our row?

[PeriandOverhelmed]

What a horrible start to Monday.

My almost-16-year-old daughter has stamped off in a huff. The background is that all weekend, I nicely asked her to put her washing on - and she started it late Sunday evening. At 9.30pm (my bedtime) I found wet school trousers sat in the kitchen so I hung them up and switched off the tumble dryer. I told her it was much too late to be doing washing and she should have started earlier. This morning, I woke her 30 mins early and reminded her to sort her washing. The trousers were still hanging up and I put the tumble dryer back on. A huge pile of clothes (dirty, clean, wet, I don't know) were lying on the kitchen table and I put them in a laundry basket, took them back to her room and told her I don't know what state these are in but they can't lie in the kitchen.

I also made her breakfast and got ready to take her to school as usual. Then just before we were due to leave, she asked me to write her a note for school to explain that she's wearing leggings rather than school trousers because they're still wet. I said I'm busy getting ready, and in any case, it's her own fault her clothes are wet. She started shouting and crying, saying 'fine, I'll wear wet trousers then' and when I went to go into her room, she shoved the door shut in my face yelling she's 'getting changed for school'. I replied that I'm not taking her anywhere when she's behaving like that. A minute later, she came into my room and asked if I'm taking her to school or is she getting the bus. I said bus given her behaviour and if she shoves a door in my face like that again she can move in her with dad (we're divorced and he does nothing so it's not even an option). So off she stropped - even though it takes two buses and 2 hours to get to school that way and she'll be late.

Now I feel completely rotten about myself and don't know what to do. I guess I already know I was being unreasonable.

Tough love is a phrase i hate

You also sound like a petulant teenager

Writing this from a position of blissful ignorance because my children have only just entered the teen years and everything is currently lovely.

It felt like reading a back-and-forth between two teenagers. Bring me your washing, no you can’t use the tumble, I’m turning it off, why did you bring the washing down, I’m bringing it back up, don’t come in my room, go live with your dad, write me a note, get the bus.

Neither of you come out of this well but I am sure one of you is meant to be an adult. I was a little shocked that she’d brought a miscellaneous pile of clothes down and you took them straight back up, are you 12?

also OP, you said the reason for the bust up was ‘clashing hormones’. But you’re the parent, you need to find a way to manage yourself, you’re stronger than that.

I don’t understand why she couldn’t do her laundry at 9.30 last night - it would have prevented all this drama.

Have you never met a teenager? They do everything late at night. You didn't need to be so horrible to her by threatening to throw her out. This is not about hormones, it's about you being an adult and negotiating properly with a teenager.

How is it a natural consequence that as a result of being disorganised about her washing the DC now has to spend 2 hours getting to school on the bus?

Natural consequences would be having to wear last week's trousers, wearing wet trousers or wearing leggings (and potentially getting into trouble).

OP chose a school that is difficult to get to on public transport, presumably on the understanding that she would provide lifts every day. Withdrawing this knowing there isn't a sensible alternative and her daughter will therefore miss school (at almost 16, presumably a GCSE year?) is neglectful.

She did wash her trousers late last night but they were difficult to dry then.
OP said they shrink if tumble dried so that wasn’t an option.

I think you almost created the scene, your DD is 15 yo, like a lot of kids her age, they are dis-organised at times. When you saw the wet trousers last night, you’d have known well they weren’t going to be dry unless they went in the tumble dryer. If it were me, I’d have stuck them in the dryer first thing this morning for her on a gentle heat so they’d be dry in time.

What did you think she was going to wear if the trousers were wet ? You then dumped a load of laundry in her room, when you pretty much knew well that would cause a scene, then you refused to write her a note and at the end of the drama, you told her to get the bus to school, knowing well it would have made her late. Then finished it all off by telling her to go live with her Dad.

The whole drama could easily have been avoided if you’d just bailed her out and stuck the trousers in the dryer this morning, I’d doubt they’d have shrunk that much. I’m very much in favour of teens doing their bit around the house, including some laundry but also know that there’s times that we need to give them a dig out.

OP, who’s the adult here? Of course it’s not unreasonable at fifteen to expect her to do her own washing, but why did you not invite her to do it Friday evening or Saturday? She’s still only a kid - if you want to teach her lessons about being organised and washing clothes in good time, don’t use school uniform to do it - she doesn’t have a choice. Frankly, you deserve to feel bad: of course you should have taken her to school. Can you pick her up today by way of apology? And don’t EVER tell her to go to her father’s because one day, she might be cross enough to do so. At the very least, OP, apologise to her when she comes home - and buy her another pair of school trousers so she can have one to wear, one clean and one in the wash. Emphasise that there should at all times be a clean pair available to avoid such confrontations in the future.

Sorry, but you are supposed to be the mature adult and parent here. She messed up, that’s what teenagers do, but the situation then became much bigger than it needed to be.

If this is how things generally play out between you, with situations becoming confrontational and escalating, it’s not surprising that she is reflecting that behaviour back at you. Your job isn’t to make sure she never gets things wrong, it’s to calm things down, help her deal with getting things wrong, find solutions where you can, and experience reasonable consequences without turning it into a battle.

She was at fault with the washing, absolutely. But the wet trousers and the note for school were really a problem to solve, not a hill to die on. Saying you wouldn’t take her to school because she shoved the door, and especially telling her she could go and live with her dad, escalated things enormously.

You may have been saying the latter in anger and not actually mean it, but you are still putting the idea into her head that leaving home is the solution when things between you become intolerable. I’ve seen that happen in my own family. My niece constantly butted heads with her mum and eventually asked to live with her dad. Their relationship never recovered, she barely speaks to her mum now. Her dad had very few boundaries, and unfortunately my niece ended up becoming a very young single mum of two.

I’m not saying that’s where this is heading, but I do think it’s worth stepping back and looking at the bigger picture. This morning became a battle over washing that was unnecessary.

I couldn't live with that much drama and control.

You asked her to do her washing and was doing it. And then, for some reason, you took over.

If you ask her to do her washing, let her do her washing. If she finds her trousers and wet or too small in the morning then, lesson learned.

Sorry OP, but it all sounds like a downwards spiral that blew up this morning, but had plenty of warning shots. I'm more of a pick your battles parent, and this one was a loss leader from the start and I think you both fuelled it.

I don’t get the logic of everyone doing their own washing. If that was the case in my house it would cost me a fortune in energy and water bills. I make it clear to my kids I’ll wash their clothes IF they are placed in the dirty basket. If not then that’s their problem and they wait until the next load or wash it yourself

It was only 9.30pm I would have tumble dried whatever was wet. You could have told her to take them out when it had finished. You set her up to be late today.

A spare pair of trousers would have avoided all this hoo-hah and shouting.
Blimey.

I do think you were too harsh, particularly telling her that if she behaves like that she can go and live with her dad.

Whatever age a child is, I think that is a really damaging thing to throw into an argument. Home should not feel conditional on them behaving perfectly, and with separated parents especially I would be very careful about using the other parent or where they live as a threat in the heat of the moment.

She was absolutely wrong to shout at you and shove the door in your face. At almost 16 she is old enough to be held accountable for that, and I would expect an apology and a proper conversation about how she speaks to you.

But you are still the parent, and personally I wouldn’t have let the row disrupt something as basic as getting her to school, particularly when the alternative is two buses and a two-hour journey.

You could have driven her in silence if necessary, or said, “I’m taking you to school because that is the routine, but we will talk about your behaviour later.” The consequence for her behaviour could then have been something separate and proportionate rather than making school attendance part of the punishment.

I also think this morning was probably the culmination of her knowing she had messed up with the washing, panicking about having no school trousers, feeling embarrassed about the uniform situation and then reacting badly when she felt criticised. That explains it; it doesn’t excuse the shouting or door-shoving.

I’d apologise specifically for the “go and live with your dad” comment when she gets home, while still being clear that her behaviour towards you wasn’t acceptable either.

Something along the lines of: “I was angry this morning and I shouldn’t have said you could go and live with Dad. I didn’t mean that, and I’m sorry. But shouting at me and shoving the door in my face was not okay either, and we need to talk about that.”

You can own your part without letting her off the hook for hers.

I feel like you escalated this whole situation to where it didn't need to be. Now your daughter is going to be late for school wearing wet trousers.

The fact that she started it at your bed time, so what? You want her to act like and adult and sort her own things out yet at the same time are treating her like a child and putting arbitrary rules on when she should and shouldn't be doing things.

The this morning the same thing, you start moving her laundry around first thing on a Monday morning, following her around on her case, you switch things up on her and decide that actually you won't be driving her leaving her no choice but to be late.

It feels like you were actively seeking conflict and you got what you wanted.

That doesn’t explain why OP felt she had to interfere though.

She should have left her daughter to sort her own clothes out. She’s 15, she doesn’t need her mum to get involved.

It was like a war-zone of point scoring this morning. What’s the point of all this stress in the morning. You don’t spoil her by supplying a clean uniform on a Monday morning.
Doesn’t seem like you are good at keeping on top of laundry either if your table is covered with a mix of dirty and clean clothes.

It sounds like you turned the dryer off knowing that it meant she wouldn’t have trousers to wear the next day. Whilst I think it’s good she is being taught to do it herself , as a parent you should be making sure she has uniform to get to school in. Wouldn’t it have been easier to put them in the dryer. you also could have asked her to move her laundry - yes it’s annoying she left it there but now you’ve mixed it all up and she has to redo it.

I really don't think you handled that correctly at all
Her dad doesnt bother with her and you can't be arsed to even write a note and when she's upset you threaten to kick her out.

And to deliberately make her late for school because your in a strop which will likely result in more sanctions and punishment is not on.

Not the best parenting

Sorry missed the bit about not being able to tumble dry them. Not sure what the relevance of turning the dryer on and off was then.

but then the issue is that a pair wasn’t already washed mid week. Did both need washing yesterday?

Surely she has like 5 pairs of school trousers why are they all wet ? If she doesn’t have enough trousers get more ! Also I never had to do my washing at 16 . I helped out but my mum washed it. Think it’s probably a bit harsh she’s still at school …

Hmm @PeriandOverhelmed It's good that she knows how to do laundry. My teen boys (13 and 16) know how to but I am the one who does it. They are stressed enough with long hours in school, homework and teenage angst. I don't know any other parents that let their teens take responsability for their laundry other than putting it in the basket.