AIBU to feel upset my daughter-in-law will not help with our dog?

[BadGran]

I know I probably IABU but I need a little moan. My husband & I are currently in a very difficult situation with a very ill relative and we need to travel to see them urgently.

It’s all happened very quickly and as a result we are struggling to find someone to look after our dog while we are away. We have 3 children - our 2 daughters are always happy to chip in with the dog where they can when we are in a bind but my son’s wife does not like dogs and won’t have them in her house which i do understand but means our dog has to stay in the garden when we go to their house which isn’t always ideal depending on the weather etc and I know it annoys my daughters.

Anyway both my daughters have jobs with no flexibility or working from home options so can’t help on this occasion. My son is working abroad. My Daughter-in-Law is a housewife so theoretically could help but as previously mentioned she refuses to have anything to do with the dog.

I know she is perfectly within her rights and it’s our dog not hers but I’m finding it quite hard not to feel quite cross about the whole situation as I feel this is adding an additional layer of stress in already horrible circumstances.

AIBU to feel this way ?

Where did you get grandchildren from? You didn’t mention it in your post and I don’t think OP did.
And it is different. Clearly MIL has had children at some point and is probably not averse to humans in her house or vicinity.

You are being unreasonable.
I love my dog but would never push him on someone who I knew would be uncomfortable around him.
I hope you’re not making your poor DIL feel uncomfortable or guilt tripping her, it could put unnecessary strain on your relationship with her and with your son.
Pay a dog sitter. I hope your situation gets easier soon.

That would make me feel awful if a relative thought I was choosing not to help. I had a dog phobia as a child and as an adult I have gradually grown to tolerate dogs. But I don’t know how to be around them and would feel scared in my own home if I had one walking about the place. I really, really don’t know what to do with a dog or how to be around a dog. I wouldn’t be able to help. But to be honest I’d feel really hurt if a family member thought it was ok to expect me to be able to.

I would not look after a dog as I can't do the pooh ! I hate animal cruelty, I work all day and so think its cruel to have a dog shut in the house all day even though my boys were desperate for a dog when they were younger - so 2 good reasons for me to say no

YABU. I do quite like dogs, and I’m sure if I ever had one I’d love it like it was my flesh and blood.

However, I can only assume that dog owners are totally nose blind. To me they all smell, and even when they’re adorable and I stroke/cuddle them I can smell them on me afterwards and for that reason alone none are welcome in my house.

Also - I think the cats would move out.

(I do assume cats have a smell that I can’t smell and also would not expect someone who didn’t like cats to have my cat in their house.)

She is selfish and should help in an emergency

The OP is selfish to expect her to look after an animal she doesn't like.

Yes, looking after an animal I don’t like or have an irrational fear of is just an inconvenience. To me at least 🤷‍♀️

You say the dog has to stay in the garden when you visit - why do you even take the dog with you in the first place?

Very unreasonable. I love dogs but they are messy and smelly. They leave fur and muddy paw prints. They need to be walked and looked after. If someone never had dogs and doesn't like them, you can't force them to look after one. Can't you put the dog in a pet hotel for the holiday? That's what many people do

Rational fear?

To me it's not an inconvenience. It's a lot of doing something I really really don't like. It's picking up poo (gross), it's dealing with the food (gross and smelly), it's walking it (when?), it's having an unpredictable creature in the house, it's the hair, it's organising life around it. All for something I don't want, like or need.

I'll do most things for most people and regularly help friends and relatives in all kinds of situations. Dog care is beyond reasonable imo.

But again, if you like dogs, you won't get it.

Yeah no way is looking after an animal you are scared of “just an inconvenience”.

By definition if you’re not on edge, distressed, heart beating etc when looking after an animal and you just see it as inconvenient task, you’re not scared of said animal. Simple.

It is like someone with arachnophobia saying how “inconvenient” it is to get rid of spiders. They just wouldn’t. They’d say it’s terrifying not inconvenient!

Women who don’t work outside the home are always expected to be available to fix their relatives’ problems. “Oh, she can do it, she doesn’t work! No one pays her a wage for her time, so clearly it’s worth nothing!”

She does not like dogs. I would not bring my dog there and I would not be spending long there if my dog had to stay at home. Simple

It really isn't the same thing.

Grandparents already raised their children so they have a lot of experience in looking after a child. I'm guessing that they also don't dislike children as they wouldn't have decided to be parents in the first place.

Someone who never had a dog is not used to them, doesn't have the confidence to be in charge of a dog - it needs to be learned through experience. I know because my husband is like that, he has no clue what to do whenever there's a dog around. I can't imagine him looking after someone's dog without any help. That woman also actively dislikes dogs. This isn't just inconvenience, it's a completely different thing.

How is it an emergency? The dog's owner isn't in hospital, the dog just isn't convenient for them right now. Dogs aren't convenient, it's a sacrifice of dog ownership that many dog people are willing to make. There are options in true emergencies (I think the Cinnoman Trust) but OP and her partner not wanting to take the dog and get an air B&B near the ill relative is not a emergency, it's a preference.

its actually potentially dangerous to have a dog in a home, especially one with children, where no one likes dogs or knows how to interact and look after them. It isn’t second nature for non dog people, and this is exactly the sort of situation where even a normally placid dog could trigger stack and end up biting someone. Not everybody can look after dogs even when it is second nature to those of us who are dog people.

Why are you taking your dog to her house when you know she doesn't like dogs???

This is up there with one of the most entitled ones on mumsnet!

as you say it’s not her dog. You chose to have a dog, she didn’t. She doesn’t like dogs so why on earth should she take yours?

you are being very unreasonable

YABU she isn't suddenly going to get over her aversion and why should she? Would you suddenly house a cat? Hope you manage to find some suitable care and that your relative is ok though.

You are totally in the wrong. It’s your dog, your responsibility. Your daughter in laws house and up to her what she does and doesn’t. Your crossness is misguided. I’m not a dog person and wouldn’t help out no matter what the circumstances. It’s not unreasonable at all.

Yes. I agree. Lack of empathy is startling.

Even if she liked dogs she shouldn’t have to look after yours. Book kennels

YAB totally unreasonable. Put the dog in the kennels I dislike dogs and would never look after one. Also, why are you bringing your dogs to her house generally? Leave them at home!

@BadGran has been asked this several times and is evading the question!