AIBU to feel upset my daughter-in-law will not help with our dog?

[BadGran]

I know I probably IABU but I need a little moan. My husband & I are currently in a very difficult situation with a very ill relative and we need to travel to see them urgently.

It’s all happened very quickly and as a result we are struggling to find someone to look after our dog while we are away. We have 3 children - our 2 daughters are always happy to chip in with the dog where they can when we are in a bind but my son’s wife does not like dogs and won’t have them in her house which i do understand but means our dog has to stay in the garden when we go to their house which isn’t always ideal depending on the weather etc and I know it annoys my daughters.

Anyway both my daughters have jobs with no flexibility or working from home options so can’t help on this occasion. My son is working abroad. My Daughter-in-Law is a housewife so theoretically could help but as previously mentioned she refuses to have anything to do with the dog.

I know she is perfectly within her rights and it’s our dog not hers but I’m finding it quite hard not to feel quite cross about the whole situation as I feel this is adding an additional layer of stress in already horrible circumstances.

AIBU to feel this way ?

You know how she is with dogs so you shouldnt even have her as an option in your head. You will either have to take dog with you or use a kennel.

I don´t like dogs, so no, I wouldn´t help you with it either.

Just to add from earlier comment - and sorry if it feels like I am putting the boot in - we were middle aged when we got rookiedog.

How we would handle it if my elderly DPs needed urgent care was one of the considerations and we put back up plans in place, which we’ve had to adjust as circumstances change. But it’s simply a factor you need to try and build in as part of dog ownership, and making someone who doesn’t like dogs and doesn’t choose to own one part pf your solution planning is simply not fair on that person.

because she has asked for a stupid thing and been upset when refused when she has a simple cast iron solution starting her in the face. One partner travels, the other partner stays with the dog.

all that faff when all they have to do is for one of the couple to stay at home

Is this a wind up?
she doesnt have to look after your dog. Find a kennel or a dog sitter.
She is generous even letting the dog come in her garden. I dislike how some people bring their dogs everywhere and expect everyone to be fine with it (and I say that as someone who has a dog and has had cats, rabbits, turtles, fish, mice, chickens and a budgie as pets at various points).
some people dont like dogs, are scared of dogs or struggle either their smell or other aspects. She doesnt have to have the dog in her house. You are being 1000% unreasonable expecting her to look after your dog when your three kids have work. Just because she is a housewife doesnt mean she is free to look after your dog.

So many people say "but my dog won't go into kennels" - well surely your dog will go anywhere you take it?!

I’m a dog person but I couldn’t have anyone else’s dog in the house because my own elderly dog wouldn’t cope with it now. I have also looked after dogs for friends in the past and it’s been a right pia when the dogs have turned out to be poorly behaved or just stressed at the change. I’m obviously in a different situation to your dil, but the point is you have no right to expect anyone to accommodate your dog.

I understand the reluctance to use kennels but you might have no choice. One option might be to ask one of your daughters to have the dog and then pay for a dog walker/sitter to come and walk him while they are at work? You could look for a live-in sitter but I doubt you’ll get one at short notice.

I think it's weird you'd even factor someone who doesn't like dogs in as a potential dog sitter. I have dogs but they don't stay with family relatives as none of the rest of my family particularly care for dogs. And that's fine!

I appreciate it can be hard getting a sitter at short notice but you'll find one - and the situation really isn't your DIL's fault.

What kind of dog lover foists her dog on someone who doesn’t like them? I thought many people think of dogs as important as humans these days and at the same level as family. Would you leave your child with somebody who hated kids? I wouldn’t!

That's as may be. But logically, we are surely not the people to ask when you need your dog looking after!

My parents got a labrador when I was 10 because brother wanted to. It was very well trained, at my Dad's insistance, but as the first person in from school / work, it became my responsibility. Occasionally I'd have to clean up vomit, she needed letting out, walking, poo picking up etc. I did all these things assiduously (I suppose Dad trained me as well as the dog!)
Dog walked to heel, wasn't allowed to approach strangers, certainly not children, and was never taken where she wasn't welcomed, eg shops, cafes, other people's houses.
I never wanted a dog, and I was never particularly pleased we had one. I don't really agree with pet ownership in general, I think farmers should have dogs, and obviously guide dogs (which undergo rigerous training).
I don't like badly trained dogs.
I've met 3 dogs in the past 10 years that I'd consider well trained (one a retired guide dog, another that had failed it's guide dog exams and gone to live with my friend (fully sighted!) . I don't have dogs in my property and I am not the friend to ask for dog sitting.
I'll drive you places, help you move house, decorate / build furniture when you move, cook for you and have your kids as long as necessary. I'm a good person to work through problems with as I tend to ask the right questions. I'll have people stay as much as suits them, including kids. I'm tall so can get things off high shelves! I'm good at all that stuff.
I hate being asked to look after dogs and don't like being around them.
According to some on this thread I'm therefore "selfish" but I view it as the dog owner really needing to ask people to play to their strengths. Take your dog where she is welcome!

I am wary of dogs and I wouldn't do this either OP. You and your daughters don't sound particularly nice, moaning behind her back that your DIL won't do your bidding with regards to your dog.

I think every dog owner needs to have a contingency plan for emergencies like these. And no, dumping the dog on the nearest available female in the family regardless of her wishes, is not a contingency plan.

Dunno why I posted a waving man.
I can't edit him out though!

Maybe she does not want the expense of dog food, collars and leads, dog toys, vet bills either, but that is her problem. If you decide to get a dog, you are responsible for dog-related expenses, including those you have not foreseen because you did not think your decision through properly. If you begrudge the expense, or cannot afford it, you just don't get a dog. Nobody is obliged to have one.

I bet these are the same people who spend hours at the wheel because their adult children 'won't use public transport'.

Eloquently said.

YABU and shouldn't have even asked her if you know that she doesn't like dogs.

There must be kennels near you.

Also surely the dog would not enjoy staying somewhere where it is disliked? YABU

Of course she's unreasonable - there are plenty of people that like dogs and make a living out of looking after them - but she doesn't want pay and is expecting someone who is scared of dogs - lets face it she is minimising it by saying 'doesn't like' - should suck it up since she's cheap

this

I don't think reasons for saying no are relevant even in extreme situations. Someone asks you to do something. You say I am really sorry but that won't be possible.

I hate that a fear or phobia of dogs is just ignored, either the 'It's fine, they're lovely' type that then shoves the dog in your face, or it's mocked as not real.

Maybe consider other phobias? I don't have a problem with spiders or snakes, but I'm not about to minimise others fears, or chuck a spider at them and say, it's fine! He's lovely.

I’m an animal lover and will 99% of the time side with the dog/dog owner, but in this case OP even I think you’re being batshit unreasonable.

Any annoyance should be directed towards your own kids, if anyone. Your son can come home or your daughters can take time off work. Why should your DIL have to help when she has been clear and consistent about her boundaries ?

Also, why are you taking the poor dog to DIL’s house when you know it’ll have to sit outside the whole time ? Leave the dog at home!

More importantly though, as a dog owner you should have something in place for emergencies rather than just assuming that family will jump in. A good option is to have a paid pet sitter in place, who has taken time to get to know your dog and who your dog feels comfortable with. That doesn’t help you right now but hopefully this situation will be a prompt for you to sort it out.

OP has pet sitters, but none of them are available at such short notice.

Does your DIL refer to herself as a housewife? I find this an extremely dated and sexist term. The way you speak about your DIL is generally quite derogatory. You come across as saying that your Dd's are far too busy with their important jobs, but as a lowly 'housewife' your DIL's time should be completely at your disposal. Also your Dd's have no right to get annoyed that DIL doesn't want YOUR dog in HER house. You all sound extremely entitled.

Myself and my youngest Dd are slightly nervous around dogs. DH and oldest DD are terrified of them (DH was attacked and pulled to the floor by 3 dogs as a child). No, there is no way we would be having a dog in our house. It's unbelievable that you keep bringing yours round to DIL's, when she has told you where her boundaries are. To be annoyed at her for not wanting to look after your dog too... Unbelievable!