AIBU to forgive a friend who shouted at me and my children?

[PretzelPretzel]

Long story short, myself and my almost teenage children were going out with a friend of mine for the day. My friend let us know when she had parked outside, and we were to leave our house and go to her car (as she wanted to go straight away and not come inside). It's typical that when we were about to leave, one child couldn't find their socks, and then the other child had to go and get changed after noticing a hole in the back of their trousers. This delayed us getting to my friends car by about 6-7 minutes after she'd parked up (honestly it was no longer, and we don't usually do this). I realise that waiting is a pain in the arse, but I assumed that an apology from me would cut it.
Anyway, when we got into the car, she was very off with me and the children. She then started ranting and droning on about how we take the piss for making her wait. I apologised, but was told that my apology was not accepted as "you know I don't like waiting for anyone".
She literally ranted on and on for around 15minutes non stop. It was making the atmosphere in the car really awkward and uncomfortable, and she was starting to get louder and louder. I apologised again and asked how much longer she was going to go on about it? This enraged her further, and I was met with full on shouting, F bombs, and her fist banging the door on her side, and the steering wheel. This carried on for another 10 or so minutes, continuous expletives and shouting. Myself and my children sat in silence/shock. I then asked her to pull over and let us out of the car, but was refused as she still wanted to go on our day out because I'd apparently already wasted enough of her time.
We spent the rest of the journey in awkward silence, until I was barked at to get out at the petrol station to buy her petrol. I'm not usually a push over, but was so in shock that I did what I was told.
We had a crap time once we arrived at the destination, as she was still raging and making snarky comments.
Once home, I ignored her for a week, until she called to apologise. Then she said it's best we stop talking altogether because her rage was always taking over and she didn't want to keep upsetting me and my children. She has form for this, but I've always stood by her as I've known her and been close to her for years, long before I'd ever seen her rage. These rages are always over trivial things that other people wouldn't bother about.
AIBU if I forgive her?
Sould I just let her go?
Friends are hard to come by, and I've not got any others currently.

Yes, let her go

She’s abusive and you’re showing your kids they should accept that kind of behaviour in relationships too. So I’d end all contact with her.

Only you know if you could forgive this but I doubt if I could and what example is it setting to your children if you do?

I'd rather no friends than be spoken to like this. To add to that, someone shouting at my kids, nope, I'd have gotten out at the garage with the kids and told her to go on by herself. I get that you were feeling awkward and shocked though. That said, value yourself more, don't let anyone treat you like that, also hammer it home to your children that no one should speak to them like she did.

Your friend has serious frustration tolerance and anger management issues. Absolutely nothing about this reaction is normal or OK. She’s obviously acknowledging this but instead of ditching a friendship over it, a normal adult would say “I know I’ve got a problem and I’m seeking help with it. I understand if you don’t want to be around me after what happened, but if you can forgive me, I promise I will work hard to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

If you want to remain friends I’d have another conversation with her, saying you value her friendship but you’re worried about her. That is must be hard to struggle with your emotions like that and has she ever thought about therapy. Because you want to be friends but you can’t exposure your kids to that kind of thing again.

Do you lean on her too much? It sounds as though she didn’t really want the day out with you all. Could you have gone without her? Maybe she feels used, taken for granted or just feels she has no choice but to help.

If the rage is just with you, I’d let her go and have the freedom she obviously wants.

I wouldn’t be apologising. It’s ok to be annoyed but that was off the chart.

Yes she sounds abusive but in addition is there anything you are missing that is relevant aboit the trip or history

No doesnt excuse being abusive but the full story may help

That must have been quite scary for your kids 😬

I'd be wondering if she's OK, honestly. It sounds like she is aware that she was way over the line and doesn't want to be like that but just loses control. Is something going on in her life that is maybe making her feel out of control and angry?

I mean your kids sound annoying with their disorganisation but it's a pretty extreme reaction to a very minor irritation. Most people would just roll their eyes and tell them to get a move on unless they literally do this every time?

Only you know what she is usually like as a friend.

Fuck that. You shouldn't have let your kids be spoken to like that. You should have unloaded everyone at the fuel stop.

No friends is better than having someone shout at you and belittle you. Watch what you are teaching your kids about being disrespected. Other friends will come your way, it just takes time to make them.

Did you let her know that you were delayed?

She is self aware enough to know she has an issue, it’s horrible feeling like that.

It sounds like you or your kids irritate her and she struggles to keep her mouth shut.

Let her sort herself out in her own way and take her at her word that she doesn’t want to speak to you right now.

Is this possibly a mental health issue? That would be the only reason I wouldn't end the friendship, although arm's length until recovery.

I think if your nearly teenage children haven't managed to get socks and shoes on by the agreed time and have holes in the trousers, then I'm afraid that's how they will be leaving the house, they can grab as needed on their way out but when getting free lift somewhere there's no excuse for secondary age children.

That said, your friend is an absolutely abusive lunatic and if it was my kids and they refused to pull over and let us out I would be threatening to call the police (not that they'd come or that I'd even call). The fact you then spent the day with her blows my mind. The banging her first and swearing, shouting etc your kids must have been terrified. As much as anything I wouldn't want someone that aggressive driving my children round nevermind the awkwardness.

Should have said at the petrol station you were getting the kids out to go to the loo and then got a taxi back.

Dont speak to her again, she’s awful

I don't think she's worth holding on to, her reaction is completely unacceptable. But whether you forgive her or not, you shouldn't have your kids near her. I wouldn't be getting in the car with her again either.

I do wonder if you're a bit of a pain as a friend, though. First it's "as is typical" to excuse your kids having last minute issues then it's "we don't usually do this" when expecting a brief apology to cut it. It sounds like you minimize the negative impact of you and your DC on others. It's hard to tell from one post on the Internet, so I'm not saying this must be how things are, but if you find friends are hard to come by, you might want to consider it.

Her reaction is completely OTT and it doesn't sound as if she has spoken about it properly to you. You can't seriously consider being friends with her after this, all in front of your children as well.

How are you getting that from the fact that she refused to let OP and the kids out of the car because she wanted to go on the day out?

Assuming OP is telling the truth, waiting 7 minutes for an adult and two children to be ready to leave the house for a day out is not outrageous and certainly doesn't warrant being verbally abused and berated.

@PretzelPretzel

AIBU if I forgive her? No
S(h)ould I just let her go? Yes

Then she said it's best we stop talking altogether because her rage was always taking over and she didn't want to keep upsetting me and my children.

It sounds as if she has a serious anger problem and worse, she knows it and apparently isn't doing anything about it. Neither you, and especially not your children, need to be subjected to such horrible behaviour. Despite the old saw about 'sticks and stones', words spoken in extreme anger can leave scars, they just aren't visible.

So, for your own peace of mind, go ahead and forgive her. Just know that forgiveness is not a 'free pass' for repeated bad behaviour and definitely doesn't mean you are 'required' to admit that person back into your life. Forgiving and letting someone go is simply a way for you to have peace, and to wish them peace, too.

I'm sad for you that you're considering being friends with someone who treated you so poorly again, OP. Do you not think you deserve better friends than this?

Any "friend" who spoke to me like that would be blocked as soon as I got home. No second chances with me. I'd tell her to stuff her apology.

I hope you're all right.

She obviously has some serious anger issues going on. I would tell her no contact until she sorts of out. I.e. Therapy! I doubt she would get in touch again. But if she did, meet on your own with her first to see if she has grown up. But only if the friendship is really important to you. Otherwise move on and find a decent friend.

Yep. There is no way I’d have continued this journey.

Forgive her. You're the one who will suffer if you don't.

But don't arrange any outings with her and your kids again. Maybe meet her for coffee when your kids are busy but don't take the kids to meet up with her again.