AIBU to forgive a friend who shouted at me and my children?

[PretzelPretzel]

Long story short, myself and my almost teenage children were going out with a friend of mine for the day. My friend let us know when she had parked outside, and we were to leave our house and go to her car (as she wanted to go straight away and not come inside). It's typical that when we were about to leave, one child couldn't find their socks, and then the other child had to go and get changed after noticing a hole in the back of their trousers. This delayed us getting to my friends car by about 6-7 minutes after she'd parked up (honestly it was no longer, and we don't usually do this). I realise that waiting is a pain in the arse, but I assumed that an apology from me would cut it.
Anyway, when we got into the car, she was very off with me and the children. She then started ranting and droning on about how we take the piss for making her wait. I apologised, but was told that my apology was not accepted as "you know I don't like waiting for anyone".
She literally ranted on and on for around 15minutes non stop. It was making the atmosphere in the car really awkward and uncomfortable, and she was starting to get louder and louder. I apologised again and asked how much longer she was going to go on about it? This enraged her further, and I was met with full on shouting, F bombs, and her fist banging the door on her side, and the steering wheel. This carried on for another 10 or so minutes, continuous expletives and shouting. Myself and my children sat in silence/shock. I then asked her to pull over and let us out of the car, but was refused as she still wanted to go on our day out because I'd apparently already wasted enough of her time.
We spent the rest of the journey in awkward silence, until I was barked at to get out at the petrol station to buy her petrol. I'm not usually a push over, but was so in shock that I did what I was told.
We had a crap time once we arrived at the destination, as she was still raging and making snarky comments.
Once home, I ignored her for a week, until she called to apologise. Then she said it's best we stop talking altogether because her rage was always taking over and she didn't want to keep upsetting me and my children. She has form for this, but I've always stood by her as I've known her and been close to her for years, long before I'd ever seen her rage. These rages are always over trivial things that other people wouldn't bother about.
AIBU if I forgive her?
Sould I just let her go?
Friends are hard to come by, and I've not got any others currently.

Absolutely let her go, no way should your kids be put through that bollocks again. Her behaviour is unacceptable regardless of the cause or how long you’ve been friends.

Forgive or not, don't see her again.

Are you sure you're 'not usually a pushover'? It was incredibly unassertive to just let her continue to put your kids through this. You do need to think about how to be more assertive when they need you to be.

You and your children were in danger being driven around by this person in that state.
I would drop her, I coudn't cope with being spoken to like that.

Loyalty counts in a friendship, and loyalty is only evident in tough times. whilst I wouldn’t be subjecting my kids to her, I would at least try and find out what is going on. Is it hormonal? Emotional crisis? MH issues, and support her to get help.

If she has always been like this and refuses to look for help you probably have no choice but to let her go.

But I would at least give it a try.

You were not about to leave. Your children didn’t have socks on. Which means no shoes. So you absolutely were NOT ready to leave and tbh that does show quite a large Lack of respect for her time giving that she was driving etc.

however. nobody. NOBODY would put my children through such a terrible experience. As a parent is my job to protect them from people like this, the people who tell them that swallowing your own nob in exchange for tolerating your presence is an acceptable way to live. You are setting your kids up to think that this is not only normal but a perfectly acceptable way to live and that after beating treated like shit, you get a crappy ruined day out as a “reward” but hey ho, alert the monster is in a better mood now. Maybe next time will be different? Maybe it will be better? *

• spoiler alert, it never gets better.

throw her in the bin and focus on making a friend that doesn’t treat you and your kids like trash. And try to be ready to go when you make plans. Better to be ten minutes early than 1 minute late.

It doesn't sound like she was driving with due care and attention. Its lucky she didn't kill someone. Terrifying.

Absolutely agree - which is why I said that right at the start.

In the words of John McEnroe - You cannot be serious?

Do not contact this person again @PretzelPretzel

Their behaviour was totally unacceptable.

Better to be ten minutes early than 1 minute late

That rule certainly doesn't work across the board.

I’d have told her to just meet us at the place vs having her drive me and my kids (before this incident, just I can’t imagine asking someone to give us all a lift) BUT no way in fuck would I let anyone speak to or treat my kids like this. No way.

Are you HER only friend/the only adult in her life that voluntarily associates with her? It seems strange that her reaction to realising she has a problem directing her rage is to stop seeing you specifically, rather than to try to research coping skills and/or get professional help. I can see that your behaviour is annoying especially if it's recurring, but she is also choosing to sit in the car and seven minutes is not that long. I'm in favour of rage when it's warranted, but she took it way too far, especially with children present. The situation inside the car while she was raging must have been terrifying and sounds like it could have been dangerous, and not allowing you to exit crosses a serious line. You can decide whether to continue seeing her yourself, if she at some point agrees to be back in contact, but please don't put your children through that again !!!!

Forgive her if you want, but FGS keep your kids away from her!

Absolutely this.

You already knew she gets into rages over little things and you went out for the day with her? Just keep it to a cup of coffeee so you can just leave if you upset her.

It sounds like she is using her terrible anger issues and an excuse to end the friendship. She's not that fussed about it continuing.

@PretzelPretzel What the hell? She sounds awful. You and your kids don't need that kind of bully in your lives. She's not a friend.

I can't get over the fact that you still went ok the trip with her after all that. You say you asked that she let you put and she said no and so you went along meekly all day? You also stopped at a petrol station on the way, you couldn't use that opportunity to get your kids and make your way home?

And after all that you still need to ask mumsnet if you should forgive and continue the friendship or not???

Well yes you should forgive but there's no point holding resentment in your heart but the friendship should be OVER, no question at all. Because friends are hard to come by isn't justification to expose yourself and more importantly your children to such abhorrent behaviour. Your children are learning a lot friendship and boundaries by watching you and your friend and how the dynamic works.

If the friend really had a go at you for almost half an hour she must surely have something awful going on in her life that's she was taking out on you - unless she is normally like that?

Having said that, it sounds like you had a fairly long journey ahead (and presumably back again later on) so she had probably planned timings etc for traffic and was getting frustrated that her plans were going down the pan because you were late. I get frustrated when people are late when we've agreed a very specific time - although obviously I don't shout at them for 25 minutes or any minutes.

In your position I'd have a chat with her to see what on earth is going on before I decided to call the friendship a day.

I would only entertain seeing her again if she had counselling to deal with her anger issues. I wouldn’t issue an ultimatum obviously but I would say I can’t see her any more and also suggest she has counselling to deal with her emotions. It sounds like something that started in childhood: maybe someone raged at her/she wasn’t taught how to express her anger safely and calmly/ or, she wasn’t given any boundaries at all and has never grown out of being an out of control toddler.

But none of those are your problems to solve: she needs professional help. It could be transformative. But you can’t make her go, you can only suggest it as a concerned friend. It must be ruining her life but you can’t expose yourself or your children to it. It’s unhealthy.

Your lack of friendships is a separate issue and you might want to consider a different thread about that.

Poor kids

So this is a first time this has ever happened thia is a total one off? So this one event caused all this drama over 6 minutes?

There is no history or anything else in addition a total random event?

You behaved appallingly by subjecting your children to that.

When you got out at the garage you should have told them to get out with you and got a taxi home.

I'd rather have no friends at all.

Why on earth you allowed her to speak to you like that only you can answer.
Is she usually abusive? it doesn’t excuse her behaviour. When someone shows you who they are Believe them. No way would I forgive her. Value yourself and show your children your worth. Bin this crazy lady.

> It's typical ... we don't usually do this
Which is it?

YABU. Why on earth did you not just go home at the petrol station? Baffling.