AIBU to forgive a friend who shouted at me and my children?

[PretzelPretzel]

Long story short, myself and my almost teenage children were going out with a friend of mine for the day. My friend let us know when she had parked outside, and we were to leave our house and go to her car (as she wanted to go straight away and not come inside). It's typical that when we were about to leave, one child couldn't find their socks, and then the other child had to go and get changed after noticing a hole in the back of their trousers. This delayed us getting to my friends car by about 6-7 minutes after she'd parked up (honestly it was no longer, and we don't usually do this). I realise that waiting is a pain in the arse, but I assumed that an apology from me would cut it.
Anyway, when we got into the car, she was very off with me and the children. She then started ranting and droning on about how we take the piss for making her wait. I apologised, but was told that my apology was not accepted as "you know I don't like waiting for anyone".
She literally ranted on and on for around 15minutes non stop. It was making the atmosphere in the car really awkward and uncomfortable, and she was starting to get louder and louder. I apologised again and asked how much longer she was going to go on about it? This enraged her further, and I was met with full on shouting, F bombs, and her fist banging the door on her side, and the steering wheel. This carried on for another 10 or so minutes, continuous expletives and shouting. Myself and my children sat in silence/shock. I then asked her to pull over and let us out of the car, but was refused as she still wanted to go on our day out because I'd apparently already wasted enough of her time.
We spent the rest of the journey in awkward silence, until I was barked at to get out at the petrol station to buy her petrol. I'm not usually a push over, but was so in shock that I did what I was told.
We had a crap time once we arrived at the destination, as she was still raging and making snarky comments.
Once home, I ignored her for a week, until she called to apologise. Then she said it's best we stop talking altogether because her rage was always taking over and she didn't want to keep upsetting me and my children. She has form for this, but I've always stood by her as I've known her and been close to her for years, long before I'd ever seen her rage. These rages are always over trivial things that other people wouldn't bother about.
AIBU if I forgive her?
Sould I just let her go?
Friends are hard to come by, and I've not got any others currently.

@PretzelPretzel if your friend is refusing to change and think there’s nothing wrong with her behaviour, then I would drop her. If you can tolerate these rages, then fine - very much up to you. I wouldn’t let my kids be subject to them, though.

This sounds like a dv relationship. She knows she has lost friends over this and youre ok putting yourself and your kids through this. Why? You'd rather deal with abuse than your own company?

You need to step back from this woman, she is dangerous. In the car - "her fist banging the door on her side, and the steering wheel" - she was not fully in control of the car, never mind herself. She could not possibly have been concentrating on the road. She could have crashed and killed you all.

I think your long association with this woman has desensitised you to just how bad she is. Frankly, you're minimising her behaviour.

So yes, you would be unreasonable to forgive her, and totally unreasonable to expose your children to her behaviour again. Do not teach your children to accept being treated like this.

Ditch her. Tell her that her rages are NEVER justified and she needs to get help, and you don't want her around you or your children ever again. Accept no apology, she won't mean it. Remember - "She doesn't see the problem", so she's never going to change.

You’ve been lucky, then!
The worst was an old friend of dh, who I swear just enjoyed keeping everybody waiting for 10 or 15 minutes while he faffed around, finding his shoes, etc. when we had a lunch at the pub booked. Funnily enough he never remembered to bring his wallet!! It was always good old dh paying yet again…
And no, there was certainly no dementia!

Let her go, she's a fucking nutcase.

🎯

Two separate issues here. Your friend does have anger issues and I wouldn’t remain friends with anyone that directed that anger towards me. They need help with that but it’s not your responsibility.

I would have been very annoyed that you made me wait though. It’s only polite (IMO so no need for anyone to tell me otherwise) to be ready when someone is picking you up. I would have been quite upset with my children if they had only started looking for socks as we were due to leave. I don’t know if it’s the case but perhaps you have kept her waiting a few times? Even 5 minutes is annoying I think. When I used to pick my teenagers up 6-7 minutes felt like a bloody age, do you stop the engine etc, it’s all just annoying lol. It can be annoying to be the person that puts themselves out to be on time and rushes, perhaps neglecting to hand your washing out because you didn’t have time etc only to then have the other person keep you waiting. In your head you’re thinking ‘I could have hung the bloody washing out!’ With regards to fuel if she is driving then I imagine you should be contributing anyway, it’s more expensive than you realise (especially if your engine is idling outside someone’s house 😂)

If you don’t know where your clean socks are and can have them to hand within 2 minutes I would suggest they need a good sort of their room.

I wouldn’t see her again. She’s volatile and unsafe. She wouldn’t let you or your children out of the car and that’s unacceptable.

Equally your children are teenagers not 4. They need to be ready ahead of time meaning socks and shoes on. Seems they’ve learnt that now though.

I cannot believe what I have read.
Unbelievable that you would expose your poor children to such a mad woman.
MN really is a parallel universe.

Reread the original post where she does admit that her children are never ready to leave and i doubt her friend would have insisted on them being ready to go unless it was a continued pattern of behaviour. Being continually late is treating others with contempt as you think it is ok to waste other people's time.

Oh I’m really torn here. Of course your friend’s actions were absolutely inexcusable; however, she is clearly REALLY struggling to manage her emotions.

I think I’d lean towards a bit of an intervention??

Wow 😲 I think you're best off without her. LTW. leave the weirdo

I'd forgive and let her go, both.

I’ve read the OP again and I still can’t see where it says that she’s continually late. Ah well.

That’s strange that you seem to have read that her children are never ready when in fact she says the opposite?

“This delayed us getting to my friends car by about 6-7 minutes after she'd parked up (honestly it was no longer, and we don't usually do this). “

She’s not your friend. Find someone who is kind to you x

Let her go. She's unhinged, and not letting you out of the car when you asked her to stop is unlawful, not to mention horrible treatment. What she did was extremely disproportionate to the irritation of having to wait.

I don't know why you weren't all ready to go though. I'd have been annoyed that nobody had checked their socks or their trousers well before the expected arrival time. I wouldn't have behaved like your ex friend though.

The OP said they don't usually keep the friend waiting.

This implies it happens sometimes.

It would be better for it to never happen, and for this delay to have been a once off.

Agree.

You are lucky that there wasn't a crash.

You surely understand that your kids should have been ready. That said, her behaviour is totally unacceptable and also quite scary. Better to have no friends than some one like her around.

You can “forgive” her by accepting that her behaviour is part of who she is, and she won’t change, but also put your own boundaries in place to never be victim of it again.

Quite frankly I’m amazed at his passive you are at not only the danger she put your kids in driving in a rage, but also the way she takes advantage of you financially.

It's not unreasonable if there's a set time that can be relied upon, but also, things go wrong and it's not unreasonable to expect people to have some patience - if it doesn't happen all the time. Which is what I was getting at with my first post about whether OP might be minimizing her family's impact on others.

Even if it does happen all the time and the friend would be reasonable to be annoyed, it doesn't make the shouting and refusing to let them out of the car at all excusable, though.

Let her go.

Does it? Does it really imply that it happens sometimes? If I said ‘I’m not usually like this’ or ‘I don’t usually do this’, I would mean ‘this is a one off’. Given that the OP hasn’t expressly stated that it happens ‘continually’, I remain of the opinion that the poster I quoted is wrong in concluding this to be the case.

Because even though she was angry with OP, she didn’t want to be made to feel the bad guy in this situation and would have if the day had been cancelled.