AIBU to forgive a friend who shouted at me and my children?

[PretzelPretzel]

Long story short, myself and my almost teenage children were going out with a friend of mine for the day. My friend let us know when she had parked outside, and we were to leave our house and go to her car (as she wanted to go straight away and not come inside). It's typical that when we were about to leave, one child couldn't find their socks, and then the other child had to go and get changed after noticing a hole in the back of their trousers. This delayed us getting to my friends car by about 6-7 minutes after she'd parked up (honestly it was no longer, and we don't usually do this). I realise that waiting is a pain in the arse, but I assumed that an apology from me would cut it.
Anyway, when we got into the car, she was very off with me and the children. She then started ranting and droning on about how we take the piss for making her wait. I apologised, but was told that my apology was not accepted as "you know I don't like waiting for anyone".
She literally ranted on and on for around 15minutes non stop. It was making the atmosphere in the car really awkward and uncomfortable, and she was starting to get louder and louder. I apologised again and asked how much longer she was going to go on about it? This enraged her further, and I was met with full on shouting, F bombs, and her fist banging the door on her side, and the steering wheel. This carried on for another 10 or so minutes, continuous expletives and shouting. Myself and my children sat in silence/shock. I then asked her to pull over and let us out of the car, but was refused as she still wanted to go on our day out because I'd apparently already wasted enough of her time.
We spent the rest of the journey in awkward silence, until I was barked at to get out at the petrol station to buy her petrol. I'm not usually a push over, but was so in shock that I did what I was told.
We had a crap time once we arrived at the destination, as she was still raging and making snarky comments.
Once home, I ignored her for a week, until she called to apologise. Then she said it's best we stop talking altogether because her rage was always taking over and she didn't want to keep upsetting me and my children. She has form for this, but I've always stood by her as I've known her and been close to her for years, long before I'd ever seen her rage. These rages are always over trivial things that other people wouldn't bother about.
AIBU if I forgive her?
Sould I just let her go?
Friends are hard to come by, and I've not got any others currently.

You do not need people like this around your kids. No friends is better than abusive friends.

It's time to let her go. Her behaviour is unacceptable and your kids shouldn't be subjected to that.

I voted the wrong way and cant change it. I don't understand why you carried on with the day after the petrol station, I would have got the kids out then and personally threatened her with the police if she didn't let you all out. She sounds unhinged, having no friends has to be better than this.

She's not worth holding on to because she's not a true friend. Her behaviour is awful and not at all normal. No friend treats another friend like that. It's appalling that she behaved like that in front of the children, just horrific. What message are you giving them by remaining friends with someone as abusive as she is? You deserve so much more in a friendship. I would absolutely let her go. Yes she may have reasons for her behaviour but that is not yout concern nor your responsibility. Don't be friends with someone as abusive as this simply so you have a "friend". Make new friends through clubs, volunteering etc etc. Good luck OP x

Abusive people always have an excuse, they blame a bad childhood or a bad experience with a friend in the past but a sob story to explain away abusive behaviour is their way to make you overlook their behaviour and feel sorry for them. Raging at you and your children, refusing to let you out of the car whilst making you pay for petrol and her ticket cannot be excused, she is using you has form for losing friends because she treats them like shit.

Ah hell no!!! Show your children that this behaviour is unacceptable & never see her again. She’s got you right where she wants you, she can treat you however she likes & you still pay for her days out!
I can understand it’s hard to lose a friend, I’ve had similar, not an abusive friend but someone I’ve had to step back a bit from after nearly 40 years of friendship because of her behaviour, but this woman is no friend to you.

This! She sounds unhinged. Block her and don’t look back.

It’s been a dysfunctional mess for ages from what you say so realise it’s over, don’t see her again and I hope you’ve had a chat with your DC about how unacceptable her behaviour has been and how you were wrong to expose them to it.

So?

Your want to forgive is slightly beside the point - she has told you she doesn’t need or want to change and that she thinks she should stay clear of you all. She’s removed herself from your life.

My dad is like your friend - worse even - and has lost every friend, acquaintance and job he’s ever had because of it and still will not change at almost 80.
Listen to what she’s telling you. This is how she wants to live her life and you forgiving her will make zero difference. She might even resent you more for it

Simple. Just don't contact this weirdo again and don't respond if she contacts you. What a terrible person.

You shouldn’t have left the kids in the car with her at the garage, she sounds fucking horrible, they must have been terrified, what if she was still raging and drove off with them to teach you a lesson?

Yes, waiting is annoying but it's not like you kept her waiting for half an hour, it was no more than 5-6 minutes.

Your friend verbally abused you, in front of your children, and was so rage ridden, that she hit her car door/sterling wheel. She demanded you full the car up with fuel at the petrol station and then continued to make snide comments throughout the day.

This person is not your friend. With someone like this in your life, you certainly don't need any enemies, do you? She's a vile human being, who has a nasty and aggressive temper.

From your post, this isn't the first time she's spoken to you like this either. Has she spoken to you so badly in front of your children before now? The fact she shouted, swore and ranted at you in front of your children, should be enough for you to walk away from the friendship. If you continue with this friendship, you are teaching your children that her behaviour is not only acceptable but normal.

I would reply back 'I agree. I don't wish to be friends with someone who thinks it's acceptable to swear, shout and rant at me and my children. It's vile behaviour that I won't be accepting any longer'. I would then block this woman.

OP - while you are digesting all these replies, let me point out something that is very important.

What your so-called friend did has a name - it is called unlawful detention and it can be a crime or a punishable action (ie you can claim damages) depending upon who did the detaining and why.

In your shoes, I could not forgive. What right does she have to effectively kidnap you?

Fuck that, cut her right off

Once home, I ignored her for a week, until she called to apologise. Then she said it's best we stop talking altogether because her rage was always taking over and she didn't want to keep upsetting me and my children.

This gave you your out, you could have agreed, ended the call and blocked her. What did you say in response? I don't actually think she means it BTW, she wants you to say everything is OK. Also, if she's alright in public and with most other people, don't you think she's treating you as her own personal Aunt Sally and cashpoint because she knows you'll let her?

Why would she have done that? The last thing that would have occurred to her would be driving off with the partial source of irritation still in the car!

Why are you subjecting your children to this ongoing thing?

Your priority MUST be to your children, not your deranged ‘friend’.

I can’t believe you didn’t leave the unhinged woman at the petrol station. You could have got a taxi back home.

It’s obvious that the children are saying they weren’t afraid to appease you.
You’re teaching them that other people can treat them like shit and as their mum, you don’t have their backs!

What sort of parent are you if you prioritise your ‘friend’ over the well-being of your own children?

Tell your kids you made a mistake as you hadn’t realised how ‘unwell’ your friend is and that you won’t be seeing her again.

I agree with everyone else. Cut her loose. You aren’t obligated to have such an angry person in your life. You mentioned that her colleagues think she’s lovely and she behaves well in public, so she’s clearly capable of reining it in. She’s using you as her whipping boy for all her anger and frustration and that’s absolutely outrageous. She recognises her problem, yet refuses to seek help. In other words, she’s admitting that she’s prepared to keep doing this to you and to your poor children. How utterly disrespectful and selfish can she be?

What?! She's insane, horrible and not a friend. Do you want someone volatile and frightening in your children's lives?

Exactly, so? It's no excuse whatsoever if she has 'PDA'.

This friendship dynamic sounds wholly unhealthy. You pay for petrol AND her ticket to whatever you’re doing? So she is quids in constantly. You put up with her speaking to you like trash in front of your children. She then suggests you stop being friends which to be shows she knows she has the upper hand and you won’t do this-that you need her more than she needs you.

Imagine if this was one of your children who had a friend they always paid for and abused them regularly… what advice would you give them?

She is not your friend and this is not a friendship on equal footing. If you are clinging to her for fear of having few friends, it sounds like she realises this. Can you join a social club or start a hobby that might open some doors.

Do not teach your children that someone can talk to you like this, not really apologise and get away with it

I appreciate you were in shock initially but you subjected your children to 30 minutes of screaming, shouting, then how long is awkward silence then seceral hours of her shouting and ranting and then at least an hour of it home. You can't keep them safe around her so yes, at the very least you need to never see her alongside your children.

you sound like you're in an abusive relationship, they're trying to break up with you and you're saying no no, it's fine, it's ok if you abuse me and my kids, please stay

She’s not a Friend! Why would you want someone like that in your/children’s life. Show your children that you do not allow people to treat you like that. Delete, block and ignore her. If anyone asks why, tell them the truth about her.