AIBU to feel used in a friends with benefits arrangement?

[AdeptLilacHare]

I just wanted someone to shed some light on FWB situations. So, I’ve met this guy 3 times now just for sex, nothing more. But literally we just meet for sex, there’s texting up until and around the actual meet mainly just trying to find when we’re both free, who’s hosting etc. then we meet for sex then nothing. No text after, no casual conversation in between nothing at all. Then in about 2/3 weeks I’ll get a “when are you next free” text
I have to clarify I’ve never done this before I’ve always had relationships which is obviously completely different and I aware that I shouldn’t expect much more than casual sex which is fine. But, literally just sex and no actual chatting or hanging out in between is making me feel a little used. I’m unsure how to feel do I just accept this for what it is, what’s everyone’s experiences on similar situations? Am I just expecting too much for something that’s supposed to be casual?

the lack of communication after every shag is making me feel a
bit rubbish

It sounds grim, you're just a body to him (and vice versa). I guess it works for many people but you don't sound happy.

They are both using each other

So end it yourself now. Or start to ask him for more communication, then he backs off and ends it himself. Those are your options here.

Agree with you and others that it does seem very cold. If this arrangement was agreed in advance because say, you both had a thing for just sex without connection…in the way people maybe go to sex clubs and hook up with no conversation… then you do you, otherwise it just feels disrespectful. Sounds as though this arrangement doesn’t work for you and this guy needs to look into the etiquette of ENM

It’s not workin! I would just block him and never tell him - you don’t owe him anything

He is using you for sexual pleasure. You want something different. To be treated as more than a hole. I get it, who would want to be treated like this. Dump him.

I get that. It wouldn't be for me either but some people like that arrangement.

You are going to feel worse so end it.

And maybe next time you should communicate from the get-go what type of relationship you want.

That's your cue to end it. Besides, this doesn't sound like a FWB. People describe casual shagging as FWB when they are not actually friends.

Get out. This isn't for you.

are you not using each other? For sex?

I don't think he's been using you. He seems to have been very clear about what he wants from you, and you've gone along with it. He's a fuck buddy, not a FWB.

I've been in both arrangements in the past, and they are different dynamics. With the FB, it was literally turning up, doing the deed, and leaving. With the FWB, we would sometimes have dinner together, go out for drinks, watch a film etc.

The sex is more casual than you were hoping for, and there's nothing wrong with that. You can end it and find a proper FWB now that you know you need a bit more.

Well, no more than he is, surely?

I think saying I’d like a little communication from someone I’m having casual sex with isn’t asking the world.
I do not want to be on the phone for hours to this man or daily texts, I don’t want any romantic getaways, dinners etc.
I would just like a nice text after we’ve had sex to maybe show some respect or manners. It would just make me feel a little better and less seen as “just a hole”

I’m just being nosy so feel free to ignore my question but does he want to change anything about your setup after telling you he loves you?

I had this situation with a couple of guys in my early twenties (not at the same time!) One guy in particular started off absolutely lovely and then got to the cold stage, then he started behaving like a massive dick, being downright horrible after we'd slept together for no apparent reason.

Looking back it makes me feel a bit sad I didn't have a bit more self respect and I REALLY wish I'd ended it sooner.

If it doesn't make you feel good about yourself then imo you really should end it.

Seems its not a friends with benefits situation.
It's just a benefits situation.
It's not a friendship .
You have to decide if thats a deal breaker or you wish to continue.
From how you describe it its not working for you.

End this.

and then I think pause and therapy if you can afford.

Because your standards are depressingly low

You need more connection than him clearly you are mismatching for this reason. I guess the key is to state what you want from day 1. I.e the odd date, takeaway, phone calls and check ins. Fwb are friends and there should be respect for each other. Point this out and see if he can offer a bit more. If not find someone who can. Sex with little connection can be a bit shit I think. If this is bothering you I think you’ll enjoy the situation you are in less.

This is what back in the day we could call a f*ckbuddy, different to a FWB!

Agree, it's FB not FWB but either way, the terms for something like this should be discussed and agreed upon before beginning as it is a specific arrangement, not a relationship that develops naturally (in fact, it's the opposite of that - a relationship that is artificially restrained from developing).

I don't see how it could be "paid prostitution", though - you're "exchanging" sex for sex. If what you're getting isn't what you actually want, see if your, er, "buddy" is flexible and if not, look for a different kind of set-up and be specific up front. Sex plus some other social activities/hanging out isn't that unusual.

That’s an awful thing to say. I’ve had lots of these and I wasn’t a prostitute, I wanted sex!

Exactly! Sex for sex.

This