AIBU to feel used in a friends with benefits arrangement?

[AdeptLilacHare]

I just wanted someone to shed some light on FWB situations. So, I’ve met this guy 3 times now just for sex, nothing more. But literally we just meet for sex, there’s texting up until and around the actual meet mainly just trying to find when we’re both free, who’s hosting etc. then we meet for sex then nothing. No text after, no casual conversation in between nothing at all. Then in about 2/3 weeks I’ll get a “when are you next free” text
I have to clarify I’ve never done this before I’ve always had relationships which is obviously completely different and I aware that I shouldn’t expect much more than casual sex which is fine. But, literally just sex and no actual chatting or hanging out in between is making me feel a little used. I’m unsure how to feel do I just accept this for what it is, what’s everyone’s experiences on similar situations? Am I just expecting too much for something that’s supposed to be casual?

Or maybe a FWB with a chap who’s less cold. If he is so emotionless my thoughts are he’s in a relationship with someone else and you’re the sex .

It’s just not a nice feeling having (even if it is casual) sex with someone then not even a text after

But yeah, I’m unhappy I should just end it and seek something more traditional

So you’ve labeled it FWB, he was clear, casual sex.

So what is happening is what he said, you just don’t like it. And that’s fine it doesn’t work for you, but he isn’t using you.

Aren’t you using him too OP?

He was clear with you on the app that he just wants casual sex, you agreed.

If you now feel like you would prefer more or you feel used, then just stop.

He is not "using you" per se, but this is what you both agreed to.

That's not friends with benefits. The clue is in the name, friends.

This is just sex and even with just sex you would expect a bit of chat.

To me FWB is pretty much a relationship except no commitment, you can sleep with other people and there's no expectations in how often you see each other or anything else. But you should be having fun. You should be enjoying each other's company, just without the complications.

I guess I just wasn’t sure how to label it.

tbh, he was very chatty in the beginning we spoke on the phone for ages loads of texting daily then since the sex has started it’s turned very cold
We agreed we didn’t want a relationship but casual sex was fine… perhaps I shouldn’t have labelled it as fwb

I think probably best to end it really. FWB can work out sometimes ,however it can also cause problems .and you can end up feeling used . Most people would not be happy with this sort of situation

In no way is this a FWB situation. He's not your friend. He's not interested in even speaking to you unless you're going to have sex with him. I'm really sorry but he is treating you like a prostitute he doesn't have to pay - just messaging "are you free?" and then rocking up to shag you and fucking off again.

Please don't even think of having a relationship with this man. He doesn't want that but in any case would you really want a relationship with someone as cold as that? I'd put money on him being in a relationship anyway and calling round to your house whenever he feels like it.

I'm sorry, you deserve so much more than him.

I'll also add OP, that if you're not down for just casual sex that's literally fine. You are allowed to try things to see if they work or not. You are allowed to change your mind and you are definitely allowed to make mistakes.

The important thing now is that you take this information and act accordingly. If it's not for you then look after yourself by ending the arrangement, and probably don't go for casual sex with anyone else as it might not work for you.

You don't know what your favourite cake is unless you try a few. You gave it a go, it'll be a funny story over brunch with the girls. Now go find yourself something meaningful that works for you.

Sure, but as I’ve said this seems very cold I just expected a bit of communication in between and now I’m not feeling great about myself it’s my fault for expecting more I guess

Yes, exactly thank you

Sorry OP. Agree this is not FWB but giving away free sex. Not surprised you feel used. You’re worth more so if it isn’t working for you bin 🗑️ him. Add in the sex wasn’t as good as you hoped 😉

Just a reminder OP, you are living in the real world not some romantic fiction where the heroine and hero have huge misunderstandings for the first few chapters then gradually realise they have been brought together by a benevolent universe…….

Your friend must think he has won the sex lottery, no need for conversation, getting to know each other, being sympathetic if you’ve had a bad day, just wham bam and away , until the next time.

Pick yourself up and write yourself a post it note to put on your mirror to read everyday.

I am worth love.

Don't let anyone shame you for giving it a go.

You feel used because you have been used.

These sorts of arrangements only work if mutually fulfilling.

I hope you find someone special soon.

If you're feeling used then don't do it

If you're blind, just see

If you have a heart attack, just defend it.

I understand, and your feelings are completely valid therefore this arrangement is not for you at all.

I would call it all off - don't ask him for more etc. - look for what you want with someone else, who is like minded.

I couldn't do what you are doing without feeling used, I would have to be in a committed relationship to sleep with someone, however, I am advising you objectively x

It sounds like at the beginning it seemed like he was interested in you and your life even if just in a casual way and in sex but it's now clear he's just interested in sex. It's fine to end it as that's too transactional for you.

It’s cold, plus he has terrible manners. Not someone to spend any time on much less your intimacy.

If you have an itch, scratch it.
You don't need someone else to scratch it for you.

It genuinely doesn’t sound nice but I would imagine there lots of nicer men who would appreciate the sex and at least make you a brew but still don’t want a full relationship.

Personally I like to share few nice snacks after a session but that’s just me 😋