AIBU to feel used in a friends with benefits arrangement?

[AdeptLilacHare]

I just wanted someone to shed some light on FWB situations. So, I’ve met this guy 3 times now just for sex, nothing more. But literally we just meet for sex, there’s texting up until and around the actual meet mainly just trying to find when we’re both free, who’s hosting etc. then we meet for sex then nothing. No text after, no casual conversation in between nothing at all. Then in about 2/3 weeks I’ll get a “when are you next free” text
I have to clarify I’ve never done this before I’ve always had relationships which is obviously completely different and I aware that I shouldn’t expect much more than casual sex which is fine. But, literally just sex and no actual chatting or hanging out in between is making me feel a little used. I’m unsure how to feel do I just accept this for what it is, what’s everyone’s experiences on similar situations? Am I just expecting too much for something that’s supposed to be casual?

It’s a fuck buddy booty call situation - you both want casual no strings sex, there’s not much else in those relationships

He sounds particularly cold and clinical. Odd that his behaviour became less friendly once you started having sex. Presumably he’s investing energy in hooking new women in as he’ll need a constant rotating supply with this strategy. Perhaps he has an underlying hatred of women who agree to sex with him - he chases it, but then despises you for it - more common than you’d think.

I think the point is that in this specific instance the OP is feeling a bit like a free prostitute. She says it makes her feel 'rubbish' which I read as making her feel cheap. I think I'd want to at least have a bit of a laugh with the person.

I've done FWBs before and we had a great time, lots of laughs, drinks, silly nights out etc. It was fab. We absolutely loved and respected each other, but as friends. So when we had sex there was a real connection and an understanding that neither of us wanted anything more with one another. He eventually met a woman he did want, and I was a little sad for a couple of days as I would miss him, but it wasn't sadness because I could now not have him, I didn't want him in a relationship. I respected that he wanted things I couldn't give him and I wasn't the type of woman he wanted for that either. Our FWBs situation was perfect while it lasted, and that's what it is meant to be like IMO.

I've also had relationships (as in official boyfriend/girlfriend ones) that sound more like what you've got her OP. So I don't think the label necessarily means much. The bottom line is you're unhappy and feeling used, so it needs to stop and it needs to stop now.

A FWB is meeting as friends, lunch, cinema, walk, dinner, drinks in the pub, takeaway with the added bonus of sex.

The fact that you aren’t agreeing with people and just saying, yes you’re right I’ll end it it’s not for me. And insisting that he should message you a little thanks for last night, etc, is very telling that you are already emotionally invested in this situation, you want more and expect more from it.

Yes but her own doing, only herself to look at for being in this situation

Depressingly low how? Because I’ve agreed to have casual sex with someone rather than a relationship?

Yes Op that’s why 🙄

You’re right OP, this is just sex with sex, not friends with benefits.

Just because it was supposed to be FWB doesn’t mean you need to accept it; it should work for you too.

I would end the arrangement as you feel used.

Definition of casual sex!

So if I don’t want a relationship to commit to I shouldn’t have sex at all?
we all have needs 😅

So, this app. What was it offering? Casual sex, friendship with sex, what? I think that will tell you what he's expecting.

I think the implication to suggest anyone who chooses to have casual sex and doesn’t want to commit to a relationship for whatever reason needs therapy is a very bold statement and one which I completely disagree with

I'm surprised by how many posters are NOT getting that this was a joint arrangement.

It was a dating app

Op you have completely misinterpreted why i think you might need therapy

Alright please elaborate…

I think you should tell him this isn't really working for you. Maybe he would like a bit more communication between you too or maybe this is exactly what he wants. This doesn't mean FWB will never suit you but you want more interaction than this arrangement.

@AdeptLilacHare
Yes you're being totally used
And you sound very unsure of where you stand/expect from the whole thing
So end it

@AdeptLilacHare ,

I guess the reason people are suggesting therapy is that you don’t seem happy or to know what you want.

From what I can read of your posts, you want a traditional FWB situation, where you go out for the odd meal or cinema and have great sex, and message a little in between, but nothing too heavy. Is that right?

Or do you just want a more polite fuck buddy?

Either way, if you are feeling used, it won’t get better, so unless this guy has anything irreplaceable in the bedroom department, he needs replacing!

He is using you and you want more.

Well then I guess you went into this with one idea of what no-strings attached sex looked like and he went into it thinking you were going to be there to scratch an itch every couple of weeks.

What you now need to do is say it’s not working for you anymore and go find a boyfriend.

I think it’s one of those arrangements where you have to be very clear before you begin, exactly what it is you each understand it to be, and what you each expect. For some the friendship aspect is important, and well established before they start having sex. For others it’s synonymous with hookup.

You don’t have an established friendship with this guy, you’ve got an arrangement to hook up now and then. If you expect more you need to tell him, because how is he supposed to know otherwise?

Going back to my single days, it wouldn’t have occurred to me to act any differently than he has. If I’d started having sex with an existing male friend that I already texted, went to see movies and had dinner with, then continuing to do so after sex was introduced wouldn’t feel like dating because the friendship dynamic was already established. With someone I’d just met and started having sex with? All of those things would feel like dating.

I don’t think the arrangement works for you, but that doesn’t mean that he’s using you.