AIBU to feel used in a friends with benefits arrangement?

[AdeptLilacHare]

I just wanted someone to shed some light on FWB situations. So, I’ve met this guy 3 times now just for sex, nothing more. But literally we just meet for sex, there’s texting up until and around the actual meet mainly just trying to find when we’re both free, who’s hosting etc. then we meet for sex then nothing. No text after, no casual conversation in between nothing at all. Then in about 2/3 weeks I’ll get a “when are you next free” text
I have to clarify I’ve never done this before I’ve always had relationships which is obviously completely different and I aware that I shouldn’t expect much more than casual sex which is fine. But, literally just sex and no actual chatting or hanging out in between is making me feel a little used. I’m unsure how to feel do I just accept this for what it is, what’s everyone’s experiences on similar situations? Am I just expecting too much for something that’s supposed to be casual?

Can't take it further. Exhausted every possible avenue with complaints to police and yes. All documented. I had two phones full of thousands of hateful tweets

Yes it is. But police don't often know how to deal with online stalking. They call it a Twitter argument and tell you to go away. His wife harassed me too. And she corroborated his lies. I met some excellent officers that year who did try and help but it was after that group had done their worst and colluded to get me charged

I’m absolutely not saying you’re wrong. I’m saying you have to be very specific in the beginning about your wants and needs. When he starts going off the rails and isn’t giving you what you asked for, remind him of your original arrangement and give him a chance to course correct. My hookup knows if he tries to leave my house before I’ve had an orgasm, he will never step foot in my home again. He knows this because he attempted to do this in the beginning and I made my irritation well known. He then course corrected, bc he knows there are a lot of other men willing to have no strings attached sex. Find another “fuck boy” that suits your needs! Sometimes when they are young and immature they need to be taught how to treat a woman. Even when it’s just casual sex, you have a right to be treated with respect.

She's not wrong but she hardly knew the guy and if she was looking for a connection she was not going to build it with a drink in the pub and then going to bed with him.

He's 32. Not 12. I don't think this can just be down to immaturity. There are plenty of people who have good sex in their teens and early 20s. He wanted a fuck and she wanted a FWB

Who was the man who organised it…. A boyfriend? Someone you met on an app?

Does he actually say “ @BlueFahrenheit I am really not up for sex now” and you say “I don’t care, come here!”?

This is why a lot of women should go nowhere near fb/fwb-they expect 'connection', (what the f*ck does this even mean?!) and other airy-fairy stuff like that and relationship stuff when all the man is thinking about is getting his leg over.

This is also incidentally why men should go nowhere fb/fwb arrangements.
There is a bloody good reason for the expression 'love 'em and leave,' em fast.'

It is not good news for a man to have a woman attached to him when he is not.
Which I'm not going to outline here in case I get accused of the dreaded 'misogyny' slur.

Yeah yeah it might work for sophisticated and/ or older people I get that. Not for most.

Who decided all this? The FWB Regulatory Commission? Surely it's down to individuals.

I also think you are being widely sweeping about women wanted connection and men wanting self-maintaining sex toys. I know it was fictional but think of Howard and Sabine on Fresh Meat. Howard was desperate for love but the uber-liberated Sabine just saw him as a reserve fuck buddy when her main plaything was otherwise engaged.

Generally speaking this is how it is.

Of course there's exceptions. I'm not denying it.

If you're going to come back with the 'people are individuals' line please don't bother.

I've heard it all before and while of course men and women have things in common they undeniably have differences which usually, not always, become apparent in the fullness of time.

It's like people saying women can be violent criminals too on threads about male inflicted violence . Yes, yes they can be but they are usually not and they end up derailing a thread about male violence.

He wasn't a boyfriend. He wasn't someone on a dating site. It was a group of people on twitter who have targeted a lot of single women. I haven't met any of these people. We did not cross paths in real life. People don't need to know you to become fixated with ruining your life.

Well I will bother if that's OK with you thanks.

You carry on thinking in your boxes if that helps you think.

How did he know you were single? This is horrible

Because people I spoke to on Twitter knew I was.

And then they told this band of weirdos? Did you report to the police?

That's not quite how it happened but yes people knew I was single. Yes. I went to police six times and I was sent away six times

Yes, sometimes, or he will give me a cheeky glance. I'll head to bed a little earlier than usual, and he will know exactly what I will be doing.

I usually get what I want 💃

Honest, open discussions are necessary; however, finding someone transparent like this is the challenge.

Yes, it's a major issue. Using social media to defame and destroy lives is common.

But... if it's a 'hate crime' against particular groups of people, it's a completely different story.

Yes it does.
Male violence is not just shrugged off with 'Oh well let's forget it. Women can be cunts too. We're all individuals.'

And rightly so.

So why is it wrong to suggest that it is mainly women who get the shitty end of the stick when it comes to fb/fwb arrangements?

Sex with the same man over and over releases hormones that can bond a woman to a man, for a man it's more about sexual release.

If you want to continue thinking that there's no biological differences between the sexes, that's obviously up to you.

I could not disagree with you more.

Imagine if the tables were turned! A woman says to her husband that she is not up for sex and he then sleazily cajoles her. Gross!

So it wasn’t just the band of weirdos… it was people you knew on twitter in on it too?

I've seen people jailed for less than I and others went through -because they targeted an MP. The tweet was traced that day and they were correctly arrested and charged. I had people making threats on Twitter accounts with their own names and photos on them and police said they could do nothing

They just told me to block them. I did. But they just made more and more accounts to target me with.

They stole my media. My photos and personal information were put on doxxing blogs so that other people could harass me. They even stole a photo of one of my cats and used his face to make a pathetic twitter account to spread lies about me

The main ringleader is married. Has a good job but can't cope with women standing up to him. If you challenge him on twitter he calls you a stalker then he calls you a racist (his wife is Mexican) and then he tweets you abuse and copies your twitter handle in so his flying monkeys will harass you

His wife just joins in. He wrote a poem about me called "pishy drawers is coming to town " the day after he was badgering police in his home area to check with the fiscal to see if they would allow police to charge me

Ten weeks later I got tena lady pants sent to my home. That was them letting me know that they did have my address.

I have tried to explain that the main ringleader had 11k followers on twitter and he dragged around 200 other people into this but there were a core of around ten people who were stalking intimidating me and threatening me. There were two other women being harassed by this gang at the same time and one man who tried to stop them had his address circulated -and he had to go to police as well.

Good on you for getting back out there on the dating scene post this trauma

Well not really if you count one pint with someone who said he didn't fancy me 🤣. Trying to put my life back together has taken priority really