AIBU to feel used in a friends with benefits arrangement?

[AdeptLilacHare]

I just wanted someone to shed some light on FWB situations. So, I’ve met this guy 3 times now just for sex, nothing more. But literally we just meet for sex, there’s texting up until and around the actual meet mainly just trying to find when we’re both free, who’s hosting etc. then we meet for sex then nothing. No text after, no casual conversation in between nothing at all. Then in about 2/3 weeks I’ll get a “when are you next free” text
I have to clarify I’ve never done this before I’ve always had relationships which is obviously completely different and I aware that I shouldn’t expect much more than casual sex which is fine. But, literally just sex and no actual chatting or hanging out in between is making me feel a little used. I’m unsure how to feel do I just accept this for what it is, what’s everyone’s experiences on similar situations? Am I just expecting too much for something that’s supposed to be casual?

Yes, I was silly. Very, very naive to believe this man

My mom says "Assume men are lying till proven otherwise" 😂

He's getting no strings sex out of your arrangement. But then so are you, so you're using him for sex too. If you're not happy with that then put a stop to it. You're both equally responsible for what's going on currently.

It is possible to have a fwb arrangement that has more emotional involvement, but then what you really have is a relationship without commitment -perfect for avoidants.

Well he didn't see it that way, did he?
He doesn't owe you anything other than to ensure the sex was consensual and try to give you a good time.
Which he did.

Letting his penis inside you, hmm.
That kind if suggests that you expected to use this as some kind of transaction that you got paid for with sweet words.

Certainly exposes the myth that this was just sex.

This guy owes you nothing. Nothing.

If I were him, I'd be pissed off that you thought I owed you this or that because we'd shagged a few times.

I'd be livid in fact. Like WTF? I owe you nothing.
Id have done all I could to make sure things were consensual, you had a good time and now you're whingeing about me.

I went for a drink with someone a couple of years ago who was out of a long term relationship that ended pretty badly. Thats all it was. A drink. No pressure. When he got home he messaged me to say he didn't fancy me which was fine as I didn't fancy him either but then he starts telling me that he was still in love with his first gf and that they had been having an emotional affair plus snogging behind her husbands back. His cousin was still in touch with the girl so they went to gigs as a group with him.

On his profile it was all. I want a long term relationship -could you be the one, when he was clearly hung up on someone else. He sent me photos of them together with him sitting looking at her with sad puppy dog eyes.

Sometimes peoples profiles don't match who they are and what they want.

Still that's better than being on a dating site and getting three page long cut and paste efforts from the same person every three months.

You poor thing… you have had some abysmal experiences with grotty men

Men's profile are merely thirst traps on most occasions.

That was just a drink. It was seriously no big deal. I just thought it was a bit weird that his dating profile was top to toe with could you be the one when he's actually still very hung up on his first love

Actually we kept in touch for a wee bit but not that long after and he met someone who catfished him and then met someone else who he turned down because she had a dog 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I’d have blocked the nano second I received that message hours after meeting him for the first time telling me he didn’t fancy me! Done dusted his loss!

I think he maybe thought I was going to be crushed by it. He was right. There was zero spark. Just the delivery was a bit funny (I did see the funny side ).

Sounds like a very stripped back fwb situation and great if it works. But clearly you are looking for a bit more which is understandable and reasonable.

My experience is that few women rarely just want a pure regular hookup situation devoid of the friendship side.

What on earth?? Him putting his penis in side me is another way of saying sex, what on earth on you on about.
it doesn’t mean a transaction for sweet words.

I literally said I didn’t want sweet words, just respect and manners. I have said that so many times.
I wanted to talk to the guy not silence whilst putting our clothes on and leave.

he can be pissed off that he was told me he wanted a connection and to get to know me and then not actually have any conversation with me afterwards, because that’s absolutely what happened

I've never really understood that myself. Isn't it as unsatisfying as a sex toy?

Didn’t he say he wanted a connection before he met you though, it wasn’t he said I want casual sex and a connection too?

The whole thread is different perspectives on what people want and enjoy.

personally no, I don’t want to just use someone for orgasms I could just use a sex toy

but each to their own, it’s just I’m completely out of order I’m some people’s minds for not wanting absolute silence after sex and wanting a bit of a laugh, a bit of chatting, an offer of a drink etc

Yes he said he wanted a connection before he met me but didn’t want a relationship. He said he wanted fwb on his profile to be specific.

I think it's different for different people. I personally like a connection. The best fwb arrangement I ever had was with an actual friend. We went from friendship to flirting to shagging over a period of about 6 months so it was never rushed. We used to watch opera, go to the theatre, go to the cinema on top of sexual activity. I personally couldn't imagine just having the sex act then getting dressed and going. I also find sex toys deeply unsatisfying no matter how orgasmic they are.

And you get it’s ok to change his mind on meeting, not every date will be. Connection, he clearly didn’t feel that, so it was just sex. That’s not something wrong with you, he just didnt see a connection

Depends on the sex toy ... Lelo toys are wonderful.

I totally agree with you.

Mind boggling you keep in contact with him

I've had some very good sex toys with earth shattering orgasms but I always feel empty after a couple of days after all the sex drugs have worn off.

@BlueFahrenheit I hope your husband has a very high sex drive?!

That’s absolutely fine, no one should force a connection.
if he felt no connection with me though and just wanted sex with nothing more I feel he should have communicated that to me.
explaining to someone that you would like to meet them before having sex with them as you feel you need a connection with anyone you have sex with then not feeling a connection but having sex with them anyway and not exchanging anything in the way of any sort of communication is a bit off to me.

You have at this point spent more time mumsnetting about him than actually having had sex with him!