AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's children more?

[GiveItOneMoreDay]

I have 3 children who are 19, 16 and 14. I take the youngest and middle child to school and pick them up each day which is a 45 minutes drive each way, as well as work full time Monday to Friday, finishing late to make up for the time I spend on the school run. My husband also works full time Monday to Friday. Weekdays are very busy for all of us but things are easier now the kids are older. Some weekends we drop the kids to places as there isn’t much public transport here but we have time for our hobbies and going out.

My sister has 3 children aged 20, (at university), 6 and 3. She gave up her job when she had her last child but now wants to return to her career which will require weekend work. The younger two will go to a childminder (oldest will go before and after school) on weekdays but she has asked me to have the children at weekends. I’ve said I will have them for either a Saturday or Sunday every other week or for a whole weekend once a month but I can’t have them every weekend. She is saying she won’t be able to go back to work if I don’t have them as she doesn’t have anyone else. I’ve suggested she looks for a different job or her partner changes his job or hours but she says that’s not possible.

By Friday I really need the weekend to relax. I’m in perimenopause and having lots of symptoms and don’t want to have to work all week and then have young children to look after every weekend. My husband and children don’t want them here every weekend either so we have offered what we can.

Am I being unreasonable to just need weekends to relax and do things for ourselves. Are there any childcare options for couples like my sister and partner who both work weekends?

2 parents on the scene and she is being a really cf. You’d be mad to agree to any days at all. You work Mon-Fri and are taking your own dc to various activities at the weekend, so you’d be seriously limited as to how many dc can fit in the car. What if you want to go away over a weekend? Will she go mad?!

Completely agree!

A household can’t often support two weekend-workers. That’s life and it’s their problem to look at different jobs, not yours to solve free, so they can earn more money!

What a cheeky mare she is!!!

If she and the children's father work both weekend days every week, don't they each have some time off on weekdays? Perhaps they can spend that time with the children and save the paid childminding for the weekends until one or both can make a job or career change. Or if they have a spare room, how about an au pair? Really up to them to explore available options and figure out what works, though, and unfair to act as if it's your fault they can't see any.

Why on earth has she had all these children? She must have known this before she had them. I would have NEVER imposed my children on anyone when they were this young. Mine are older now too and the thought of looking after kids again would tip me over the edge! I'm just a taxi now for my two teens. But inbetweeners I relish the peace and the silence. No way would I have small kids running round. Especially when they aren't your own aswell.

Yes me too.

I like to stick a "Nope" behind my " because I don't want to.

I like it and people around me are having to get used to it here.

If they both work weekends, then they must have days off during the week, meaning childcare isn't needed on those days. So they should find a childminder who does weekends and minimise costs as much as possible on week days. You could offer some occasional emergency cover but not commit to every weekend - you need your weekends to recover from your week!

Good grief. So she expects you to work full time, care for your own children and then care for hers at the weekends? Does she think you're an automaton that never needs a rest or change of scene?

Bugger that for a game of soldiers. if it was for a month or two maybe, but this could go on for years. Her career and childcare issues are not yours to solve.

You’re being very generous. I wouldn’t have offered anything at all. If her own husband can’t even be bothered to look after his children at the weekend, why on earth should you? I don’t care what his job is. It’s always women who are tripping over themselves trying to organise childcare while men just swan off to their very important jobs. It’s like feminism never happened.

If she and her husband want to work weekends, they will have days off during the week, but the want you to give up your days at the weekend to look after their kids! Crazy. Glad you have said no!

I think you need to say No. Full stop. The end.
The old Mumsnet favourite "No is a complete sentence" is the only answer here.

Because it is a slippery slope and you know that you will end up doing more and more.

It is not for you to solve this for your sister and it is ok to need time for yourself and your family on the weekend.

I’ve suggested she looks for a different job or her partner changes his job or hours but she says that’s not possible.

Then she can’t do that job. It’s still not your problem.

You have already been more than generous with your offer of help, and more generous than I would have been! It’s up to your sister and her H to find a solution that works, and that does not include trying to guilt-trip you in the process.

I think more people need to start saying this to people looking for free childcare. It's a pisstake.

Exactly!

You can say no, there are plenty of nannies and babysitters looking for work.

Can't she get a teenager in to mind them.
I did that on a Saturday for a lady that worked weekends.
Of course you want your own family time at weekends, as anybody would.

It's too big of an ask, except for someone who needs the money

You're a much better person than me, I wouldn't agree to any of it (granted...I have major health issues too) but definitely need the weekends to relax. Your sister needs to figure it out herself or not take the job and find one that works around her childcare.

So getting work other that during the week " is not possible"?

Much easier to have a skivvy sister give her free childcare than pay for it and be held to times.

Only a completely selfish pisstaker would ask for this.

I didnt say it isnt a commitment. Could be another good option to explore - mutually beneficial.

Obvious no to the sister. But why are you running a 14 & 16 year old to school? Get that time back too.

100% not a card. I absolutely do not have the energy or capacity to fill my weekends with childcare now. Ignore the mysogonist women who are breezing through it. The best part is the capacity to say NO!

Agreed it is offensive to women everywhere! I have awful perimenopausal symptoms. I have to go to bed by 10pm to rest otherwise I’ll be ill the next day. It’s shocking how debilitating this can be for a woman.

Agreed.

Yes, like her 16 year old niece! You have to put your hands in your pockets when you have kids