AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's children more?

[GiveItOneMoreDay]

I have 3 children who are 19, 16 and 14. I take the youngest and middle child to school and pick them up each day which is a 45 minutes drive each way, as well as work full time Monday to Friday, finishing late to make up for the time I spend on the school run. My husband also works full time Monday to Friday. Weekdays are very busy for all of us but things are easier now the kids are older. Some weekends we drop the kids to places as there isn’t much public transport here but we have time for our hobbies and going out.

My sister has 3 children aged 20, (at university), 6 and 3. She gave up her job when she had her last child but now wants to return to her career which will require weekend work. The younger two will go to a childminder (oldest will go before and after school) on weekdays but she has asked me to have the children at weekends. I’ve said I will have them for either a Saturday or Sunday every other week or for a whole weekend once a month but I can’t have them every weekend. She is saying she won’t be able to go back to work if I don’t have them as she doesn’t have anyone else. I’ve suggested she looks for a different job or her partner changes his job or hours but she says that’s not possible.

By Friday I really need the weekend to relax. I’m in perimenopause and having lots of symptoms and don’t want to have to work all week and then have young children to look after every weekend. My husband and children don’t want them here every weekend either so we have offered what we can.

Am I being unreasonable to just need weekends to relax and do things for ourselves. Are there any childcare options for couples like my sister and partner who both work weekends?

Hear, hear! When I went through the menopause, which wasn't that long ago, perimenopause wasn't even a thing - or at least not a known thing - and I strongly suspect we were the better for it. We weren't looking for hormone-related reasons for perfectly normal feelings and symptoms.

its ok to say NO.
you shouldn’t be having them at all. You need your weekends and family time.
Don’t let yourself be manipulated.

You were being offensive to the many women who have symptoms caused by perimenopause. I’ll ignore you and anyone else from now on who tries to minimise women going through it.

I totally agree- men see no need (though they would never be asked to childcare for their sibling's kids) to come out with a list of personal reasons/health issues as to why they can't help.

' Hey John, can you look after little Bob every Saturday so I can go and earn money?'
'You having a laugh mate?' would probably be the answer.

Us women so often feel we have to either downplay ourselves or overshare our personal situations when asked to help.

If it is lifestyle why does HRT help many women with their symptoms?

Neither you nor the poster you're agreeing with are the default female body, so your experiences of perimenopause are irrelevant here.

Please don’t let the thread be derailed by people who deny perimenopause symptoms impact women.

I didn't read it like that at all - I think DailyPlanner was actually trying to support you by saying you dont have to say your personal reasons to say No to your sister.

It’s relevant if the OP think it is, and especially if she’s feeling guilty or coming under pressure and needs to be able to remind herself and other people that this arrangement is not possible. I honestly don’t get why you would object to her taking into account and mentioning a fact about herself that she considers important.

When someone mentions the perimenopause card, it’s never meant well, like the racism card etc. Also referring to the everlasting list of symptoms, it’s all very dismissive of what women deal with.

They're either idiots or elderly women who have their own age-related issues (their failing memories mean they don't remember what they went through - my elderly mum is exactly like this and tells me and my sister she doesn't know why everything has to be related to perimenopause, not realising that we do actually remember when she was going through it!)

Totally agree with you, OP. Suspect some posters are just in pissy moods due to the peri/menopause ;)

As a menopause specialist I can honestly say that some women on here are woefully misinformed, ignorant, and dismissive of how some women are affected by it. Some sail through it, some don't. Bully for you if it's be a walk in the park.

OP - that aside, you are entitled to spend your weekends as you wish, and that shouldn't involve having your sister's kids every weekend, to the detriment of yourself, your husband and your kids.

You’re getting massively derailed into an argument about peri. The issue here is that your sister is being a CF. Peri or not, what she’s asking is excessive and you’d be fully justified in saying ‘no’.

YANBU I think you've already been extremely generous with your current offer

She was foolish to take a job that relied on someone else having her children every weekend without having a plan.

I'm sure there are weekend childcare options somewhere

Thanks to most posters. I am going to say no again. My main reason for this is due to not feeling great with perimenopause symptoms. A few years ago, I’d have been more likely to say yes because I wasn’t having symptoms that make me feel unwell.

The goady posters have arrived, same old. 🙄

2 things -

At long last the challenges faced by menopause and perimenopause are getting more recognition; so disregard the poster derailing the thread talking disparagingly of the 'everlasting list of symptoms' (yes there are indeed several medically recognised symptoms) and accusing you of 'playing the perimenopause card', which is pretty low when you are already offering a lot of support but can't give any more.

When you say no to your sister's request - as I hope you do - just make sure she doesn't go after your adult DC directly without you knowing, who might feel pressured into helping out. You don't say whether your DC is female but this may be a particular risk if so as your sister seems to think that it is the responsibility of the nearest available female, rather than her own partner, to provide childcare.

Then she can't take the job. That is a completely unreasonable request.

We know from years on here that looking after children is work, just as much as paid work from employers, so she's basically saying 'do my job for free so I can do another paid job'. There is no world in which that is reasonable, esp as it's not a family where free childcare is a tradition and you owe her for years of it. She and her DP need to re-strategise around how to combine work and family in a way that doesn't rely on other equally busy people to do their work for them.

Please stop derailing the thread

that's up to the OP. I'd say its a "reason" and not a "card" Some people feel completely comfortable with the "no" as a complete sentence, some people prefer to give an explanation. As someone now in my 70's I can definitely say that peri made a huge difference to what I could do.
I think there is a reason that a plain no might be better because people will start with "oh have you tried this, that, the other"

Your sister and her husband's childcare is on them. They'll have to switch shifts or she finds something that is no weekend work. Asking you to give up your weekends off for childcare for a 3 and 6 year old is a huge ask and your family would lose out and you would have no days off. I think it's more than reasonable to refuse.

It is your choice, you do what you can - not what she needs you to do.

I would watch my sisters children any time, but that is only because she has helped me a lot when mine were little so I would only be returning the favor really.

I wouldn't do any of it ,mine are older too , but like you I have to spend time dropping and picking to places , public transport is non existent where we are too. I've raised mine I don't want to start childminding now that I have some kind of free time and my own kids wouldn't enjoy weekends with small kids . I babysit occasionally for my niece and nephew which is lovely but permanent childcare I couldn't do. She will have to hire someone to help