AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's children more?

[GiveItOneMoreDay]

I have 3 children who are 19, 16 and 14. I take the youngest and middle child to school and pick them up each day which is a 45 minutes drive each way, as well as work full time Monday to Friday, finishing late to make up for the time I spend on the school run. My husband also works full time Monday to Friday. Weekdays are very busy for all of us but things are easier now the kids are older. Some weekends we drop the kids to places as there isn’t much public transport here but we have time for our hobbies and going out.

My sister has 3 children aged 20, (at university), 6 and 3. She gave up her job when she had her last child but now wants to return to her career which will require weekend work. The younger two will go to a childminder (oldest will go before and after school) on weekdays but she has asked me to have the children at weekends. I’ve said I will have them for either a Saturday or Sunday every other week or for a whole weekend once a month but I can’t have them every weekend. She is saying she won’t be able to go back to work if I don’t have them as she doesn’t have anyone else. I’ve suggested she looks for a different job or her partner changes his job or hours but she says that’s not possible.

By Friday I really need the weekend to relax. I’m in perimenopause and having lots of symptoms and don’t want to have to work all week and then have young children to look after every weekend. My husband and children don’t want them here every weekend either so we have offered what we can.

Am I being unreasonable to just need weekends to relax and do things for ourselves. Are there any childcare options for couples like my sister and partner who both work weekends?

YANBU. She shouldn't have taken the job without considering childcare arrangements.

That's still a commitment though, isn't it? Some things are more important than a little bit of extra money. Other people's children in the home - especially young children - changes the dynamic. I'd rather have my house to myself tbh.

I agree with "do what you can" except I'd rephrase it as "do what you want to"

And probably reckless, since there’d be a good chance the sister would be pressuring and berating all month, every month, for far more child-dumping. I think OP should rescind the offer, and asap
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What a cheek; the common reaction of parents such as this to a rebuffed request is a shocked, even outraged ‘But how will I manage?’, as though all along they'd planned on childcare bring someone else’s responsibility.

I have no children and work Monday to Thursday. I still wouldn't do this! You have children, you look after them.

They are so young that this could be a 10 year thing.No way would I do that.

I would say to your sister that you chatted to your husband about this. Tell her that you both work full time during to the week and that weekends are for family time and doing things. Tell her at the moment you're doing a lot of driving bringing you kids to places at weekends and that gcse's and a levels are coming up so you won't be available to mind her kid's at the weekends.

My feeling is that if you start to mind her kid's say the odd Saturday next thing you have the childminder let her down and be expected to drop all and mind her kid's. They decided to have 2 kids and if she wants to go back to work she needs to look for a different job with more family friendly hours.

Being honest her kids are coming to be going to birthdays, sport, friends house ect. Her or her partner need to be around at weekends for this.
You need to do what's best for you, your health and what suits your family rather than another few years of minding small kids every weekend.

Your sister and her need to sort the out themselves and not expect you to mind there kids every weekend. She probably expect you to do this for free as well.

I bet you're putting way more thought and concern into this problem than your brother-in-law.

Yes, good point

You absolutely should not feel guilty for saying no. Your sister is being incredibly unreasonable to ask this of you. You have done your time raising small children, have an ongoing incredibly busy schedule and deserve your weekends to yourself. What you have offered is way more than I would have. I honestly can't believe the entitlement of some of the people I hear of on here. Stick to your guns OP.

Not a chance. Not even once a month.

No other reasons are needed other than you don't want to.

I have started saying I don't want to more and more. It is hard at first, but becomes surprisingly easy after a while.

To me, menopause/peri is irrelevant. I wouldn't want to have to spend every weekend all weekend, looking after someone else's small children. OP has passed that stage with her own children and is entitled to a life of her own now. Her time isn't her sister's to comandeer. And I bet it wouldn't be long before the sister suggests that it would make more sense for the children to sleep over every Saturday night to save travelling (and give her a night off). She chose to have them, she sorts the problem. OP has already offered her some regular care as well as for emergencies - which I fear would become very frequent.

OP, honestly you really would be mad to get involved.

Those children will need a decade of minding.
Your freedom and weekends impacted.
Madness to get involved.

Her partner also works all weekend every weekend? Yanbu either way.

Indeed. mnhq quite like some of their, what shall we call them, 'goaders'. Best ignored. 💐

Hell no.

-You sound rushed off your feet.

-Weekends are so precious.

-When would you ever have any downtime if you agreed to this?

-Has your sister helped you historically with school runs and similar?

No, no. No. And again, no.

Or they throw money at the problem and pay for childcare

Fuck, no. Just no, you don’t need to justify it in any way op (no one’s business!) Jeez, what a cheeky mare she is. I wouldn’t do what you offered myself, way too much given what else you have going on. She needs to sort things out for herself and pay if necessary.

As others say, any system of child care that relies so heavily on family support is unsustainable. Your sister is going to have to renegotiate her hours, get DH to do so for his job, or keep looking for an alternative job. It is deeply unfair to expect others to care for her children when she has a partner. It is down to them to work it our between them and/or find a PAID weekend babysitter/childminder (which she may actually be able to do if she posts on Facebook and local childminding web pages, as I have nanny/childminder friends who have done weekend work if they have PT weekday contracts and partners who also work weekends).

No one in your household, yourself included, wants this. Don’t upset yourself and your family for fear of upsetting your sister. This is her problem, and you are not the solution. You have no reason to feel guilty or that you should do this. YANBU.

I’m another saying you can say straight no, you don’t need to do any weekends. She and her dh can work it between them, it might mean one or both of them having different jobs or different shifts. Or if it’s well paid enough, hiring a weekend nanny. But this isn’t your job to fix. You can’t work 7 days a week and yes, caring for someone else’s child is working.

She is saying she won’t be able to go back to work if I don’t have them as she doesn’t have anyone else.

The only answer to this is: "True, you won't be able to go back to work then." And not discuss it any further.

She is a CF of the highest order for even asking. You’re nuts to offer what you have. Enjoy the quiet weekends you have earned and let her solve her own childcare problems.

Symptoms of what?

What is it your sister does? Is it normal to have to work both weekend days in her industry, or is this something she's decided would work best for them as you can provide free childcare on those days?
Either way YANBU to say no