AIBU to feel embarrassed by my mum's lack of self care?

[Anonladyx]

I’m a 28-years old, and I feel really guilty even writing this because I absolutely adore my mum. She means the world to me, and I know this probably makes me sound awful, but I’m becoming increasingly embarrassed by the way she presents herself.

My mum is 66, and I completely understand that looking glamorous or putting loads of effort into your appearance might not be a priority at her age. I’m not expecting her to dress up or look a certain way — I just wish she would make a little bit of effort to look clean and put together.

For example, she’ll go out without brushing her hair, so it can genuinely look like a bird’s nest. She rarely gets it cut, and I’ve even shown her how much neater it looks when I put it up in a simple claw clip for her, but she refuses.

Her personal hygiene also isn’t great. She rarely showers unless she’s going somewhere like a restaurant for dinner. Her dental hygiene is another concern; she’s been a heavy smoker since her twenties and unfortunately has very few teeth left now.

She’ll also wear the same clothes day after day, and regardless of the weather, she seems determined to wear the same pair of Skechers sandals. What makes it more frustrating is that she isn’t struggling financially. She has money, but would rather spend it on scratch cards or random things for her flat than on clothes, hair appointments, etc.

The difficult part is that I genuinely don’t know how to approach the subject. I know she would take it extremely personally if I told her that I was embarrassed by the way she looks or that I thought she needed to take better care of herself. I would never want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like I don’t accept her as she is.

I think part of why I find it particularly difficult is because I’m the complete opposite. I take a lot of pride in my appearance and genuinely enjoy looking after myself, and my sisters are the same. We all make an effort with our hair, clothes, hygiene, etc., so I suppose the contrast feels even more noticeable to me.

I’m also getting to the point where I feel embarrassed about my boyfriend meeting her, and I feel absolutely horrible admitting that. It’s not because I’m ashamed of her as a person — I love her more than anything. I just find it difficult seeing someone I love seemingly not care about themselves at all, she will complain that she looks a ‘mess’ but never does anything to improve it.

I know this probably sounds horrible, and I’m not trying to judge her or say that she needs to look a certain way. I think I just needed somewhere to have a rant and get it off my chest, because I genuinely don’t know what the right thing to do is. Sorry this is a long one😢

Oh boy that’s difficult. Does she not care because she has a full life and doesn’t focus on it, or could it be that she doesn’t change her clothes because laundry feels like hard work?

I guess I’m asking, is she all right in herself or could this be a symptom of something else?

either way it’s going to be very hard for you to say anything without causing offence. How would you feel if somebody commented on you?

She doesn’t work anymore, so she has a lot of spare time, which is why I’m not really sure what it is. She’s never been interested in makeup or clothes, so maybe she genuinely just has no interest in her appearance. She’s never mentioned depression, and although she has a few health conditions, thankfully nothing major, touch wood.
I wouldn’t ever say any of this to her because I know she’d take it badly and I’d hate to hurt her. I think I just needed somewhere to vent.

Did she used to put effort in when she was younger? Has she ever been the type of person to enjoy dressing well and keeping her hair styled?

As my mother aged she stopped her glamorous style of dressing but this coincided with mental decline.
Is your mother showing signs of mental decline or depression?

Christmas isn't far away, maybe she would be interested in going shopping with you for a nice warm smart outfit as a gift, or a hair cut.

Yes it can feel a little embarrassing, but first it might be worth ruling out if this is a change for her?

Nope, she’s never really had an interest in things like that, but she always used to make sure her hair was brushed, showered, etc.
We’ve offered to buy her clothes and have bought her things, but she never wears them. I’ll definitely offer to take her for a haircut though. Thank you for your reply!❤️

Really difficult situation OP and I appreciate your genuine concern.
If she has never been interested in clothes etc, unlikely to change now but grooming and personal hygiene would make a huge difference.
As hard as it is, I would bring it up with her.
There is no doubt that you love your mum.

With her teeth issue. Can you find options for her? Sometimes when people are depressed starting things is hard. What would happen if you told her a freind went to x clinic and gave it a good review. They are doing a great deal currently, in case you or someone you know is interested here is the number/ email.

It's one thing to be uninterested in clothes etc, but quite another when personal hygiene is neglected.

Doesn't she smell unpleasant? I think I'd ask her if she was unhappy and depressed and tell her that her neglect of herself is really worrying you.

Reassure her how much you love her but ..... and take it from there

My Mum started letting her appearance slip when she had the start of dementia. She always used a styling iron to do her hair and always wore a little make up but forgot how to do these things. She started wearing the same clothes day in day out and insisted on showering only once a week insisting a stand up wash was sufficient although we spent 7k doing up the bathroom and changing it from an old cluttered advocado coloured bath suite to a modern minimalist shower/wet room in shades of grey. It was very sad seeing her like that.

If you can't speak about it without offending her, which I agree is tricky, then you have to work around her choices. If she's inappropriately dressed for nice restaurants and it makes you uncomfortable, then stop going to them with her.
Tell your BF in advance that your mum is a little 'different' in the way she presents herself so he isn't surprised by it.
And remember, your mum is not you. She is an autonomous adult who makes her choices separately from you, so there is no need to carry second hand embarrassment for her.

That sounds exactly like my mum, in my mum's case she was severely depressed, but was trying to put on a happy front. Do you think your mum could be suffering from depression?

Don’t beat yourself up over this. As far as I’m concerned, your love and compassion for your mother leap from the page screen, most sincerely.

Depression and general anhedonia suggest themselves, and are all too common at this age, and while antidepressants are obvious, such basic health matters as vitamins B12 and D being too low could be bringing her mood down a lot. The lack of those two (and iron) alone can make you feel bloody zombified.
Would the gift of a full health ‘MOT’ be acceptable to her?
Get all her bloods done, eyes tested, hearing, heart and whatnot, before hitting 70?
The pampering ideas sound great. Especially the haircut, as it can be such a drag washing hair enough (my darling old Ma was like this)

But I only wanted to reassure you that you are doing right, not wrong, in addressing these worries. I hope you find a resolution thst will bring you peace of mind 🙏🏻

I'm at your Mum's stage of life and am blissfully indifferent to how I look. All those years of dieting, make-up and following fashion are happily behind me - not that I was ever all that invested in them. However, personal hygiene, dentistry, regular laundry and general self care are very important to me. Nobody wants to be a smelly old relic! I wonder if your Mum is depressed without really consciously being aware?

Is there any chance of neurodiversity here and becoming more of an issue in menopause? Many ND people have sensory issues with showering and hair brushing. For me, I get to like the clothes I’m wearing as they seem the best thing at the time and so I do tend to buy multiples so I can chuck in the wash and carry on with something similar.
But also - we all have a different idea of personal grooming. My hair is curly and I wouldn’t dream of combing it or washing daily. I don’t shave and don’t often wear makeup. But I do like clothes and earrings and I do shower daily.

Sounds like autism

I honestly don’t think it matters if she takes it personally OP. Brushing your hair and teeth and having a shower is very basic. I would tell her that it is very worrying that she doesn’t do these things and I would also tell her that you don’t want to go out with her unless she does these things.

She obviously needs to hear it from someone that loves her.

My God, there is always one…

Can you not just be more joky and direct. Eg. If we're going out for dinner you need to find a cleaner top. Im not going out with you looking like that etc

If she's saying she's a "mess" I'd use that as a jumping point to tackle it.
I know it's ingrained to say 'No you don't!' but that's both lying to her and not really helping. The fact she's asking could be a bit of a cry for help, or at least her vaguely acknowledging that she knows something isn't quite right, so use it as an opportunity.

Try something like, 'What do you mean?' or 'Why do you say that?' to see what she responds. Then depending on how open she is say 'If I'm honest I have noticed that you don't seem to be taking care of yourself in the same way you used to. Is everything okay?'

Keep it focussed on the things she used to do but now doesn't/basic hygiene (showering, haircut, teeth brushing etc.) rather than things she never did anyway, as at least then you can keep it focussed as a change in herself rather than her not being like you/society's expectations etc.

Wearing the same clothes every day might be a bit unusual but isn't in itself unhealthy, but not washing/brushing your teeth is.

She may be depressed with her teeth so no motivation to do her hair or dress nicely. Maybe a consultation with a dentist if she could afford it would be a good place to start.

Indeed.
Its the answer to everything now.
(will just add- I have adhd and asd and I bathe regularly 😂)
It sounds like possible low mood.
Or... she genuinely might not give a toss, in which case - its up to others to accept that.

It's getting absolutely tedious isn't it?

Please stop apologising and feeling guilty about how you are feeling. You sound like a wonderful daughter dealing with a very difficult situation. It sounds like your mum is in desperate need of help. Would she let you go along to the GP with her? As much as you love your mum you must look after yourself. You can not make everything better. Take care of you and hope mum gets and accepts the help she needs .

Did she meet your care needs as a child? Were hers met when she was a child?

Sounds like she maybe depressed maybe?

It does sound quite extreme and I would have in my mind that it could be the start of a mental decline (I mean dementia type illness). Is there anything else about her presentation that’s worrying at all?