AIBU to feel embarrassed by my mum's lack of self care?

[Anonladyx]

I’m a 28-years old, and I feel really guilty even writing this because I absolutely adore my mum. She means the world to me, and I know this probably makes me sound awful, but I’m becoming increasingly embarrassed by the way she presents herself.

My mum is 66, and I completely understand that looking glamorous or putting loads of effort into your appearance might not be a priority at her age. I’m not expecting her to dress up or look a certain way — I just wish she would make a little bit of effort to look clean and put together.

For example, she’ll go out without brushing her hair, so it can genuinely look like a bird’s nest. She rarely gets it cut, and I’ve even shown her how much neater it looks when I put it up in a simple claw clip for her, but she refuses.

Her personal hygiene also isn’t great. She rarely showers unless she’s going somewhere like a restaurant for dinner. Her dental hygiene is another concern; she’s been a heavy smoker since her twenties and unfortunately has very few teeth left now.

She’ll also wear the same clothes day after day, and regardless of the weather, she seems determined to wear the same pair of Skechers sandals. What makes it more frustrating is that she isn’t struggling financially. She has money, but would rather spend it on scratch cards or random things for her flat than on clothes, hair appointments, etc.

The difficult part is that I genuinely don’t know how to approach the subject. I know she would take it extremely personally if I told her that I was embarrassed by the way she looks or that I thought she needed to take better care of herself. I would never want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like I don’t accept her as she is.

I think part of why I find it particularly difficult is because I’m the complete opposite. I take a lot of pride in my appearance and genuinely enjoy looking after myself, and my sisters are the same. We all make an effort with our hair, clothes, hygiene, etc., so I suppose the contrast feels even more noticeable to me.

I’m also getting to the point where I feel embarrassed about my boyfriend meeting her, and I feel absolutely horrible admitting that. It’s not because I’m ashamed of her as a person — I love her more than anything. I just find it difficult seeing someone I love seemingly not care about themselves at all, she will complain that she looks a ‘mess’ but never does anything to improve it.

I know this probably sounds horrible, and I’m not trying to judge her or say that she needs to look a certain way. I think I just needed somewhere to have a rant and get it off my chest, because I genuinely don’t know what the right thing to do is. Sorry this is a long one😢

For me there is a massive difference between grooming and hygiene. Your mum's grooming and choice of clothes is none of your business. If she has birds nest hair or wears the same (but laundered) clothes every day then that's her eccentricity.

Hygiene is different as it is disgusting to be around someone who does not shower/bathe, ignores their dental hygiene to the point of losing teeth and having bad breath, and wears clothes that stink. I would be blunt if it were my mum. "Mum, I love you more than anything in the world but your clothes stink and you need a shower. People aren't going to want to be around you if you can't keep yourself clean. I bought you these shower gels as a treat - please promise you'll use them. Otherwise, I can't bring my boyfriend to meet you."

Yes, this exactly.

Yes, but. There's a balance between being disheveled/unconcerned about being spic and span on one hand and being actually dirty and stinky on the other. As people age they often perceive themselves to be the former while gradually sliding into the latter. It's important to guard against that for the sake of one's friends and family.

Have you checked if there has ever been Alzheimer's disease in your family. If not, make a Doctors appointment for a test. It may not be that but a blood test will confirm.

She may also be Vit deficient which causes depression.

Dentistry in the past was often painful and dentists judgmental. She may well be scared of dentistry - you might be able to help by helping her find a dentist that's good with nervous people. Dental care isn't cosmetic - poor oral health can affect other bits of your body as well. (It obviously can be cosmetic if you're thinking about whitening and veneers and things but standard dental care isn't that).

Might she have a frozen shoulder? Trying to think why somebody wouldn't brush their hair and not being able to reach it without pain is one reason. You can get long handled brushes and combs to help.

Showers can be a problem if you think you might fall / you have postural hypotension. You can discuss whether she wants to alter her bathroom in preparation for being old - would a wet room suit her? A bath with a lift? Shower shoes may help. As might a shower stool. And remember that washing is what's important, it doesn't matter if that involves a shower/ a bath / a strip wash at a sink. Strip washing at a sink has advantages - you can do half your body at a time, there's less risk of falling.

Talk but don't use the word "embarrassed". Talk about concern for her well being, hygiene generally getting a grip. Do you have siblings who will support you?

was she married ? is she recently widowed? Im sorry I've not read all the comments but it got me thinking.

My gran was widowed for 40 years maybe more and I always assumed she was fine with everything

Now as a woman of a certain age sometimes I need help with personal things - I have a hubby it's not a problem but when she died because I found her I noticed things she had obviously struggled with and it breaks my heart that she didn't think she could ask for help.

With your mum I think you should offer to take her to the hairdressers and get her hair done in a way that is easy. speak to her about depression. you mentioned she get's cleaned when she is going somewhere. maybe take her more places - try not to make her feel bad or self conscious. maybe she's exhusted sore over whelmed. People didn't used to bath daily so if she's showering once a week maybe that's all the spoons she has. is it a problem does she actually smell ? because if not I wouldn't mention it. You only get one mum and honestly treasure her.

You need to have a word with her and have your sisters back you up. Don’t mention being embrassed but say it in a way that you are worried she may be struggling with personal care and does she need some help?

Id go in with a list and some suggestions for each issue .

Maybe there are lots of other things she'd rather do with her time.

Not bothering about appearance laundry and personal hygiene can be a sign of a mental health decline. My MiL was assessed by social services.when she was almost eighty and struggling to look after her self properly. In the social workers report the social worker commented on her stained cardigan with a button missing, and worn out shoes, so I think it does matter. Perhaps ask you mother how is she feeling mentally health wise, and say that you worried she's beginning to show outward signs of problems that If she is OK , she could tackle some of these now if she wishes to, and that you will help her with hairdresser and dental and opticians appointments etc. Focus on health aspects rather than your embarrassment.

Would try to get her to a dentist. Teeth can cause so many indirect health problems. And pain! One step at a time

Could your mum be missing something in her life since she stopped working? For some people it can be a large part of their identity and they don't always admit it's hard to adjust.

Could you take her for a surprise "girlie" afternoon where you both get spoilt? You could both get say your nails or hair done and have coffee/tea with cake afterwards.

That way it might cheer her up, and you of course, but also as a no pressure environment by you not forcing the issue with her?

You could gradually mention things in a comfortable less judgemental way .. or it could cheer her up and encourage her to do things for herself. As a plus, you also get to spend valuable time with your mum :)

Not everyone needs a haircut every eight weeks. I'd be a bit nonplussed if my DD booked them for me. I certainly wouldn't go.

Me too! I get my hair trimmed about twice a year and it looks absolutely fine.

It's good to help with health and hygiene, but trying to pushing things which are purely appearance based when she's never been interested is different.

You clearly love her very much, and I personally don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

My DH can be a scruff he simply doesn’t care sometimes, and when he was taking our 21 year old DS out earlier today, I told him to smarten up and not embarrass our DS by looking like a tramp. In other words to consider our DS’s feelings.

Could you club together with your sisters and organise a special day out for her. Get her hair and nails done (would a teeth clean be pushing it?) a new smart but comfortable easy to wear outfit and dinner.

Good luck I know how you must feel.

This woman is 66. She knows what she likes/wants.
Her daughter, 28, who by her own profession, cares very much about how she projects and is worried what her boyfriend will think.
Yet somehow the woman has dementia?!
😂

Things other than wash, brush her hair, and brush her teeth daily?

It sounds that she’s maybe exhausted and the effort of grooming and personal care has become quite overwhelming.
How about giving your mum a mini makeover yourself - you could take some nice products and pamper her ,wash & blow her hair , little manicure, some make up , a spot of perfume .
My mum suffered from overwhelming and crippling anxiety and I used to do this for her regularly - it took years of her and it lifted her so much ❤️

I don’t believe she has dementia but it’s pretty abnormal to wear stinky clothes, sandals and let your teeth rot in your 60s.

I think this is a lovely suggestion and way of going about things.

Energy levels can drop off a lot at this age as can motivation.

There are so many expectations on women to work and look after everyone else that when it comes to looking after themselves, it’s like another chore, and the energy just isn’t there,

Could she be a bit depressed op do you think? I understand your perspective that you want your mum to look after herself as much for her sake as well as yours.

I think another angle might be that you approach it very gently from a mh perspective and ask if she is doing ok because you have noticed that she is not taking care of herself as much as she used to? And you are a bit worried about her?

I wouldn’t worry about your bf though. If he is a genuine person and a keeper then he should be understanding of your mum.

I think this was a really terrific way of helping your grandmother for her 80th; presented with such care and discretion.

I have a friend who has started “organising” their 90 year old mother who admittedly does need a bit of support but has been admirably sharp and independent up to this point, and the way my friend does it is so over-bearing and patronising, I can’t stand it!

I think the way one steps in and helps is all important and should be done with respect and sensitivity.

There could be a dental thing going on here as well. Your mum is the same age as me - like me, and others of our generation, we had the virtual child abuse of those times, inflicted on us by school dentists. 🤬

Unless you’re old enough to remember them, it’s impossible to imagine, and, in no way would it be allowed now.

Despite the fact that dentists now are painless, understanding and gentle (or mine is), it was years ago, and that my head knows that, I still walk in there with flashbacks and shaking. 🙄

Your Mum’s problems could be a combination of things - don’t just assume Dementia.

On the dental issues if her oral health is not good this can contribute to getting dementia and her life span let alone being able to chew food properly for good digestion. It is more than about looks. Does she say why she will not sort her teeth out? My mum went years with front teeth needing looking at while she was still at the workplace and I was your age. I could not understand it and think she was scared of the dentist. I found it very embarrassing

Her choice.

Could you discuss with your sisters what changes you have noticed and how to approach this. Not to "gang up" against your mum but to decide which issues to address and how.
I would start with hair and teeth brushing and daily showering as they are most important.

Wearing clothes a second day is fine in my book if washing or showering daily and changing undies daily. And as long as they appear clean.

Good luch OP.