AIBU to feel embarrassed by my mum's lack of self care?

[Anonladyx]

I’m a 28-years old, and I feel really guilty even writing this because I absolutely adore my mum. She means the world to me, and I know this probably makes me sound awful, but I’m becoming increasingly embarrassed by the way she presents herself.

My mum is 66, and I completely understand that looking glamorous or putting loads of effort into your appearance might not be a priority at her age. I’m not expecting her to dress up or look a certain way — I just wish she would make a little bit of effort to look clean and put together.

For example, she’ll go out without brushing her hair, so it can genuinely look like a bird’s nest. She rarely gets it cut, and I’ve even shown her how much neater it looks when I put it up in a simple claw clip for her, but she refuses.

Her personal hygiene also isn’t great. She rarely showers unless she’s going somewhere like a restaurant for dinner. Her dental hygiene is another concern; she’s been a heavy smoker since her twenties and unfortunately has very few teeth left now.

She’ll also wear the same clothes day after day, and regardless of the weather, she seems determined to wear the same pair of Skechers sandals. What makes it more frustrating is that she isn’t struggling financially. She has money, but would rather spend it on scratch cards or random things for her flat than on clothes, hair appointments, etc.

The difficult part is that I genuinely don’t know how to approach the subject. I know she would take it extremely personally if I told her that I was embarrassed by the way she looks or that I thought she needed to take better care of herself. I would never want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like I don’t accept her as she is.

I think part of why I find it particularly difficult is because I’m the complete opposite. I take a lot of pride in my appearance and genuinely enjoy looking after myself, and my sisters are the same. We all make an effort with our hair, clothes, hygiene, etc., so I suppose the contrast feels even more noticeable to me.

I’m also getting to the point where I feel embarrassed about my boyfriend meeting her, and I feel absolutely horrible admitting that. It’s not because I’m ashamed of her as a person — I love her more than anything. I just find it difficult seeing someone I love seemingly not care about themselves at all, she will complain that she looks a ‘mess’ but never does anything to improve it.

I know this probably sounds horrible, and I’m not trying to judge her or say that she needs to look a certain way. I think I just needed somewhere to have a rant and get it off my chest, because I genuinely don’t know what the right thing to do is. Sorry this is a long one😢

She sounds depressed. Its not normal at all, at any age - especially if she used to be neater.

Did she not smell it herself? It always baffles me when this happens.

If it was my mum I would tell her some hard truths. Be blunt but kind. How people don’t shower and get ready for the day baffles me! Even if I’m at home all day I’ll still shower and get myself dressed / brush my hair!

Could you double up a hair appointment, both of you go together and make out that it’s a treat? Book appts for things together “since you’re already going”?

For my mum - the lack of bathing, hair washing and teeth brushing whilst living alone were symptoms of her dementia. She lost executive functioning i.e. to realise these things needed to be done and then follow through and do them. Is you mum showing any signs of cognitive decline?

I think there’s two issues - lack of interest in her appearance and personal hygiene. I don’t think you can fix the first - some people just aren’t interested and there’s nothing you can do about that. Personal hygiene is a separate issue though as it affects other people. Is she visibly unclean or does she smell in some way? As hard as that is, for her sake (and the sake of others), I think that’s got to be raised.

I'm not sure there's much you can do other than offer to take her out so she'll have to bathe, buy her nice toiletries and 'remind' her to use them? As for her teeth, would she consider dentures?

Some people really don't care about clothes and being really clean. If she's depressed though you should ask her to speak to the GP.

Just a random shot, but has she been recently widowed/divorced? After my DH died, it was a daily struggle to summon up the motivation to keep up my usual standards. I did it, but it was very hard. Fine now, and I’m glad I forced myself to carry on as I did before.

She could be depressed otherwise.

Difficult for you though.

How nasty of Sara Cox to share that.

I would sit her down and say “Mum
im really worrried about you! You taught us growing up that we brush our hair every day and put on clean clothes and you’ve worn the same shirt 3 days in a row and you hair looks like it hasn’t been brushed all week, or washed this month. Are you okay? Do you need some extra support? Someone to come in and help?”

treat it like a real problem, coming from a place of concern! That’s the kindest way to go about it, you can’t stop her from feeling how she feels about it I’m afraid

Absolutely agree - but HM was a real daughter, never embarrassed of her mum - and it was not some shitting boyfriend (who the fuck is he to judge her mum) but heads of state and dignitaries from all over the world that met her mum.

Very true

this. yes I know its another MN staple.

I wonder if this is a symptom of something bigger. When someone isn't washing or doing the laundry, then that's not normal. Especially if in the past it's something they would do. Most people make sure they are personally clean, the clothes they wear are clean, their teeth are brushed regularly and hair combed.

Not being interested in clothes, makeup etc isn't the issue, it's the lack of personal hygiene and awareness around it, that is.

Have you noticed any mental decline within your Mum or have your sisters?

Yes, of course sometimes people are lazy but to the point they barely wash or wash their clothes? I'm not sure this is laziness or not bothering.

If it were me, I'd be mortified and also worried how my mum was perceived locally - as in it might isolate her or make her a target. I'd just have to bite the bullet and tell her it is socially unacceptable and also going to cause her problems, particularly the dental issues. I'm a pretty forthright person but not insensitive so whilst I wouldn't relish this would be able to do that. What I'd do if she seemed unable to change/accept help I'm not quite sure. I don't think I could hug or kiss my unwashed mum with dental decay. I assume her house is fairly grubby, too? She's not likely to wash her hand towels, change her sheets or mop the floor very often with this approach to hygiene, I imagine. I'd probably have to limit contact if nothing changes because I'd be pretty grossed out. Not to the point where I wasn't monitoring her well being - I do wonder if she is developing cognitive issues despite you thinking she seems mentally alert. I'd watch out for unpaid bills or neglect of her diet etc. You should ask for a care assessment from Social Services if you do start to suspect something is wrong and also get her to the GP. She would also likely be eligible for the community dentist if she is ill in some way. I'm sorry you're in this position and hope you find an answer.

First off you sound lovely, don’t feel guilty about feeling embarrassed what come across far more in your post is a genuine and deep care for your mother. I’m a bloke and dating someone who had such a strong and sincere love for their mum would be a huge green flag, plus it speaks well of her that she raised such a kind daughter. Far more than her current presentation.

I had a scenario with my dad being worried about my grandmother. It’s wasn’t so much personal presentation but her getting a bit scatty and the house falling into a bit of a mess, as it got all a bit on top of her. Important thing as a parent gets older is to ensure they have maximal agency. So what I proposed is when her 80th arrived which wasn’t that far off we organised a big meal, bought a new electric oven (we were worried about the gas on), and got some professional cleaners in to get it all sorted, but it was presented more as a giant thank you from all of us more so than “we don’t think you can cope”.

What I’d propose is how about you and you sisters have a confab about maybe getting some nice professionally done photographs done of all of you including mum? You’ve got a ready made excuse to go get hair done together, wardrobe shopping, nails done etc? Then when you are out let her lead on the look and stuff and praise stuff she picks that looks good. The object of the exercise is two fold, bolster her self esteem, and encourage channels of communication between you where she can get across how she’s feeling.

Don’t stop at just stuff for the photos, if there is an opening encourage her to get nice things for everyday too.

Are you sure she has enough money, if she has a scratch card habit and smokes that could be taking all her spare money.

If the lack of personal care is fairly recent I would be starting to wonder about depression and/or the beginnings of dementia.

It's one thing not being fussy for makeup and fancy clothes which is perfectly normal but being dirty isn't.

I think the only thing I’d worry about is the showering (or washing) and the teeth. Unfortunately when you smoke a lot even if you really try to look after your teeth it does damage them eventually. Do you know she doesn’t wash? I definitely don’t shower everyday but I’ll have a sink wash at least. I tend to try to wash my hair only once a week, if I wash it every day it wrecks the oils in it and I’ll be greasy before the end of the day so I’ll limit it unless I’m going out out. Is she like this or actually smelling? Couldn’t be bothered about brushing hair, I don’t even take a brush on holiday!

Poor mum.... I'm that mum, no not dirty etc but don't particularly worry about my appearance.. Not depressed, not got low self esteem, not got dementia.. Just me

Is she in her own? I do think that sometimes when your ‘purpose’ is completed ( children raised / no partner) it is easy to slip into a ‘I don’t matter’ mindset. I say this as a staunch feminist who has nearly fallen victim to this mindset.

She couldn't have done. She wore a lot of polyester blouses (it was that decade) and I don't think that helped. My step dad didn't say anything either and he was with her all the time. I don't know- it hurts my heart to think about it

My daughter told me rather bluntly and I was completely defensive and embarrassed, she was told off by her sibling and we both agreed she had politeness issues and possibly adhd as no empathy and a bit mean. And then I saw a pic of myself that was from a day out and I couldn’t believe that was me !!!! My first daughter was right and I was in denial and would rather shoot the messenger!!!

My boobs aren't big enough to be offensive if I'm braless. I just look slightly more female with a bra on!

I'm frequently so in my own little world I don't really consider the impact I make on others around me. And honestly, as an older woman, I'm mostly invisible anyway. Which I find pretty freeing. Being attractive to men when I was younger was something I found difficult at times. I'm much happier being unseen.

It’s a tricky thing to bring up with someone.

Does you mum have a sister? Or any other close peers who could say something?

I agree though that something must be said. It will only get worse.

There's the freedom of not caring, then there's the self-neglect of not caring. And the latter is often a symptom of depression and loneliness.