AIBU to feel embarrassed by my mum's lack of self care?

[Anonladyx]

I’m a 28-years old, and I feel really guilty even writing this because I absolutely adore my mum. She means the world to me, and I know this probably makes me sound awful, but I’m becoming increasingly embarrassed by the way she presents herself.

My mum is 66, and I completely understand that looking glamorous or putting loads of effort into your appearance might not be a priority at her age. I’m not expecting her to dress up or look a certain way — I just wish she would make a little bit of effort to look clean and put together.

For example, she’ll go out without brushing her hair, so it can genuinely look like a bird’s nest. She rarely gets it cut, and I’ve even shown her how much neater it looks when I put it up in a simple claw clip for her, but she refuses.

Her personal hygiene also isn’t great. She rarely showers unless she’s going somewhere like a restaurant for dinner. Her dental hygiene is another concern; she’s been a heavy smoker since her twenties and unfortunately has very few teeth left now.

She’ll also wear the same clothes day after day, and regardless of the weather, she seems determined to wear the same pair of Skechers sandals. What makes it more frustrating is that she isn’t struggling financially. She has money, but would rather spend it on scratch cards or random things for her flat than on clothes, hair appointments, etc.

The difficult part is that I genuinely don’t know how to approach the subject. I know she would take it extremely personally if I told her that I was embarrassed by the way she looks or that I thought she needed to take better care of herself. I would never want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like I don’t accept her as she is.

I think part of why I find it particularly difficult is because I’m the complete opposite. I take a lot of pride in my appearance and genuinely enjoy looking after myself, and my sisters are the same. We all make an effort with our hair, clothes, hygiene, etc., so I suppose the contrast feels even more noticeable to me.

I’m also getting to the point where I feel embarrassed about my boyfriend meeting her, and I feel absolutely horrible admitting that. It’s not because I’m ashamed of her as a person — I love her more than anything. I just find it difficult seeing someone I love seemingly not care about themselves at all, she will complain that she looks a ‘mess’ but never does anything to improve it.

I know this probably sounds horrible, and I’m not trying to judge her or say that she needs to look a certain way. I think I just needed somewhere to have a rant and get it off my chest, because I genuinely don’t know what the right thing to do is. Sorry this is a long one😢

I wanted to say this...some ill health is utterly draining, poor sleep, hot flashes..so you sweat etc
...it would explain a lot

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
I think this is one of those times.
She needs to see a dentist urgently, change her personal hygiene habits urgently and then the appearance stuff can follow. But showering and looking after your teeth are not optional. If she is not doing those things then it needs to be addressed, frankly.

I'm only a bit younger than your mum and I can empathise with her. I try to make an effort not to look a total mess but frequently get out of the house and realise I haven't brushed my hair or that I'm covered in dog hair.

I've never really cared about my appearance although when I worked outside the home (WFH now) I made an effort to look professional and meet the dress code, wore makeup etc.

Lockdown was the killer for me. I didn't wear a bra for weeks on end. My hygiene levels slipped. I have always been meticulous about clean teeth though.

Fortunately, my family aren't bothered by my appearance. Not sure I'd listen if they were though! It's my life.

Some people just genuinely aren't interested in their appearance. Some people wear scruffiness with a sense of pride. What in some people this may be a sign of self neglect or depression is just benchmark normal for others

You don’t sound at all judgemental or mean, you sound like a loving daughter who cares about her mum. Could you book a pamper session for you both? Hair or spa day, getting a colour analysis done or Mac make over? If stars reluctant say you won it as a surprise or something. She might be more motivated once she sees some glimmers of how she could look. They say if you look good, you feel good and it may give her the boost she needs x

see I find this really strange- that it doesn’t bother you. I just wouldn’t want anyone to see me without a bra, not even my family.

Was she poorer when young, didn’t have enough money for regular hair cuts or good skincare? Does she have a dentist? I would treat her to a haircut and possibly a manicure, massage or some acupuncture if you think she would enjoy it. Maybe a day out with a trip to the theatre or a gallery and lunch would be fun.

Don't be embarrassed - you're not responsible for the way she presents herself.
I can only suggest that you tell her how great she looks when she does make an effort - If you show your approval for something, she might want to do it.

How old is she? Neglecting personal hygiene and be an early sign of dementia x

I don't think not going to the hairdressers is something I would mention. Not brushing her hair, not changing her clothes, the lack.of teeth and aversion to water/hygiene well they are valid things to cause concern. It is going to be very difficult. Has she ever been that bothered about appearance? If not you need to accept that she may not choose to be as groomed as you. There are however some things that are basic

It definitely sounds like depression. You say she no longer works implying she has the time to look after herself, but not working is very often tied to self esteem (and also, if she used to shower and present herself better she may now be thinking “what’s the point? I’m not going anywhere important” etc).

I would start the conversation from that perspective. “How are you feeling since finishing work? Because you don’t really seem like your old self” - just try to get her talking. It might feel easier to address if it doesn’t seem like the purpose of the conversation but just a little thing also related.

Yes because teeth and not showering are health issues. I think you should just come out and say it. You dont have to be rude but for example bad oral hygiene can have consequences for your heart apparently.....the bacteria....likewise, if you dont wash you can get problems. I think you should be brutally honeest but just find a caring way of saying it. And let her know you are serious about it. It's non negotiable.

In hindsight, this is how my mum's dementia started to manifest. She was mid 60s. She'd always been very appearance focused... and then she slipped into old lady and 10 horrible years of alzheimers dementia. Her tooth came out and she didn't even notice.

Could you frame it around scheduling things regularly, like ‘mum, do you need a few bits for the winter? Let’s go through your old things and decide what you need to replace.’ Booking a hair cut every eight weeks, putting a bit of structure on it.

Ahh, now I am the same age and almost entirely the opposite! I am loving this stage of my life - looking my best at an age I still think is not so old is bloody marvellous. I am not a looker by any means but I know what looks good on me and am possibly more body confident than I have ever been. Maybe I am just an old soul whose moment has finally arrived!

This.

Don't infantilise her with 'you pop in the shower I'll get that nice new top i bought you ready!' I think this approach will cause offence!

But. I would raise the hygiene stuff. Mum did you know you that its becoming obvious that you arent showering as much as you need to or changing into clean clothes often enough? Is everything ok?

As for how she looks, well thats up to her. And I actually really respect the rejection of beauty and fashion norms. I like her style!

She’s just not bothered. You won’t change her mind. Your feelings are valid it would be nice if she had more pride or interest in herself. As she has never really had an interest I would not assume that she has depression.
I would talk to her gently.

I'd start the conversation with "mum, I've been struggling with what to say to you without hurting your feelings or offending, and this comes from a place of love, but I'd like to talk to you about......."

Can you not refer to it as a " lovely care package" please? If my adult children said they had bought me this, I would be horrified and expecting carers at the door at any minute to support me with showering and dressing. This what some people rely on every day to maintain their independence and to live /manage their lives- it's not a bundle of smellies.

Maybe just ask her gently why she's not washing, etc. She might be really down on herself and struggling where to start to make changes? If you offer to make a dental appointment for her, she might appreciate your that. Do you know any hairdressers that do home visits, as she might not like going to salons?

It's not easy, but your her daughter and you want her to be ok.

She sounds like my sister who has mental health problems. My sister, while she might shower and wash her hair every few days, would wear ancient fleeces with old food stains on them and old runners that are falling apart. She has long curly hair and often wouldn’t get it cut for years and it’s would resemble a birds nest as she wouldn’t be able to brush it properly.

You sound like a lovely caring daughter, not horrible at all so don’t beat yourself up. I think she sounds depressed, my brother is like this and he suffers from depression. He just can’t summon up the energy or motivation to do self care.

I think you need to mention it to her, you can’t really beat about the bush. Ask her to tell you honestly how she’s feeling. Say to her you think she’s changed and want to help her. I do feel for you though, it’s a difficult one.

Read up on executive function. This is how your brain works in recognizing and prioritizing things. This can be impacted by mental health, trauma, neurodivergence, cognitive decline and intellectual disability. It may help you understand initiation of personal care.

Id also try to understand what does motivate her. Obviously not fashion but does she want better health? Regular showering and moisturizing is way better for skin integrity as well age.

Your mum may also like the feeling of being invisible that if she doesn’t prioritize her self care that she doesn’t feel rejected by the world. (Ironically she may stand out through neglect but part of her brain doesn’t know that).

It sounds as if she is seriously depressed.

Lack of personal hygiene is a symptom.

If nothing else, please get her to see a doctor for an assessment.

A care package is indeed a box of nice, useful or tasty items. The term originated during WW2, I believe, when mothers, wives, and sweethearts sent packages of home baked goods, hand-knitted socks, etc. to men off fighting, to show they cared.