AIBU to feel embarrassed by my mum's lack of self care?

[Anonladyx]

I’m a 28-years old, and I feel really guilty even writing this because I absolutely adore my mum. She means the world to me, and I know this probably makes me sound awful, but I’m becoming increasingly embarrassed by the way she presents herself.

My mum is 66, and I completely understand that looking glamorous or putting loads of effort into your appearance might not be a priority at her age. I’m not expecting her to dress up or look a certain way — I just wish she would make a little bit of effort to look clean and put together.

For example, she’ll go out without brushing her hair, so it can genuinely look like a bird’s nest. She rarely gets it cut, and I’ve even shown her how much neater it looks when I put it up in a simple claw clip for her, but she refuses.

Her personal hygiene also isn’t great. She rarely showers unless she’s going somewhere like a restaurant for dinner. Her dental hygiene is another concern; she’s been a heavy smoker since her twenties and unfortunately has very few teeth left now.

She’ll also wear the same clothes day after day, and regardless of the weather, she seems determined to wear the same pair of Skechers sandals. What makes it more frustrating is that she isn’t struggling financially. She has money, but would rather spend it on scratch cards or random things for her flat than on clothes, hair appointments, etc.

The difficult part is that I genuinely don’t know how to approach the subject. I know she would take it extremely personally if I told her that I was embarrassed by the way she looks or that I thought she needed to take better care of herself. I would never want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like I don’t accept her as she is.

I think part of why I find it particularly difficult is because I’m the complete opposite. I take a lot of pride in my appearance and genuinely enjoy looking after myself, and my sisters are the same. We all make an effort with our hair, clothes, hygiene, etc., so I suppose the contrast feels even more noticeable to me.

I’m also getting to the point where I feel embarrassed about my boyfriend meeting her, and I feel absolutely horrible admitting that. It’s not because I’m ashamed of her as a person — I love her more than anything. I just find it difficult seeing someone I love seemingly not care about themselves at all, she will complain that she looks a ‘mess’ but never does anything to improve it.

I know this probably sounds horrible, and I’m not trying to judge her or say that she needs to look a certain way. I think I just needed somewhere to have a rant and get it off my chest, because I genuinely don’t know what the right thing to do is. Sorry this is a long one😢

Maybe the way forward is to have a word with her friends. She may discuss things ore freely with someone of a similar age.

I'll try to make sure not to become too much of an embarrassment, but I'd bet you my house that if you met me you'd have no idea that I don't shower or wash my clothes every day. Many people are obsessed by an unnecessary level of perceived cleanliness.

No one in full control of their faculties should be bullied by anyone deciding how they need to live.

Sandals?!! Bloody hell. Quick, get the fire hose! Edna's wearing sandals!

If you go to say, Italy, France or Greece you'll see plenty of women, young and old, wearing sandals and looking elegant. Not everyone has to wear ugly, lumpy trainers like we do, unless they're running or at the gym.

But I suspect you don't mean elegant sandals. Plenty of people where I live wear horrible, ugly sandals for comfort. It doesn't mean they need help.

I'm like your mum. Part of it is finally deciding that it's no one else's business how I choose to look, and part of it is executive dysfunction.

I think once you let yourself go to that level, it’s very difficult to come back out of it - especially if it was never something she took an interest in to begin with, then it won’t even be on her radar.

I would keep trying regarding basic hygiene but I’d drop the rest. Maybe she does need to be told straight up about it - especially the teeth, as it has a knock on effect on so many other aspects of your health.

My mother has definitely had periods of lack of care but she has severe MI, we have to do everything for her.

Why are you fixated on sandals? Op mentioned that she wears the same shoes constantly. I mentioned that as well as other things.

It is often a sign of mental decline and dementia.

You said it's abnormal to wear sandals. That made me laugh. Yes, you mentioned other things, but you can't deny saying it's abnormal to wear sandals! I know that's not what you meant. I think. But as I say, it made me laugh.

I do not agree that its no-one elses business if they are taking you to a restaurant etc

Why not suggest a 'girlie' day out & take her for her nails done or a hair appointment. Tell her you'll be going to lunch so she needs to look smart. Treat her to a set of bath bombs or shower gels or a new lipstick so she can pamper herself for your day out. Tell her you've noticed she's not changing her clothes as often as she used to & ask if he wants to go clothes shopping. It could be she's in a rut & not prioritising herself & needs a little nudge. You could now & again buy her a manicure set or a nice shampoo or buy her a hair claw grip & compliment her on how good she looks with her hair washed & clipped up or how nice her nails look. Sometimes it becomes a chore to older people to get themselves smartened up as they have no where to go & it becomes habit of getting up in the mornings & just not making any effort.

As a nurse for over forty years I would suggest cognitive decline ie early dementia or depression