AIBU to feel embarrassed by my mum's lack of self care?

[Anonladyx]

I’m a 28-years old, and I feel really guilty even writing this because I absolutely adore my mum. She means the world to me, and I know this probably makes me sound awful, but I’m becoming increasingly embarrassed by the way she presents herself.

My mum is 66, and I completely understand that looking glamorous or putting loads of effort into your appearance might not be a priority at her age. I’m not expecting her to dress up or look a certain way — I just wish she would make a little bit of effort to look clean and put together.

For example, she’ll go out without brushing her hair, so it can genuinely look like a bird’s nest. She rarely gets it cut, and I’ve even shown her how much neater it looks when I put it up in a simple claw clip for her, but she refuses.

Her personal hygiene also isn’t great. She rarely showers unless she’s going somewhere like a restaurant for dinner. Her dental hygiene is another concern; she’s been a heavy smoker since her twenties and unfortunately has very few teeth left now.

She’ll also wear the same clothes day after day, and regardless of the weather, she seems determined to wear the same pair of Skechers sandals. What makes it more frustrating is that she isn’t struggling financially. She has money, but would rather spend it on scratch cards or random things for her flat than on clothes, hair appointments, etc.

The difficult part is that I genuinely don’t know how to approach the subject. I know she would take it extremely personally if I told her that I was embarrassed by the way she looks or that I thought she needed to take better care of herself. I would never want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like I don’t accept her as she is.

I think part of why I find it particularly difficult is because I’m the complete opposite. I take a lot of pride in my appearance and genuinely enjoy looking after myself, and my sisters are the same. We all make an effort with our hair, clothes, hygiene, etc., so I suppose the contrast feels even more noticeable to me.

I’m also getting to the point where I feel embarrassed about my boyfriend meeting her, and I feel absolutely horrible admitting that. It’s not because I’m ashamed of her as a person — I love her more than anything. I just find it difficult seeing someone I love seemingly not care about themselves at all, she will complain that she looks a ‘mess’ but never does anything to improve it.

I know this probably sounds horrible, and I’m not trying to judge her or say that she needs to look a certain way. I think I just needed somewhere to have a rant and get it off my chest, because I genuinely don’t know what the right thing to do is. Sorry this is a long one😢

Behaviour like that could suggest depression or even cognitive issues. Has she always been like this or is it a fairly recent development?

Yanbu, you sound like you love her

But she sounds poorly imo x

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think that while the OP is probably reasonably well intentioned that I find her attitude pretty patronising, judgemental and superior. She is clearly embarrassed by her mum. She says her mum has never been that interested in her appearance, so this is not a huge personality change suggesting dementia or depression. People are, allowed to have different standards and ideas of what is important without being chastised or criticised.

I am 62 and while I do get regular haircuts (mostly because I prefer short easy to look after hair) I'm fairly lax about my general appearance these days, never wear make up, seldom wear a bra, only ever wear comfy clothes and shoes. I also don't shower more than a couple of times a week at most, as I find a daily wash keeps me acceptably clean and unsmelly. I also wear clothes (other than socks and underwear) for a few days at a time, because if they don't smell and aren't dirty/stained, why are you washing them daily? I find all of this quite liberating and am enjoying this giving few fucks stage of my life.

I think moden society is obsessed by a standard of cleanliness that is way over the top and unnecessary. I do however draw the line at always having good dental hygiene, but if the OP's mum has few teeth left then that ship has probably already sailed.

If either of my DDs were to start giving me their opinions on how I lead my life I'd be royally pissed off and would tell them to fuck right off and mind their own business!

Im your mum’s age and I find a lot of personal care beyond tedious. Washing my hair in particular. I do it because I hate the smell of unwashed hair! I’d start by getting her to the dentist and then the hairdresser for a shorter haircut. Once her teeth are sorted out and she’s got a hairstyle that’s easy to manage, she may find other things easier.

I pretty much never wear a bra at home, I find them so uncomfortable.

During winter if I'm going out somewhere and I know I won't need to take my jacket off I don't wear one either because no one can see my nipples through a thick coat!

Have you or could you tactfully discussed your concerns with your DM in any way?
Have you asked her how she is feeling atm?

I would hear your DM's style.
Does she prefer showers or baths?

She likes comfortable clothing and shoes that are easy to put on and cool.
Stay with her for a night or two and learn her favourite brands and size.
Brush her hair with conditioner while you are watching TV. Ask if she would like you to trim five inches off her hair. Leave the brush there.
Only give her gifts of ..
hair products, towel and bath soaks.
her favourite sandals in dark colours, woollen socks the same colour.
cardigans
puffer jackets
her favourite trousers

Outings ...
casual cafe lunches and coffee
to try out favourite perfume
to hair cut
to dental check up
to massage

Make sure she has more items to encourage changing clothes more often.
Preen her more and compliment.

The only actual advice I would give is to say that her breath smells like she needs a dental check and that only a daughter can give you this intimate advice.

Encourage GP check up each year.
Praise her skin and offer her your tinted sunscreen when out walking.

I find people like your mother are a total breath of fresh air. Would you enjoy her company more if you were out doors walking the fields and beaches?
Would you and your bf have a nicer time out working in her garden together?

I think you’re right to be concerned about her hygiene op. Does she have issues with body odour?

I do think some of what you say goes too far though. ‘Looking glamourous’ is not a priority for many women regardless of age. Not getting regular haircuts is also not an issue.

I thought it could be the start of dementia too

Lack of showering stood out to me and the same shoes whatever the weather.

Really? I thought it was the appropriate term. When my DCs were at university they referred to the bags of such products from boots and food from Tesco as mum's care package. Didn't realise it heralded carers imminent arrival!

Just on the autism point, I have lots of autistic family members who all visit a dental hygienist and a dentist every 6 months. They floss and water pick. They have great teeth. They also shower every day.

If she is losing teeth she might well have gum disease. Her teeth must hurt - it must be hard to chew stuff. She sounds like she'd be down for four hours with a dental hygienist where they do a quadrant per hour - obviously spaced out appointments while they clean off tartar and then a dentist assessing what can be done for the remaining teeth. Gum disease can have all sorts of systemic effects. I mean has she ever gone to the dentist? Her breath must smell really bad.

I'm thinking we're well past the point of tinted sunscreen! Nor is perfume going to hide the smell of an unwashed body and rotting teeth.

I am 62 and do care about my appearance. My hair is coloured and deep conditioned on a regular basis. My eyebrows are groomed. I have all my teeth. I do wear make up. I do keep my wardrobe current - buying a few new pieces a season and ruthlessly relegating clothes that no longer flatter me or are outdated to a local charity shop. I get clothes tailored and adjust hems so things fit. I definitely wear a bra - if it's fitted properly I think it's a lot more comfortable than everything jiggling around.

Now it sounds like your mother was not a clothes and makeup person ever but this seems to be a new level of neglect. I understand how you feel. I don't think you want your mother to look glamorous but simply clean and tidy. I would be embarrassed too about introducing my mother looking like that and I'm not enough of a hypocrite to pretend otherwise. This has got nothing to do with whether you love her. Hopefully, your boyfriend is understanding about the situation because I think your mother is very unlikely to change .

How on earth does it sound like autism?

They are very common signs that a person is depressed.
They are possibly signs of dementia.
But to imply that this is typical of autistic people is not true.

Are you sure this is age-related? She might be depressed.

I think I could choose one thing and chat to her about it sensitively. You could ask if she’d be interested in wearing dentures and offer to support her with the appointments. Go for the things that would improve her quality of life. It must be really hard eating with few teeth. Agree with PPs on there being a deeper issue though such as depression.

Best reply so far

Well, very few people smoke nowadays and as she is still a heavy smoker, if I understand correctly, it could point to something like adhd, I don’t know about autism, as nicotine is something that gives the desired stimulant -to smoke until your teeth have gone is extreme.
I wonder if the GP would do a general health check and tests . Especially if she’s smoked all these years they might be willing,
She could be pointed to vapes as a better option.
I have a friend who doesn’t always shower -seems mad to me - I love my morning shower, but we are older than your mother and I think friend is saving money.

Also could you siblings put a united front on tbis

I always think teeth are the main thing . If a person loses teeth particularly a woman and doesn’t do anything about it they have given up . It may be your mum is isolated in retirement and if she doesn’t see people regularly she doesn’t see the need to keep herself up together . My mum is 81 and she doesn’t wash her hair as much as she should because of her arthritic hands maybe your mum has reasons . I do think you should address this head on though , it’s one thing not being interested in makeup etc but keeping clean is a basic .

Your mother is not a great age so her behaviour cannot be accounted fo4 by age.

For me, my friends and their enthusiasm for fitness, self improvement and clothing means that we support each other to take pride in our appearance etc.

This month I m having my eyebrows done ( nano). I have recently stopped wearing a brace and am now whitening my teeth, I will have an implant for a lost tooth due to shocking 70s dentistry.

I think that enthusiasm for life is critical. Diet plays a huge role to ensure the correct nutrients eg lots of different vegetables, pulses, fruit, nuts, seeds, fish etc. What does you4 mum eat?

Also exercise is key - at least 3 or 4 times per week. Maybe take her swimming?

Bright yellow teeth in all official photographs. A colostomy bag and according to Sara Cox, a smell of wee. And HM the Queen adored her mum and did not seem embarrassed of her at all.

Well the queen mum had a group of sycophants around her seldom the general public

I think this poster nails it. My mum is in her seventies now. She’s never been interested in her appearance but she’s always clean - she has a shower in the morning, wear fresh clothes everyday, brushes her hair.

That's fabulous for you, but it doesn't change the fact that many ND people don't manage these things, for a variety of reasons. Not every ND person is like you, or like OP's mum. I don't think PP was being unkind.

Buying scratch cards is concerning along with the other issues, may be worth exploring what she would do with a win. Does she want to change but thinks she needs more money to do so? It may offer a less direct way of exploring how she is feeling and whether she wants to make changes.

I know you said she has never been interested in fashion or make up but I would still be a bit concerned.

How would she respond if you literally passed her the hair brush and said, Do you want to brush your hair? or if you go out, could you say, Why don’t you change your shoes/put that nice top on? Or offer to take her shopping for a new coat.

I would definitely ask if she wants an appointment with the dentist or a check up at the doctor’s and go with her to make it easier for her. I just had a course of B12 injections with the nurse at the gp surgery and there were loads of people there going in and out. It only takes a few minutes.

Is she managing things around the house eg washing clothes, cooking, changing the sheets? Is she eating? Could you offer to do it for her or together?

I have been through this with a family member so know the alarm bells but they were much older than your mum.