AIBU to feel embarrassed by my mum's lack of self care?

[Anonladyx]

I’m a 28-years old, and I feel really guilty even writing this because I absolutely adore my mum. She means the world to me, and I know this probably makes me sound awful, but I’m becoming increasingly embarrassed by the way she presents herself.

My mum is 66, and I completely understand that looking glamorous or putting loads of effort into your appearance might not be a priority at her age. I’m not expecting her to dress up or look a certain way — I just wish she would make a little bit of effort to look clean and put together.

For example, she’ll go out without brushing her hair, so it can genuinely look like a bird’s nest. She rarely gets it cut, and I’ve even shown her how much neater it looks when I put it up in a simple claw clip for her, but she refuses.

Her personal hygiene also isn’t great. She rarely showers unless she’s going somewhere like a restaurant for dinner. Her dental hygiene is another concern; she’s been a heavy smoker since her twenties and unfortunately has very few teeth left now.

She’ll also wear the same clothes day after day, and regardless of the weather, she seems determined to wear the same pair of Skechers sandals. What makes it more frustrating is that she isn’t struggling financially. She has money, but would rather spend it on scratch cards or random things for her flat than on clothes, hair appointments, etc.

The difficult part is that I genuinely don’t know how to approach the subject. I know she would take it extremely personally if I told her that I was embarrassed by the way she looks or that I thought she needed to take better care of herself. I would never want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like I don’t accept her as she is.

I think part of why I find it particularly difficult is because I’m the complete opposite. I take a lot of pride in my appearance and genuinely enjoy looking after myself, and my sisters are the same. We all make an effort with our hair, clothes, hygiene, etc., so I suppose the contrast feels even more noticeable to me.

I’m also getting to the point where I feel embarrassed about my boyfriend meeting her, and I feel absolutely horrible admitting that. It’s not because I’m ashamed of her as a person — I love her more than anything. I just find it difficult seeing someone I love seemingly not care about themselves at all, she will complain that she looks a ‘mess’ but never does anything to improve it.

I know this probably sounds horrible, and I’m not trying to judge her or say that she needs to look a certain way. I think I just needed somewhere to have a rant and get it off my chest, because I genuinely don’t know what the right thing to do is. Sorry this is a long one😢

I work with people with autism and yes these all sound like common sensory issues linked to autism. Not washing, not teeth brushing, wearing the same clothes, can be all sensory.

Can you be honest and kind at the same time?

Trust me, there’s definitely more than one!

66 is a bit young to get like this so you need to investigate. Sadly once women get to a certain age they might leak a bit. However there should be an awareness of this.

I think a direct approach is best - "Mum, I want to bring Mike to meet you but can you spruce up a bit for the occasion, please."
Don't let it go because it will come between you, and it sounds like you have a lovely relationship otherwise.
I think it is natural that you are embarrassed and if there isn't a medical reason I think she just needs to hear the unvarnished truth from someone who loves her.

Haven’t read the full thread but it sounds like she’s reached the stage whereby she needs carers or a carer? Maybe just once per day to help her with these tasks?

I beg your fucking pardon? No it categorically does NOT sound like autism whatsoever! What an appalling statement to make

I think we have the same mum! Same age and I could have written what you did word for word 😅 no advice but you have my solidarity

I think there ways to separate this. Not caring about your appearance and personal hygiene are two separate issues. I’m having this exact issue with my teenager. (Though obviously a different dynamic than your situation) my daughter doesn’t like skin care make up never has she likes T-shirts and jeans. I not only accept that but I embrace it, this is who she wants to be and is completely comfortable in her own skin- love this about her! But, she won’t brush her hair she looked at me like an alien when I suggested she took a brush to school. I have to really be insistent that she washes her hair and takes showers, pester her to clean her teeth. These to me are absolutely non negotiables. She can look however she likes but she can’t be dirty. Now I know that doesn’t really help with your dynamic. But in my mind I do think you have two separate issues as long as her clothes are clean surely she can wear what makes her feel comfortable even if it’s not to your taste- I think you have to change your mindset on that the judgement is coming from you and sadly the human race judges women by their appearance rather than who they are and that’s completely wrong. Her worth isn’t measured by her waist line. The hygiene element however is something you might need to consider talking with her. I know that conversation might be incredibly difficult, but it is linked to her health.

it reminds me of the poem about when I’m older I’m going to wear purple and then the poem goes on about how old age is freeing because that constant judgement about how to look how to be has gone and she’s dreaming of a day when she can just be her.

Well bless your heart, I'm autistic and in spite of sensory issues and fragile skin, I make sure to shower, brush teeth and keep tidy, laundry and all. Kindness, please!

I feel you are maybe conflating one issue and one non-issue. Messy hair, no interest in clothes etc- all fine. Low hygiene and lack of dental care- not fine. I also wondered about depression or mental decline.

I'm 46 and I don't wear makeup and I don't care much about my apparence. But just like you I find personal hygiene extremely important and I do want to look "clean and proper".
@Anonladyx There must be something very wrong with your mother in order for her to be so oblivious to basic hygiene. I don't want to scare you but my mum got dementia in her fifties and doctors first thought it was a depression. Not until I went in to a meeting with her and told them they were wrong- my mother wasn't depressed at all- she was completely lost and her personality had changed radically- did they start relevant testing. Can you go to the gp with her and talk about your concerns? How is her housekeeping/ eating/ cognitive skills and memory?

I do understand being embarrased introducing people to your parents. I think I'm very different to my parents, and I've always been worried people will judge me based on how they act. But over time, I've come to realise anyone who already knows me is unlikely to change their opinion based on meeting my parents. If it makes things easier, you could give your partner a heads up that your mum is struggling or is quite different from you.

I felt the same about my Mum. No advice but just wanted to say that me and my sibling felt the same as you. Mine got even worse and got smelly as well. It’s sad really because no one really wants to hug a Mum that looks and smells dreadful do they? I don’t know if you’ll get a bit of grief in here but there’s a big difference between someone being glamorous and looking like they’ve been dragged through a hedge / dirty.

My mum went through a really bad phase of having very strong BO when I was around your age and she would have been mid fifties. I don't know why but I felt too embarrassed to raise it with her. I'm sorry to say that her boss had to speak to her about it and mum was absolutely mortified and dreadfully upset. I in turn felt awful that I haddn't plucked up the courage to tell her. Please try to find a way of speaking with her - it's awful if someone else does.

I’m nearing 60 and I’ve also stopped worrying what I look like. I probably haven’t gone to the same lengths as your mum but I can definitely see how someone would. It’s quite amazing when you get to this age how few shits you actually give about appearance.

Only wearing limited clothing and personal hygiene issues points to potential mental health issues. Not liking haircuts or makeup isn’t really a problem if she was clean

She's only 66. That's no age . Im 62xand seriously ill. Im not allowed to shower because I have a medical implant but I do bathe as I can get the bottom half wet but not the top. I have some body wipes,like baby wipes but huge which I use when bathing is too much. Im hoping I don't smell.

Could your mum have something wrong with her, that shes not told you about? Chronic illness takes it out of you and things just become so much effort.

I have a brother like this. I've come to accept it - he is who he is.

This is self neglect and could be a sign of something serious like dementia or depression - would she let you go to her GP with her to discuss everything ?

Has she been in any romantic relationships that you are old enough to remember? Was she with your dad for a long time? What was she like then? Did she stop caring once she became single or has she always been like this? What's she like with household chores like cleaning and tidying?

I am your Mom's age and my adult children would very quickly tell me if l wasn't clean or wearing clean clothes. And we all get on great.
So l would be very direct saying why are you letting yourself go? What's happening here? If you are all going out together l would insist she dresses up..maybe say Mom you pop in the shower and l am going to get out that nice top l bought you that you never wear. We are dressing up today. Come straight out.
Could you do a load of laundry when you call home just in case she is beginning dementia and is lacking capacity to do these things now.
Is she keeping the house clean? Is she cooking for herself? If she has dropped all these too l would be talking to her about seeing her GP.

My mum has zero interst in her appearance but she showers, keeps her hair tidy, wears clean clothes.

Id be questioning why she isnt managing basic hygiene

I think you have to be blunt. Tell her she isnt showering enough and needs to wash her clothes more.

Could you approach it instead did being about her appearance but make it about her health? Eg dental hygiene is important because of the connection to heart disease, washing and keeping clean risks skin infections and sepsis.

What do your sisters think? Can you all put together and buy a lovely care package to get her started, and feel special and cared for, doesn't have to be expensive , boots and m&s have nice toiletries, shampoo, hair treatment, new towels, a couple of simple outfits that mix and match and she doesn't have to think about what goes with what.

Next have a range of multi packs called The Set, everything goes with the whole range.
https://www.next.co.uk/shop/womens/f/brand-theset?p=1#0

I am 63, never really wore make up or fussed about my appearance. And to be honest I shower less than I used to and I will often wear clothes two days running (not underwear) as I discovered one side effect of getting older is that I sweat less than I did.

However, what you describe is more than that. You seem to be describing a lack of self care, rather than me making conscious decisions.

As others have said, it may be mental health issues or the start of dementia. Or it could be brain fog caused by the side effects of medication.

It could be that she is finding some tasks more difficult - maybe there is a physical problem she is hiding? We have a shower over the bath, and part of why I skip a shower some mornings if I am not going out is that some days my knee hurts and I don't want to clamber in and out of a wet bath, and possibly slip. We have discussed taking out the bath and having just a shower, we just haven't got round to doing it.

I agree with other comments that the next time she complains she looks a mess, deal with it head on. Say, "well, yes, you do a bit" and go from there.