Is it unreasonable to get a present for a sibling when it's their brother/sisters birthday?

[Cherrytree696]

So before I start I just want to say my mother in law is a perfectly nice lady. We aren't super close but as far as they go she is fine.

I'm curious to know if my husband is being unreasonable or not.

We are just about to celebrate my youngest child's first birthday and it has been mentioned by my in laws that a present will be coming for my daughter and my son (not just my daughter who is celebrating her birthday). My husband has requested that they do not do this as he feels that birthdays should be about the person whose birthday it is and he wants our son to understand that and vice versa when it is his birthday he would like to teach that to our daughter. My husband can be quite weird about presents and would prefer the children didn't get much valuing experiences over physical gifts etc ...

However my mother in law is absolutely adamant that she is going to be getting them both a present. I don't understand either of them and I can see both sides really... And I can see that both are being entirely unreasonable.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I am personally staying out of it.

Absolutely team husband. A sibling doesn’t need a present on the other siblings birthday. They’ll come to expect it.

I had a relative who always brought a little gift for the siblings so they didnt feel left out. I thought it was quite nice. Your husband though is risking your children becoming divas. "Im the special one today" kind of thing.

I always buy a small present for the sibling, and a big pile of presents for the birthday child, when it’s DGC’s birthday.

I can’t see why your DH objects - it’s no skin off his nose!

Children are not born understanding everything imo, and it can years for them to understand some concepts, otherwise childhood and adolescence wouldn’t take 18 years.

For instance, it’s about age 13 that children truly understand what the word “promise” means - it’s a moral obligation.

This kind of shit is why we have a generation of kids that have no resilience and can’t cope with the word NO … honestly it’s lazy arse parenting at its finest

Or we have houses like mine where we are all super easy going and the kids often wanted their sibling to help them open pressies and if they got a little present great but if they didn’t it was fine too. I don’t remember any issues either way

Same here! Just a little present from granny who doesn’t see the grandkids much

@BananaPeelshelping a sibling open presents is different from being give their own gifts.
imagine never being able to celebrate your own birthday because your parents could not be arsed to parent the siblings emotions.
it’s completely ridiculous and why so many people have disrespectful brats

As long as you treat both children the same in this regard either way is fine, although tbh I definitely agree with your husband - a birthday is the one day a year that is only about the birthday child and not about having to share the spotlight - one single day out of 365 to be the centre of things and special. Each child has a birthday so it's perfectly fair, and perfectly normal and reasonable to be told today isn't about you, but your birthday is.

I'm the oldest and my parents gave my sibling a present on my birthday but didn't give me one on theirs, because I was "old enough to understand" and my sibling was (eternally) "only little"... When I pointed out, aged 7, that my sibling was now 5 and I remembered being 5 and being "old enough to understand" and therefore not getting a present on sibling's birthday when I was 5, I was told I was ungrateful and my father suggested that if I didn't "buck my ideas up" all my presents from grandparents and my friends would also be given to my sibling. This did not endear my sibling to me. Surprisingly. So don't do that (obviously,)!

I’ve never understood why people do this. The only person who should be getting a present is the birthday girl/boy. I remember when I was young (40 years ago) my friend’s family did this and thought I it was wrong

I have said earlier my mum gave little gifts to the others when it was other child’s birthday. This was such unremarkable thing to have happened that I had to think back hard if that had occurred. Birthdays in our house were a lot of fun and if the other child had got a large gift on the others birthday I can’t imagine the other child would have thought anything other than ‘great - another toy to play with’. After pressies were opened the kids always played with them together anyway

@SchrodingersGuinepig Twins never get to be the special child for one day of the year, and mine certainly didn’t get to play with their own presents, never mind the other one’s too!

A speech therapist came to assess DD1’s pretend play. She commented to me:

”DD1 doesn’t know how to play with her toys at all!”

I told her, that’s because she never gets chance!! The minute she picks a toy up, DD2 snatches it off her, and a big fight ensues; and vice versa!”

DD1 in particular used to snatch DD2’s toy and run round the house with it, laughing. DD2 looked like Rumplestiltskin in a rage, all red in the face and pushed her down the stairs! DD1 just got up, still laughing!

(I already had DS, when I had twin DDs, and anyone who thinks it’s the way to cope with twins, by never saying no to them, is totally deluded. It’s routine all the way!)

I have two twelve months and one day apart and another child and always made sure they had everything separate and including birthday parties, their own things, their own individual hobbies, their own individual playdates. Yes, obviously it's extra work. I was a bit bloody minded about it partly because I felt that as a child my birthday was shared with my sibling (my parties also always had to be appropriate for my sibling and sibling always had a friend invited to my party if I had one) whereas my sibling's birthday and party was completely theirs. I didn't want my children to feel they were always bit players/ not even special one day per year.

I know twins are always the gotcha, but I don't think the situations you described with never getting to play with their own presents need to occur even with twins. I usually had to work hard to keep the youngest from taking things belonging to the older ones, from disrupting games or breaking lego or puzzles or Playmobil or drawing or whatever. That's normal - letting siblings grab each other's belongings isn't inevitable, it's just hard, relentless work preventing, distracting and removing for a few years.

Certainly I made a point of never forcing a child to share specifically because of my own experience that this usually creates resentful people pleasers who can't say no rather than generous individuals who choose to share. It's worked out well as my kids have grown up.

You could give twins separate celebrations if you wanted, either one the weekend before and one the weekend after, or consecutive days. There are no rules.

Birthdays in our house were a lot of fun and if the other child had got a large gift on the others birthday I can’t imagine the other child would have thought anything other than ‘great - another toy to play with’. After pressies were opened the kids always played with them together anyway

@BananaPeels - very well put and exactly the same in our house. There was never any doubt about whose birthday it was and who was the focus.

I am with your husband on this. I have never understood why siblings should get a present on the other child's birthday. It isn't their special day, ruins it a bit in my opinion. We have never done this. They had fun picking a gift for the birthday kid and taking part in any celebration or outing planned. That's it. You probably can't prevent your in-laws from doing this, but I wouldn't be happy either.