Is it unreasonable to get a present for a sibling when it's their brother/sisters birthday?

[Cherrytree696]

So before I start I just want to say my mother in law is a perfectly nice lady. We aren't super close but as far as they go she is fine.

I'm curious to know if my husband is being unreasonable or not.

We are just about to celebrate my youngest child's first birthday and it has been mentioned by my in laws that a present will be coming for my daughter and my son (not just my daughter who is celebrating her birthday). My husband has requested that they do not do this as he feels that birthdays should be about the person whose birthday it is and he wants our son to understand that and vice versa when it is his birthday he would like to teach that to our daughter. My husband can be quite weird about presents and would prefer the children didn't get much valuing experiences over physical gifts etc ...

However my mother in law is absolutely adamant that she is going to be getting them both a present. I don't understand either of them and I can see both sides really... And I can see that both are being entirely unreasonable.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I am personally staying out of it.

Meeeh let it go, as long as its not a massive gift and just a small thing its fine. Lots of people do it.

Or you could teach them the presents aren't there's and to leave alone

I'm not attacking my MIL. And my husband is her son - she raised him.

My grandparents did this when I was a child. It’s fine. It’s nice to get a little present. It’s still pretty clear whose birthday it is. I don’t think it damaged me or made me a brat 😂

I’m quite firmly on your husband’s side here. Children naturally have the perspective that the world essentially revolves around them and it’s our job as parents to gradually introduce the reality that this isn’t the case. Birthdays are a great time to teach them this. It’s an opportunity for them to see another person other than themselves be celebrated. I think it’s a great opportunity to help them grow a generous nature too - I try and get mine excited for the act of giving and getting enjoyment from seeing someone else’s joy.

No I don't agree with gifts for the siblings of the birthday child. Sends the wrong message to me.

My MIL always bought the non-birthday kids a book. And she buys me a book on each of my kids birthday.

Her mother started it with her and her siblings as it got them reading more books.

Does your DH have siblings? Does his dislike of it stem from his own childhood?

I don't think you should buy presents for the other children. I'm in my 50s- this was never fone when I was younger. Your mother in law should respect your wishes. It's best if u and husband sing from tgh same hymn sheet

I think it’s up to her who she gives a present to and when. Perhaps don’t give your dd the present when DS is opening his birthday presents but otherwise I think it’s her MIL’s choice.

I did buy little presents (like colouring pens or something) for the non birthday child when my youngest was very small.

It’s definitely something some families do. My kids always get a little something for each other’s birthday, I don’t know why but my parents always did it, my brothers and I even got a little present on mum or dad’s birthday! It’s just a little way of celebrating each other I suppose.

Don't think it's a big deal in the grand scheme of things, I'd be more concerned she is directly going against your husband though in doing it which could be an issue later down the line.
Does he really care that much? If yes, then should do as he is asking..

Seems to happen more and more

I replied on your other thread

Who are the parents ?

You and dh

so support him

tell mil to butt out

and fwiw

no NEVER give a prevent to the child whose birthday it isn’t

they have their birthday

they do not need presents on their siblings birthday

Silly cow mil. Agree with your husband. He's the parent also not her. Why are so many people not able to stand up to their in-laws unless this is a joke thread

Never heard of anything so ridicolous. No wonder there are so many spoilt brats around. Children have to learn that they will have a birthday too.
Who needs all these presents anyway?

I do that. My nieces were close in age so when when they 2 and 3 eg, the birthday girl got a ‘proper’ birthday gift and the other one got a little something wrapped up too to try to stop any tears!!

100% with your DH on this. A birthday is a special day and a good way to learn that you are not always the centre of attention. My MIL (who is lovely) also tried this but I told her no. Bizarrely she never ever would have done this or expected anyone to do this for my DH or his siblings. She also tried to do a separate stocking from Santa that she claimed he’d delivered to her house before Xmas so she could bring it on the train to give to my DD. That was also knocked on the head. I’ve no problem with random presents but no to consolation presents for the non-birthday child.

I absolutely wouldn't get a present for the non-birthday sibling. However I wouldn't get too worked up about what grandparents do. I'm of the view it's ok for grandparents to spoil them a bit. My PIL tend to buy gifts at random times just because we are visiting and don't always get birthday/Christmas presents. My DP always buy for birthdays/Christmas and rarely in between. It doesn't seem to cause any issue.

However at the end of the day I do think parents should get final say in raising kids, so I think your MIL should listen to DH on this if you don't have a strong opinion.

Funny how the son is getting a present on the daughter's birthday but the daughter didn't on the son's. Be very very careful that this isn't just out and out sexism and favoritism.

Now that is an excellent idea. 😁

I'm with your husband. My mum did this initially for my kids and their birthdays are only a week apart! When they were tiny it didn't bother me, but when they were a little older I asked her to stop. One kid doesn't need to be compensated because it's the special day for another child. I didn't want them to grow up begrudging other's special events because they weren't being celebrated too. Instead we started an early habit of them buying presents for each other, so they could get into the habit of thinking of that other person, what they would like, etc. It's at best unnecessary and at worst teaches them that they can't celebrate something special happing to the other. They need to learn to be happy for each other, not that everything will always be made equal (because life is not like that!).

My ExMil always bought a small token gift for the non birthday DC when they we were little. It phased out after 3-4 years. We just let her carry on.

My grandma used to get my brother and me a token present when it was the other's birthday.

No one else did and its not something I did when my children were born.

I can understnad wanting to keep it a special day for the birthday child but occasional deviations and traditions that are upheld by one person or one side of the family are always quite nice, I think.

As long as things aren't actually harmful, little traditions are quite nice.

Team husband.

By giving the non birthday siblings gifts, you're demeaning the Birthday, its not special if EVERYONE gets a gift! Kids need to understand that their birthdays is when they get birthday gifts, not other peoples birthdays... 🙄

We always did this with my kids when they were really little, pre-school kind of age up to about maybe 5 or 6. Something really small, as at that age it's more about having something to hold/unwrap as it is the actual value of the gift.

It was always perfectly clear and understood whose birthday it was, birthday child always had several and bigger presents, as well as cards, badge, being sung happy birthday to, blowing out the candles on their cake etc, lots of traditions that aren't about gifts. All that giving the siblings a little something changed was it stopped the present opening bit from being ruined for the birthday child by their toddler sibling having a huge tantrum and having to be carried off/taught /told off about jealousy and how it's not nice to scream/hit/snatch your sibling's things, and/or the whole thing delayed until they'd been seen to and calmed down, which to me is a lot more annoying on your birthday than your sibling being given a little plastic car wrapped in 20 layers of paper pass the parcel style and costing 50p or something, but that keeps them happy while adults focus all their attention on you?

The fact that I can't even remember when we stopped doing it shows it wasn't a big deal, they grew out of needing it of their own accords and ended up loving their siblings birthdays and being really happy and excited to give one another gifts and see their sibling open their presents with no expectation at all of getting anything themselves, which I think shows using a tiny bit of well timed bribery doesn't have to ruin your child for life. They very rarely got presents at other occasions though, certainly not the Easter/Valentine's Day/Halloween/start of school/end of school/any other occasion for gifts that some children do seem to have nowadays. But if you are the kind of parent who gives lots of gifts all the time anyway (or their grandparents are) then I doubt it makes a huge difference one more on a siblings birthday?

Would be a no from me, kids need to learn not everything is about them and on a siblings birthday they don’t get a present

I think a token gift for the sibling(s) is fine. My mum does this - just something little like chocolates or a book, but it's always appreciated by the birthday siblings.

You can absolutely go overboard with these things but a little token from granny isn't an issue imo.