Is it unreasonable to get a present for a sibling when it's their brother/sisters birthday?

[Cherrytree696]

So before I start I just want to say my mother in law is a perfectly nice lady. We aren't super close but as far as they go she is fine.

I'm curious to know if my husband is being unreasonable or not.

We are just about to celebrate my youngest child's first birthday and it has been mentioned by my in laws that a present will be coming for my daughter and my son (not just my daughter who is celebrating her birthday). My husband has requested that they do not do this as he feels that birthdays should be about the person whose birthday it is and he wants our son to understand that and vice versa when it is his birthday he would like to teach that to our daughter. My husband can be quite weird about presents and would prefer the children didn't get much valuing experiences over physical gifts etc ...

However my mother in law is absolutely adamant that she is going to be getting them both a present. I don't understand either of them and I can see both sides really... And I can see that both are being entirely unreasonable.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I am personally staying out of it.

It’s been a tradition in our family for several generations that the non-birthday child gets a smaller gift or two. They don’t get this on adults’ birthdays and it was not done to “stop them being jealous”, it’s just a nice tradition. Nobody has grown up to be a “brat” or “entitled” as one poster suggested. 🙄 Both of my children love birthdays and take great pleasure in choosing their own gift for the other one’s birthday so it’s certainly not detracting in any way from the birthday child.

Surely it’s up to your MIL what she decides to give people as gifts. Why is your husband trying to dictate this to her?

It seems very odd to me. In all my many decades I’ve never come across it. I feel that it’s a good life lesson for everyone to learn - that it’s not always their turn to receive gifts, and that sometimes its nice just to focus on someone else ie the birthday boy / girl.

Why does it matter if she does or doesn’t . Can’t you just let her enjoy buying and giving her DGC a gift ?

We had this! Family members insisting on doing double gifts for our kids birthdays despite me really not wanting them to. Now kids are older it’s still a problem as they insist on having same number, value etc of gifts from these relatives on each others birthdays. I find it horrible and think it’s not teaching them anything good about being happy for other people, waiting for your turn etc.

We do it as my mum always did. Just a small thing.

Completely agree and with my MIL we’ve escalated over the years to the latter and it’s a big problem.

My brother and I got little presents on each others birthday, I liked it :-)

Depends on age … are they old enough to understand why sibling is the old one getting presents?

My brother was born the day before my birthday so we always had to share parties and cakes. My sons managed to actually share a birthday so their sister didn't get to muscle in on it as well. Presents on your own birthday only, not your sibling's.

We used to get presents on our siblings birthday when we were primary school age.
The sibling with the birthday got more/bigger presents but the other got a token present.
I have fond memories of it, I don't think it's a big issue. Certainly not worth falling out over.

I’ve never heard of this tradition, I wonder if it’s a regional thing?

I have to say, if anyone suggested it to me, my first thought (and second thought) is that no, nobody should be taught that they need compensating for someone else’s special day. Instead, you build up the pleasure with the sibling of choosing something lovely that you know the birthday child will really appreciate, keeping a special secret (the good kind of secret!) and then finding joy in seeing someone else’s delight in what they’re receiving. Then you all get cake and party food and Prosecco so nobody really misses out- unless they think that if the day doesn’t revolve around them, it can’t be a good day. And that would be sad for everyone they know!

I think it’s important for children to learn that sometimes the attention and celebration belong to someone else. I agree with your DH and find your MIL being adamant and not respecting the parent’s wish irritating.

@Holdinguphalfthesky It isn't a tradition, it's something some families choose to do to help a sibling feel less left out when they are too young to handle big feelings.

My mother did this when I was a child and I have decided not to do it or let her do it with my own children. I would back your husband as he obviously has strong feelings and you don’t and with decisions like this it is best to be on the same page as each other as parents.

Mil buys a small gift for the non birthday child and I’ve never had an issue with it

yes it is the birthdays child’s special day but it’s nice for the birthday child to see their sibling have something to enjoy too. It’s not like they are getting equal gifts or anything

So difficult but at least you're staying out of it. Tbh I agree with your husband, I think kids need to learn it's not about them that day but their turn will come. One of my DBs was notoriously bratty in many ways (always nagging for things until he got what he wanted as one example) and he'd always kick off when it was someone else's birthday that it wasn't fair they got presents and not him, he'd want to blow the candles, get a gift, unwrap gifts and so on. Not fair if I got to go to a friend's party either.

Anyway, he had all sorts of problems at school and jobs, lots of conflict with authority in different forms, eventually with the police. Obv a massive slippery slope argument but I just want to ensure my DC are a bit more resilient around birthdays - today is not your day, we'll celebrate and be happy for the birthday kid but on your day, you do get to be centre of attention and have all the usual birthday things.

Exactly this 👏🏼 so much joy in planning and doing things for other people. And in birthday celebrations!

I can’t see how this is difficult, where her own husband is having to fend off MIL’s overweening demands affecting the whole family.
OP should not stay out of it at all, but stand as one with DH in order to (begin to) send the message to MIL that they, thank you very much, are the parents here and therefore make the rules.
OP says she’s not bothered about the child receiving a present or no, therefore now is a good time stand with DH, and commit to a policy of showing togetherness on family matters, because thus far her MIL is assuming OP has no opinions on any matters affecting her and DH (as she relates in her subsequent post).

MIL is taking it as read that she only has to bully her son in order to get her own way.
It’s hard to blame DH if he ever gives way under such a barrage, when he has no support from his wife on whatever matter is being discussed.
Once their double act is at last established, he’d be far more likely to have the confidence to tell his DM to keep her neb out of his family affairs, since at it stands, MIL is surely feeling emboldened by knowing OP isn’t going to raise a peep, and he himself may be feeling resentful that he always has to be the only parent with anything to say.
(Gawd knows, she may even be throwing this lack of common purpose in DH’s face, and that kind of stuff can be very harmful)

Not saying all this is OP’s fault, any more than it’s DH’s.
Of course it’s the interfering MIL, and she needs to be kept in her place by a close, united couple she’d be reluctant to bully.
Even if OP can’t yet bring herself to speak up, she ought to indicate to DH that she is in agreement with him, if she ever hopes to clip MIL’s wings.
[Be it noted! This isn't giving DH carte blanche; but the urgent issue at hand is OP’s frustration over MIL’s powers of persuasion.]

Love this. Wish I had thought of this!

How can you "see both sides really"?

Your MIL is being absolutely nuts. Do not allow it, it's completely ridiculous.

Always give a little something if the children are very young. It doesn't take away the spotlight from the b day child who will get plenty of presents. A small gift for the sibling isn't something that will make them entitled for life ffs. Not everyone will do this; my parents didn't but my gp did and it made us feel extra happy to receive a little gift even though it wasn't our birthday.

@Cherrytree696 Your dh sounds very unpleasant to his mum. He can't order people what to give and to whom. As far as he's concerned he can do what he wants. Us he rigid in other aspects in life as well?

I've never done this or known it be done among my immediate family and friends and must say I think it's a terrible idea. Why on earth can't children be taught from an early age that everyone has a birthday, that it's their special day with presents and a celebration and that other people will have those things on their birthdays? I'm a grandparent of young adult grandchildren now and am so glad that when our children were young the only child who got presents on the day or at a birthday party was the birthday girl or boy.

My brother in law used to do this and he did this because his Granddad used to do it.

my MIL was an only child, so when she went on to have just two boys very close together, her Dad used to buy both the boys gifts and so my brother in law carried that on when we had two boys, but then we had a third and it stopped.

so what I’m saying is, I think it’s unusual but I think it’s when there’s just two children/small family and there’s a sense of not leaving one out.

I didn’t massively approve but like the other posters, I didn’t massively care, there are worse things people could be doing and in the end, it never harmed my boys. However, what was funny was even the non birthday boy always found it a bit odd but happily lapped up the Lego!!

my BiL has since gone in to have two boys and I wouldn’t dream of wasting my money on su h nonsense. But the intention was always sweet

i did this for my three kids while they were young - unbirthday kids got one present each while birthday kid got several. It’s very had when you’re really young to not get anything while someone else gets lots.

I find it bizarre getting siblings presents, I’d find it so weird if this happened when I was younger. Kids need to learn how to deal with their emotions and your mil should respect her sons wishes and give the small present another time