Is it unreasonable to get a present for a sibling when it's their brother/sisters birthday?

[Cherrytree696]

So before I start I just want to say my mother in law is a perfectly nice lady. We aren't super close but as far as they go she is fine.

I'm curious to know if my husband is being unreasonable or not.

We are just about to celebrate my youngest child's first birthday and it has been mentioned by my in laws that a present will be coming for my daughter and my son (not just my daughter who is celebrating her birthday). My husband has requested that they do not do this as he feels that birthdays should be about the person whose birthday it is and he wants our son to understand that and vice versa when it is his birthday he would like to teach that to our daughter. My husband can be quite weird about presents and would prefer the children didn't get much valuing experiences over physical gifts etc ...

However my mother in law is absolutely adamant that she is going to be getting them both a present. I don't understand either of them and I can see both sides really... And I can see that both are being entirely unreasonable.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I am personally staying out of it.

I always got a little gift (£10-15) from my parents and grandad on my sister’s birthday and vice versa while we were in primary school. I think it’s a nice thing to do and would do it for my children too.

Mine got a “Big/Little Sister” present on the other one’s birthday. A small, wrapped gift which was given at the end of the day if they had let their sibling have the limelight and truly celebrated the day. Just one, not a big ticket item, but we never had an issue with jealousy over birthdays and I believe this helped.
You can’t control what others do and MIL is doing this out of love x lots of people would love to have family that care as much.

I wonder then how everyone of my generation and my children's generation survived just fine without sibling presents and party bags? 🤔 We also didn't get lots of presents on our birthdays, just one from parents and from each set of grandparents and if we were lucky one from an aunt. It wouldn't have entered anyone's head that the other children in the family should ever have presents when it wasn't their birthday.

God no. Why?

I think it’s pretty pitiful… a bit like medals for everyone on sports day. All you do is feed the sense of entitlement that some children have.

Hear, hear

It is not something I feel the need to do but I also dont see a problem of a sibling getting a present, why would a birthday person be the only to allowed to get a present? sure I would not buy a sibling a present but I see absolutely nothing wrong in that it needs to be stopped like it is a bad thing either

I think my siblings sometimes when i was a kid and I was happy for them

I am older and I remember getting a small present on my younger brother's birthday and he on mine.. Two years in a row I got Fuzzy Felt - a circus one year and a woodland the next I always knew it was his special day and he knew it was mine. It stopped when we reached 10.

I always planned to do it with my children but had twins so there was no need. But if I am buying for a new baby and there is an older child or children, I always buy them a little gift and a card saying congratulations on becoming a big brother/sister. A nice gesture, is a nice gesture.

Gosh no.

It’s a good thing for kids to learn and I would never tolerate siblings grabbing at presents.

MIL doesn’t get to go against the parents’ wishes.

It’s a problem because it’s going directly against the expressed wishes of your dh. I imagine he’s upset about your blatant lack of support too tbh.

I remember getting gifts or money for "becoming a big sister" but not on my siblings birthdays. This was never by my parents

I would suggest that:

Your MiL is allowed to buy gifts and treats BUT
It cannot be for someone else's birthday. Birthdays are special days for that person.

If she gives a special treat to one, she does it for the other I.E, a present that's not birthday wrapped to both.

This would be filling two of our home rules:

"Everyone has their special day"
"Nobody gets treated without the other being treated too"

It means both children get a small/equal value treat AND the birthday child is celebrated additionally too.

Maybe discuss with your husband what you want your home/family rules to be and then find a way to communicate that. Your in-laws can go against them but if you stay firm at all other times, the children and the adults will learn your values on the situation.

Why does he get to rule anything? and yes I would say exactly the same in reverse

how on earth do children getting presents, birthday or not create this much drama

My parents used to get my sister an “unbirthday” present on my birthday and I got one on her birthday, just small token things up until we were about ten. It wasn’t a huge deal and neither of us were slighted by it. I’d let it go.

Not necessary.
But your DH will need to prepare his kids to say - thank you.
Next year ask MIL to make sure it is a token gift or a chocolate frog etc.
It is ultimately gift givers decision.

I’d prefer she didn’t do that.

I still get my teens gifts on each others birthdays. I think it’s a lovely thing for your in-laws to do. It doesn’t spoil the joy for the birthday child and doesn’t create expectations. My two are and always have been lovely.

Nope I wouldn't like this i have 4. Any whinging a simple its not your birthday you can have xyz when its your birthday is enough.

No I have never done this or understood why people get into it. Do you then keep doing this forever?! A friend does this with her children and I always think it's bizarre when you see photos of the birthday child opening their presents and then a photo of the siblings with their gift too (one is secondary age and the other end of primary, so not little and unable to understand. The non birthday child gift is never that small either!).
Surely if your child whines that they aren't getting something you remind them they will have a birthday too and that is when they get to open presents.
I think the only thing we did was let the non birthday child help open the cards so they felt included that way.

Grandma here and no. I don’t do it .

My younger brother got a gift from my mother on my birthday when he was quite small and I remember being outraged because it was meant to be the one day when i was the centre of attention. I wouldn’t do this or allow it.

It is a sweet gesture. Honestly, what harm is there in a grandma spoiling her grandchildren a bit? It’s lovely .
It won’t turn your kids into entitled jerks.

Doesn’t mean it’s wrong for those who do

We didn’t routinely do this but my mum likely did this for this kids. Am I the only person whose kids never squabbled over stuff like this? When birthdays came around they happily shared the toys and if they other child got a little pressie as well it would have washed over the birthday child? I don’t remember any drama when my kids were small at all. No bratish behaviour at all that seems to have been discussed.

I'm on your DH's side, I wouldn't like it and the fact that she's ignored his wishes isn't good either.

Same here

this really isn’t that deep and causing such a drama is strange. The birthday child isn’t going to have their birthday ruined because Granny gave their siblings a little something and the siblings aren’t going to become raging egoists because they got a little gift on someone else birthday