Is it unreasonable to get a present for a sibling when it's their brother/sisters birthday?

[Cherrytree696]

So before I start I just want to say my mother in law is a perfectly nice lady. We aren't super close but as far as they go she is fine.

I'm curious to know if my husband is being unreasonable or not.

We are just about to celebrate my youngest child's first birthday and it has been mentioned by my in laws that a present will be coming for my daughter and my son (not just my daughter who is celebrating her birthday). My husband has requested that they do not do this as he feels that birthdays should be about the person whose birthday it is and he wants our son to understand that and vice versa when it is his birthday he would like to teach that to our daughter. My husband can be quite weird about presents and would prefer the children didn't get much valuing experiences over physical gifts etc ...

However my mother in law is absolutely adamant that she is going to be getting them both a present. I don't understand either of them and I can see both sides really... And I can see that both are being entirely unreasonable.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I am personally staying out of it.

Is she going to keep it up forever and do it for both? If not she shouldn't start. I wouldn't do this personally

My husband hates his birthday, thinks it’s pointless because his mum did this on his birthday. I feel so sorry that he had all those years of not feeling special in any way. We try to make up for it now though.

I have a really vague memory of getting a little something to open on my brother's birthday (and vice versa) but it must have just been when we were really small as we definitely didn't do it later on.

Seems fine to me if it's mils idea and not something the parents are demanding. She sounds very thoughtful.

Hard no

My sister and I are 51 and 43. We both used to get a small gift on the other one’s birthday. I think we’re both quite well adjusted and not entitled because of it. Not sure when it stopped but many years ago

And both of us felt special when it was our birthday. The unbirthday present was just a nice extra

There is a massive difference between:

One small present for the sibling that keeps them happy and occupied (perfectly fine, relatively common, and can be phased out easily as sibling grows up)

and

giving large equal sized presents to the non birthday sibling, or multiple non-birthday presents (which takes away from the birthday sibling and is harder to stop)

I get the idea that kids have to accept it's someone else's day, but I can't see this is a massive deal, unless only one kid gets favoured (as in on Anna's birthday Elsa gets a gift too, but Anna didn't get one on Elsa's).
But is the issue MIL feels she doesn't see them enough so is overcompensating? You say you're not close, so maybe encouraging more time with the family would solve this, because she wouldn't feel she has to do so much with gifts,

When my ex-h was a child, his parents always used to get his sister a present. This meant he felt that his birthday wasn’t special or for him. He was very resentful of her.

I never did this, (but I had five kids with widely spread birthdays and so it would have been a never-ending expense to buy for the non-birthday kids) and it was never done for me and my brother. But I don't really see a problem with it as long as it's made very clear that it is the birthday child's special day and the 'little sibling gift' is just a small thing because it's 'present day'.

One of my in laws did this. It was okay to begin with but then for a couple of years the younger one thought her sibling was stealing her presents.😂

I'm in my 50's and my Nan always got us a small something on the siblings birthday until we hit 18, so I now carry on doing this for my nieces and nephews, I think it's just a nice little gesture, I did not grow up spoilt or brattish.

I'm a teacher and only found out recently that this was a fairly common practice.

In a class of ten year olds, discussing birthday celebrations it came up that a good majority of them expected and received a gift on siblings' birthdays.

I'm not so sure that parents are sending a good message this way. You have to learn to take a back seat sometimes.

Having said that, if it's GPs who want to do this, maybe I'd let it slide.

Definitely not a fan of parents doing it though. If you've got more than one kid, each one deserves their special day and attention from parents.

My mom does this but my girls are both still toddlers so it’s more to stop any scraps !

How long did this go on for ? I think it’s okay if they were both toddlers, not so much above the age of 5

My parents always did this!

Clearly I am in the minority because I’m 100% on your DHs side. It’s actually coming up for my DS 1st birthday and I put in the invite for no presents for my DS. I am huge on birthdays we usually do a week long celebration for everyone in our house and our kids have birthdays on the opposite side of the year. Honestly my children are incredibly loved and get presents almost weekly from family so having one day one of them doesn’t get a present won’t kill them 😂

I do this, especially for younger kids. I would give the birthday boy/girl their present but also give their sibling a smaller present (sweets, book, craft kit ect)

as you’re staying out of it I can’t say you’re being unreasonable. But I do think your husband is. He should allow granny to treat both children. It won’t harm them. It will hekp
their relationship. He is a mean Scrooge.

My grandma always gave a small gift to the siblings, maybe a couple of pounds each, and the birthday child got £15-£20.
My mother did the same for her grandchildren - £30 in a card for the birthday child, and £5 for siblings (each of us only had 2 children, so it wasn’t a big amount of money)
It did no harm and the birthday child felt special regardless.
I loved getting a little treat, while not taking away from my siblings’ special day.

The planet is dying. Kids just don’t need all this stuff.

No one can be left out can they. Present for the child whose birthday it is only.

My paternal grandma bought me and my sister a gift when it was the others birthday every year. It was only a small token like a chocolate orange or a box of maltesers and she called it our ‘un-birthday present’. We absolutely loved it and it certainly didn’t take away from the fact that it was the other sibling’s big day.
My parents have taken over the tradition and buy my DS a similar size token gift for their un-birthdays too and it’s something all find amusing and special.

I do this for my niece and nephew who are now teenagers, the birthday one gets their birthday present and the other gets a wee gift, a book or similar when they were wee, chocolate or a lip balm type thing as they’ve got older. It’s nice to be nice, and I would never get something for one of them and not the other

Although maybe it has more to do with my mother in law going against his wishes than the actual present.

how did he explain his opposition? I am assuming you asked?

But more importantly: Your DH made an entirely reasonable request and your MIL is still „adamant“ about ignoring his clearly expressed boundaries. It’s therefore time to support your husband. Be a united front etc…

Agree with your husband; it’s all about the birthday boy/girl and your mother-in-law should respect your husband’s wishes.