Is it unreasonable to get a present for a sibling when it's their brother/sisters birthday?

[Cherrytree696]

So before I start I just want to say my mother in law is a perfectly nice lady. We aren't super close but as far as they go she is fine.

I'm curious to know if my husband is being unreasonable or not.

We are just about to celebrate my youngest child's first birthday and it has been mentioned by my in laws that a present will be coming for my daughter and my son (not just my daughter who is celebrating her birthday). My husband has requested that they do not do this as he feels that birthdays should be about the person whose birthday it is and he wants our son to understand that and vice versa when it is his birthday he would like to teach that to our daughter. My husband can be quite weird about presents and would prefer the children didn't get much valuing experiences over physical gifts etc ...

However my mother in law is absolutely adamant that she is going to be getting them both a present. I don't understand either of them and I can see both sides really... And I can see that both are being entirely unreasonable.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I am personally staying out of it.

We did when we were little. Just a little thing. Much appreciated.

As a kid, I always got one present on my brother or parents birthdays. My kids also get one very small present, wrapped kn different paper, set aside elsewhere to the birthday presents.

But, if your husband is saying no, then he's the parent and his mum should listen.

I dont understand people giving siblings gifts on the kids birthday. It's utterly bizarre in my view. We need to teach our kids some resilience and this isn't going to be helping. With my children i got them involved very early in choosing their own gifts for the sibling whose birthday it is (so a gift from them) and they all now do it automatically, with their own pocket money (with my help if needed). It has become natural and they enjoy choosing a gift and giving it to their sibling (and others). So it would be a hard no for me, MIL needs to respect dad's view on this.

Who said it was wrong ?

I’ve always done this. I always framed it as a “thank you for helping me to organise your sisters birthday” little gift. It means they are always really keen to help choose presents, organise parties etc and it also means that birthdays are a big family occasion.

it always surprises me how strongly people feel about this - to the extent they would literally stop a relative doing this. Mine are 12 and 9 now. There’s no entitlement, no resentment. They have always loved their birthdays and are enthusiastic about watching each other open their gifts.

I have always found this strange. This happened when I was with my ex husband with him and his siblings they got presents on each others birthdays. This still happened now and they are in their 40’s!

My Granny did this, something small like hair clips or socks. My Mum and I both did it when my children were little. Probably spent £5-£10. They’re older now and I don’t do it anymore. They understand it is their siblings birthday and that’s why they don’t have any presents of their own. They used to get excited to see each other open their gifts. It made the day go easier and gradually phased it out as they got older.

It seems to be one of these things introduced by newer generations (along with the concept of no winners or losers). I've never done it as it's the birthday person's day, and the focus is on them and their choices eg for tea etc.

I find it really interesting that people think a token gift for a sibling will somehow make the birthday child less special

mil has always does this - she also gives DH and I a gift - just a token like sweets or a book or socks or something. Our kids are always interested to see what everyone else has received (and try to steal the sweets!) but it’s never detracted from the day - the birthday child obviously has more presents and gets to pick dinner etc etc

I have a friend who is obsessed with being the sole focus of attention on her birthday and I find it odd tbh!

Everything is frowned upon on mumsnet so don't let it worry you.

My siblings and I got a surprise bag on each other's birthdays so it's been going on 40 years or so for some people

Personally I think it's utterly ridiculous, and did no such thing myself. Ditto, blowing out somebody else's candles. I strongly discouraged others who thought these were perfectly reasonable things to do, from seeking to do them in my family, with my children, with success.

Personally I think it's utterly ridiculous, and did no such thing myself. Ditto, blowing out somebody else's candles

You see - I have really fond memories of this with my girls. No entitlement or loss of focus on the birthday girl - just genuine fun. We’d have hours of fun with those candles. “Sister blow them out!”, “Daddy blow them out!”, “Uncle Fred blow them out”. Uncle Fred would invariably pretend to lack the puff to do so and great hilarity followed. (I am not germ phobic and roll my eyes at people who won’t have birthday candles on a cake they will eat - but there were definitely a couple of years when it was so “well blown” (within the family!) that I judiciously scraped off the top layer of icing before dishing it up. But some very happy memories.

I think the opposite. It’s creating a problem when there should not be one. They shouldn’t be grabbing presents and crying.

I have a friend who is obsessed with being the sole focus of attention on her birthday and I find it odd tbh!

I totally agree with this! I cannot bear adults who are obsessed with their own birthday 😂

You should have seen how stressed she was when our friends due date was around her day 🤣. Luckily baby was late

I don’t see an issue with what your MIL wants to do, I think it’s nice of her actually. However, if your husband feels really strongly against it, then she should respect that. Hope your DC has a happy birthday.

I have always done this when gifting. It was common among my circle growing up: not for me, as I'm an only child, but it was usual for siblings to be given a small gift. I don't see why your husband is so adamant that it is wrong. It would be different if the sibling got to blow out the candles or something like that, but just getting a wee gift is fine.

It isn't a case of 'MILs can't win' as the person objecting is OP's husband. He is objecting to his own mother's behaviour. I think he's wrong to make a big deal of it, but let's not make MILs into some protected class who can't ever be criticised.

I agree about candles. That is for the birthday person and them alone.

I only ever did this on baby siblings first birthday. Older sibling was still young and a token something was given to them to say thank you for being a great big brother. By the time they turned 2 older sibling was happy to enjoy it being all about the little one. Worked great for us. Bigger age gap by the time 3rd dc arrived so wasn't even thought about

Not really, I am 62 and my mother did it for me and my younger brother. It was one small gift for the non birthday child. Birthday child got the cards and few presents, party and a cake. It stopped at 9. As I said previously, I would have done the same with my children but I had twins

Whether it’s reasonable to give siblings a small gifts as well is a bit of a red herring IMO, tbh.

Neither approach is wrong imo, just different parenting philosophies.

Which means that OP‘s DH‘s request to not do sibling isn’t unreasonable or particularly onerous.

His DM‘s refusal to respect a clearly stated boundary however is extremely unreasonably… That’s the issue I‘d be focusing on if I was OP.

i mean i used to as my own dm did,
but obviously only a gesture
but i think it is too much if other family members do the same.

Good lord! If ever there was a reason NOT to bring a gift…this is it! We should be teaching our children not to be jealous. There’s nothing wrong with ‘feeling big emotions’!