To not lend my mum money

[LastMemory]

My mum and dad split up 5 years ago as my mum had an affair. My dad was completely devastated. My mum apparently regretted it and they tried to save their relationship but after trying for about a year, my dad said he couldn’t get over it and they split up.

My relationship with my mum never really recovered. I hate cheating and my mum says my dad was a great husband, she just got flattered by the other man. She told me it was her biggest regret and cried a lot but I just couldn’t see her in the same light again. Sometimes I think I hate her.

I have recently found out that she has been seeing the man that she had an affair with again, for at least 18 months. She doesn’t know that I know.

My mum is struggling financially and has asked us to lend her money. Apparently she is facing losing her house. I have refused to give her the money because I feel so resentful of what she has done to our family and that she is now seeing this man again and I am ready to cut her out of my life completely.

AIBU?

That's a very difficult decision for you.

Maybe ask her round and talk to her about everything?

FAFO.

Not your circus, as they say.

Tell her to ask her boyfriend instead.

Do you know if she is being truthful about needing the money?

She seems to be very flexible with the truth so all might not be as it seems.

I wouldn't give money in this situation, it will only lead to further resentment and anger. She needs to start taking responsibility for her own decisions, whatever they may be.

No definitely not. You and she both know that it is not a loan and will never be repaid.
Adults should not be asking their children for money.

Just tell her you aren't in a position to lend her anything..
You dont even owe her an explanation.

Personally I wouldn't.

I would consider a gift if we were on good terms, but it'll only damage your relationship further if it is a loan and she doesn't pay you back.

Agree with this, how do you know she is being honest?

Could she being manipulated into given money to the boyfriend? Is he actually real and in the UK? There are so many online scams with 'men' from abroad, so just checking he is a physical person.

I'd want to know how her finances have declined in the last 5yrs and what has changed that she can no longer live off her wage/pension or whatever she lives off. Does she need to down size to release money? Does she have an extravagant lifestyle? Where is the money going?

your mum is just a human being and it is very hard to raise children and maintain a marriage. This might be hard to hear but your Dad is no angel…he is also human and we all make mistakes. Personally I would support my mum, she gave you life and did her best to raise you, sacrificing her body, mind and soul whilst you were little…

Just say no if you don't want to. The affair is between her and your dad. If you can't forgive her for it, that's fine - just move on. Your parents are no longer together, so mum is free to be with whoever she wants - even if it is the original affair partner.

I would ask lots of questions about financial situation and would be very slow to allow my mother to lose her house if I could help. Even from the practicality of where would she live? Also would it be speeding up or pressuring her to move in with affair guy? Its closes a lot of options and independence when you lose your house. I understand you’re upset about how the marriage ended but its your parents relationship not yours and despite mistakes if they were overall good parents I would help.

The financial situation seems to be result of her own poor decisions. She came out of the divorce with the same as my dad who is fine. My dad bought a smaller house straight away and has been sensible going back to working 5 days where he had reduced to 3. My mum decided to give up work, go on lots of holidays and rent. She seems to have burned through her money. The affair partner could be part of that, I have no idea as I don’t officially know they’re together. She obviously deliberately not sharing that to keep us in her life and so she can ask for cash.

This

I would not be giving her any money as then you would simply be enabling her to continue as she is

Let her ask her affair partner for help

Ugh.

“Sorry, can’t afford to” should do it. Unless you are very wealthy you should look after your own finances first.

Given the above info ABSOLUTELY DO NOT LEND OR GIVE HER A SINGLE PENNY

Even if the relationship with you was good I would not lend money, lending money to family or friends changes the relationship dynamics in a way that makes the relationship different ,either give what you can or say no but don't lend.
Given the relationship is already fraught definitely no, people don't like getting stuff in writing from family it causes too much agro if things go wrong if nothing in writing

Having read your second post, no I absolutely would not give her money.

😂

You really believe she is only keeping in contact with you do she can ask for money? If so then the answer will have to be no. But if you dont really think that, and its your resentment coming
out then the anwer depends a bit on whether you can afford it; do you think she will pay it back (ie will she be financially prudent enough to control her spending and not get into more financial trouble); if she doesn't pay it back would it matter to you...and so on. I have to say the answer is likely to be no but thats a very hard thing. I would have a very serious conversation with her about all of it before deciding.

I think your mum's turned up pleading her case @LastMemory

😂😂😂

From your update she sounds like a disaster financially. I took it that she owned her house, if its renting then its less complicated imo, can she move to a cheaper place? she’ll still need help with this by the sound of it but its not your responsibility, you could see it as an opportunity to have an honest conversation, ask whats her plan for future housing and supporting her own life financially? Also tell her u know about seeing the affair guy. Personally I’d still be slow to see her lose rental if I could help and it would probably cost as much to set her up again if you chose to do that. It looks like she needs to overhaul her life, get a job & back to reality, this could be a starting point.

You can’t be serious. My dad had an affair when I was early 20’s, ( and for some reason decided that I was the one he offloaded everything onto, I was too young and too under his thumb to fight back but that’s another story). We kept up some sort of relationship and yes, that included money, I felt an obligation I suppose. I never forgave him and frankly didn’t particularly like him. Don’t underestimate what an affair does to the whole family.