To not lend my mum money

[LastMemory]

My mum and dad split up 5 years ago as my mum had an affair. My dad was completely devastated. My mum apparently regretted it and they tried to save their relationship but after trying for about a year, my dad said he couldn’t get over it and they split up.

My relationship with my mum never really recovered. I hate cheating and my mum says my dad was a great husband, she just got flattered by the other man. She told me it was her biggest regret and cried a lot but I just couldn’t see her in the same light again. Sometimes I think I hate her.

I have recently found out that she has been seeing the man that she had an affair with again, for at least 18 months. She doesn’t know that I know.

My mum is struggling financially and has asked us to lend her money. Apparently she is facing losing her house. I have refused to give her the money because I feel so resentful of what she has done to our family and that she is now seeing this man again and I am ready to cut her out of my life completely.

AIBU?

No, you're not. I'd feel exactly the same as you.

Setting aside the affair, you have no guarantee the financial help will be used correctly and secure her housing situation.

She could end up in the same situation again if she knows you will step in and help her.

Can't she move in with her affair partner?

I think she wants us in her life so I think she’s keeping quiet about being with the affair man so that we remain so. I think she’s keeping quiet because she knows that being with him could potentially end all contact we have with her.

He is still with his wife. I don’t think his poor wife knows anything.

Oh poor woman.

What kind of sum is your mother asking for? Is it roughly in the tens of thousands?

I wouldn’t be giving her any money. But then I don’t believe in lending money to anyone - beyond a very tiny sum, like a tenner or something. She’s an adult and will have to sort herself out.

This. I wouldn't lend any money.

But I think you're being very judgmental about the affair tbh. What happened was between her and your dad and you were adults at the time. It's very hard to know precisely what is going on in someone else's relationship and, while people should clearly put their young children first in the decisions that they make (although that doesn't necessarily mean staying miserably together), there must come a time when parents of adult children are free to pursue their own personal lives without their children's approval to some extent, even if that means making bad decisions.

I also hate cheating but I think you're being very harsh on your mother. She made bad choices and she's lost a lot. Have some compassion, she's your mother.

I will never condone an affair while people are married to someone else. It involves lies and more lies. If you are in a bad relationship then you end it before starting an affair. OP’s father found out and they did try to make a go of it so he doesn’t sound that controlling.

She should go back to work!

Sorry mum i can't afford to lend you money. End of conversation.

£9k to clear all debts. About half of that is rent arrears I’m told. She is working again now so apparently if I can lend her this, she will be able to pay future rent but it’ll take years to pay me back, if she even does. If it was my dad, I’d give it him without hesitation but I begrudge helping my mum after what she has done.

Seconded, what an utter load of shite

Seeing your update, no, I'd not give her the money (you know you won't get it back, giving even more ill-feeling). If it had been through illness or something she had less control over I may have been tempted. But through not working/holidays then sorry, she deserves to lose it. Hopefully she will have a little left over to buy herself a little flat. A roof over head is the most important bill of all.

Sorry about her affair, always so shitty to do to others.

£9K is an absolutely vast sum of money. Especially as her rent arrears are her own doing, since she stopped working and burned through the divorce settlement. She needs to grow up and take responsibility for her own actions.

Urgh! 'Sacrificing her body, mind and soul'! What a load of ridiculous claptrap.

OP has said

'My mum decided to give up work, go on lots of holidays and rent. She seems to have burned through her money.'

There is no way that OP should be bailing her mum out by giving her money. Her mum should go back to work.

I am judgemental about the affair, she deserves to be judged for it. I don’t apologise for that. It affected the whole family so it’s not true that it’s just between them. My mum has said my dad did nothing wrong, she was just flattered by attention from elsewhere. They weren’t miserable and my mum wanted to stay with my dad, he tried but couldn’t deal with her betrayal. She is free to do what she likes but there are consequences. She has proven she is free to make bad decisions and now wants me to cough up for them. Being an adult means taking responsibility for your own actions imo and when you hurt others, you can’t expect help and support from them.

I couldn't vote one way or the other, whatever you decide is your decision.
How did you and your mum get on before the affair? A bad wife can still be a loving parent.

If I were in that situation, I would give my mum the money because I loved her and she loved me.
What happened between your parents was their business; when marriages go wrong, someone always gets hurt.

I think there are 2 different things here. The loaning of money ... which I'd recommend you do not do given what you've described ie your mum's poor financial decisions post divorce. Unless you are fabulously wealthy and 9k is pocket change but otherwise I'd say no. She needs to figure this out on her own.
The ongoing relationship or not with her is a separate matter. I strongly believe that as offspring we cannot know all that goes between a married couple and there may be more to the story than you know or have been told. So for that reason I wouldn't go NC "just" because she had an affair, no matter your views on the ethics. What I would be looking at is the effort and behaviour since then. My dad had an affair and it was hard for all of us but I was prepared to maintain a relationship with him. But he demonstrated time and time again that his priorities were his new family and alcohol. So I dropped the rope. We speak now maybe once a year. He's like a distant relative and I have virtually nothing to say to him. I judged his behaviour post affair rather than the act itself if you see what I mean

Does your mum know you feel this way?
If she does, I think she is wrong to put you in the position of bailing her out financially.

Sounds like realistically you would be giving her 9k because it doesnt sound like she'd be able to pay you back.

It's not unreasonable at all to not want to give / lend such a huge sum of money to anyone.

You're going to need to lend quite a substantial sum if she's at risk of losing her house. She's made her bed .

Putting the affair and your feeling towards you mum aside, even if you had a good relationship with her, I would recommend against lending such a large sum to someone who's clearly bad with money

As an adult it is time you drew a line under the affair, move on, and unless you think she is vulnerable keep out of her current love life.

From a financial support point of view if you cannot afford to lose it don't lend it.

But if she is at risk of losing her home and needs help tell her you can't afford it, offer to help her work out how to pay off her debt/live within her means with debt services, benefits, budgeting etc. If she declines your offer then that's on her.

Just say no, shes made bad decisions and its not your job to pay for it.