To not lend my mum money

[LastMemory]

My mum and dad split up 5 years ago as my mum had an affair. My dad was completely devastated. My mum apparently regretted it and they tried to save their relationship but after trying for about a year, my dad said he couldn’t get over it and they split up.

My relationship with my mum never really recovered. I hate cheating and my mum says my dad was a great husband, she just got flattered by the other man. She told me it was her biggest regret and cried a lot but I just couldn’t see her in the same light again. Sometimes I think I hate her.

I have recently found out that she has been seeing the man that she had an affair with again, for at least 18 months. She doesn’t know that I know.

My mum is struggling financially and has asked us to lend her money. Apparently she is facing losing her house. I have refused to give her the money because I feel so resentful of what she has done to our family and that she is now seeing this man again and I am ready to cut her out of my life completely.

AIBU?

So she had enough money to buy a house, but she pissed it all up the wall and has absolutely nothing to show for it?

Not a chance I'd lend any amount of money to someone so stupid.

@LastMemory have you been cheated on?

She should stop bringing her problems to me then that have been caused by her cheating.

This is two separate things.

1. YANBU to say no to lending her money because she hasn't been responsible with her finances and you have no evidence that giving her money will change any of that.
2. Yes she has hurt and betrayed your Dad in their relationship and she blew up her life and your family unit but that's not the reason for holding back on the money. That's another thing and it's about your relationship as an adult with her as a flawed adult parent.

There's a third thing in here about her continuing an affair with a married man but I'm bumping that for now.

You giving her money doesn't address the problem. Her needing the money is a symptom of her not making good choices. The most helpful and constructive thing you could do is to give her some advice about her housing and finances.

e.g.
"Mum, I can't give you the money as there's no plan in place for you turning things around financially. You need to downsize and rein in your spending. It's easy to see how you've got into this situation. I don't have any confidence at the moment that if you were to be given the money you've requested that you'll not be asking for more money again in the future."

She should be talking to Citizens Advice Bureau or the Debt Advice Service.

It's not punishment for her affair, it's the consequences of her own actions.

I think you're still hurting too much to give her the support she needs so it's best she talks with people who can give her the practical advice around her financial situation.

Don't mention your Dad to her.

She may well be hurt by this approach but from your posts it sounds like there have been repeated failings from her that mean you want to keep your distance. It does feel like she's only keen to get the money from you.

It's all very sad.

On a positive twist, your Dad sounds sensible and grounded and he's free from all her drama.

@LastMemory don't lend the money. Not because of the affair (though your feelings on that are valid) but because she's proven she can't handle it responsibly....she could as easily burn through your £9k a she has done the rest.

I expect you would be more forgiving of your dad had he been the one who had an affair.

No, she's an adult woman, not a teenager. Cheaters often lose contact with their kids, and don't feel bad if you hate her. You were the child, and she should have put you first. Unless she was forced into marriage, this is on her.

Definitely not.

I wouldn’t give her a penny.

She will need to sort out a repayment plan for her rent arrears and other debts - but the rent arrears is the priority. Tell her to go to citizens advice.

She made a terrible mistake which affected your whole family and that's hard to forgive especially seeing your Dad devastated. She tried to rekindle the relationship with your Dad but understandably he just couldn't move on from it..some can others can't. As a result she turned back to her AP, again it's understandable but of course you are, once again, hurt by her doing this. She hasn't shared this with you so doubtless realises you would be upset about it.
It's an awful situation for all of you including your Mum I would guess. Would it help you to talk to her about it?
Tell her exactly how you feel?
It does seem she is alienated from you by your feelings though, maybe there isn't a way back for your relationship which seems a shame.

Lend her all your money - but make sure she transfers the house, she will lose if you don't lent her money, to you FIRST.

If I could afford it I would get her up to date on her rent. She has a job now and should be able to pay it going forward. But I would also give her a wide berth for the foreseeable future. Go very low contract and let her sweat.

You don’t have to be superhuman to just not cheat. You just don’t do it. It’s not stubbornness, I genuinely think cheating is just so disrespectful, especially to such a nice, caring, decent person which she openly says my dad has always been. The affair lasted a long time, it wasn’t a mistake. She chose to do it, over and over and told so many lies to everyone to have the affair.

If your mother has a full time job now, she can borrow money from a bank. Why would she not? It seems quite strange to come to you.

Well that sounds more complex than your original post. If she basically used and disrespected your father and was quite calculated about it, then maybe she's a dodgy character and the situation is different than it seemed from your first post. Fair enough. Maybe they just werent compatible though. But then she should have done the decent thing and split up before finding someone else. But if they arent compatible then, painful as it is for you, and nice as your father is, you cant completely blame yiur mum for not having her needs met. It is painful for kids when things arent hunky dory but people are individuals and are allowed to have their own wants and needs. But, yes, she did go about it the wrong way.

She wanted to stay with my dad. She said she couldn’t have asked for a better husband, still says it now. She feels they were compatible and was happy, just got flattered. 🤮 I can completely blame my mum. If she wanted to be with someone else, she should have spoken to my dad, split if necessary and moved on after. She cheated so needs to face all consequences of her choices, not have me bail her out.

Are you having a laugh? Or the mum in question?

Because your post is ridiculous.

Yabvu, help your mum out fgs

The woman who raised you, by the sounds of it didnt abuse you, is a human being

Youre on a very high horse - so what, she was unhappy and had an affair. We all make mistakes, and shes admitted and been very fair about it. I hope you never screw up in your midlife honestly.

There is an element of punishment here isnt there, which is a little worrying.

Presumably her seeing the guy again is at least a sign it wasn’t entirely meaningless on her behalf and thus the relationship between end just for the sake of a fling? Doesn’t make what she did any better of course, just makes it less meaningless.

It might also be how your mum moves on and youd presumably want her to be happy, as she’s still your mum after all. Yes she’s done wrong but surely there’s opportunity for forgiveness and moving on with things, accepting that wrong has still been done.

Don't lend her the money. Loans to family are the least enforceable.

So don’t bail her out.

She didn’t go about things in the right way and she is now paying the price for her bad choices.

Her choices are not on you.

However, you would be kinder to go no contact or very low contact because to punish her forever is cruel.

Sometimes our parents make choices we don’t understand and we don’t have to like it or approve. It is easy to see things differently with the benefit of hindsight but generally? People happy in their relationship don’t get their heads turned and you will likely never know the full reason she did.

We don’t have to like what they do.

We don’t have to speak of them (or to them?) with utter disdain either.

Her private life is nothing to do with you. She’s a grown up. But, you don’t have to lend her money either.

I agree. But as I say further down , your anger seems to want to make you punish her..I think that is a bit worrying for your own mental stability. It's one thing knowing you are correct in thinking someone acted badly; it's something else to rather actively want them to uncomfortably lie in the bed they have made ..You'll end up hurting yourself