To not lend my mum money

[LastMemory]

My mum and dad split up 5 years ago as my mum had an affair. My dad was completely devastated. My mum apparently regretted it and they tried to save their relationship but after trying for about a year, my dad said he couldn’t get over it and they split up.

My relationship with my mum never really recovered. I hate cheating and my mum says my dad was a great husband, she just got flattered by the other man. She told me it was her biggest regret and cried a lot but I just couldn’t see her in the same light again. Sometimes I think I hate her.

I have recently found out that she has been seeing the man that she had an affair with again, for at least 18 months. She doesn’t know that I know.

My mum is struggling financially and has asked us to lend her money. Apparently she is facing losing her house. I have refused to give her the money because I feel so resentful of what she has done to our family and that she is now seeing this man again and I am ready to cut her out of my life completely.

AIBU?

Indeed.

Was she a good mother to you?

I wouldn’t want to give her this money. Because let’s face it, it’s going to be give not lend. Unless, she had given me an awful lot of money during my adult life. For example substantial amount money towards weddings, house, etc.

Ultimately, £9000 would be far too much for me to lend or give anybody under any circumstances. I thought you were gonna say a few hundred to get it through this month’s rent!

You need to separate out the issues.

Don’t lend her the money because she isn’t reliable. It’s too large a sum to risk not getting back. She can make other arrangements that don’t leave a hole in your finances.

Don’t cut her out of your life completely. Accept her for who she is - impulsive, unreliable but still you mother who loves you.

No its her own fault she's in this mess.

Whilst I think that adult children should not be so invested about the relationships of their parents and parents shouldn't be telling their children about their relationships, I also don't think adult children should be bailing out parents for their poor decisions. Unforseen life events that have significant impacts on a family member, then all family to do what they can to help, that's what families should do. But blowing a divorce settlement and running up an additional 4k in rent arrears and 5k in debt because they didn't want to work, that's on them and family shouldn't be intervening.
It would be a big no from me.

This.

Sometimes people make bad decisions. It doesn’t make them bad people.

The fact that she is not telling you she has resumed her relationship says to me that she understands your disapproval but desperately wants to maintain a relationship with you.

Parents aren’t perfect.

Kindly you have to say no. You already are very disappointed in her and this would only cause more resentment.

She needs professional advice from CAB, not bailout from family.

wtf her choice to have children and in what way was she sacrificing her mind and soul Even if she did sacrifice her body? it's one thing to say she's still your mother no matter what .She gave you life of course that's the whole point of having children. It doesn't mean the op needs to accept everything she does and lend her money to boot

I get that people make bad decisions but this seems to be an endless stream of them. The affair in the first instance, the frittering away of assets on holidays etc, restarting the affair whilst the guy is still attached and then hiding this from the OP. If you loaned her the money OP, you would never see a penny of it again. Your mum is bankrupt in more than one sense, financially and morally.

This.
It's so difficult to find rented property these days and it will be impossible if she gets a CCJ as a result of the arrears.
I'm to saying lend her the money, but certainly offer her help to access help and advice etc to manage the debt.

Absolute drivel.

What your mum did obviously hit the family hard, and had a lasting impact on you.

However, putting that to one side, your mum has clearly not been sensible with her money. £9k is a lot to ask for, and you would never see that money again.

Even if you did lend it to her, I daresay she would be back in the same situation in a few years time.

So, no, I would not lend her the money.

This isn’t just a case of one bad decision OP, it’s a string of them. You don’t need to set yourself on fire to keep your mum warm, so consider the situation as a whole and if you must lend her money, make sure it’s nothing you won’t miss and accept that it’s very likely you won’t get it back.

Yep. Hopefully he has deep pockets as well as a golden penis.

Would you consider just paying the rent arrears, directly to the landlord of course, and make it very very clear this is a one time only, with clear expectations of her paying it back; then if she wants to borrow again you can say no if she hasn't paid the first loan back. I think giving her the whole amount wouldn't help as there would be no consequences for her re her overspending. I know you don't want to, but a homeless mother presents a whole other set of problems imo.
Edited to add, I voted yanbu.

I would tell her that you don’t have the money to lend- very few people have thousands just sitting in the bank waiting for a good cause to turn up.

I would offer to take her to a debt advisory service, to help her figure out a plan to move forward with.

She needs to deal with her debts, and there are charities which will help her set up a budget, negotiate with creditors etc, work out an IVA if that’s appropriate. They will also teach her how to budget, so that she can live within her means.

You giving her the money will do none of these. Instead, it will give her the opportunity to rack up more debts, having learned nothing.

And given that mum’s reason for the initial affair was that he flattered her, a silver tongue 😜

Don't give her money - but do try and let go of your anger towards her. For your own sake, not hers. My dad had an affair - which all came out while I was on my honeymoon so that was lovely. But honestly - I have no anger towards him at all. I can see how it happened as could my mum. They temporarily split and then got back together and they're 20 odd years into it and happier than ever. Your parents' marriage is not your responsibility or business. Try to not let the anger cause you further damage.

I hate cheating too. I've been on the receiving end and know how devastating it is. That said, I would still help my mum if I could. When it came to the fallout from the affair, I'd make my views loudly known, but I wouldn't repeatedly punish her in every other area of her life. My mum would still be my mum and my love for her is not conditional on good behaviour. I wouldn't see her homeless due to housing arrears.

What a load of shite. Are you OP’s Mother.

I'm not saying lend her the money, I don't think you should do that.

But people make mistakes and the consequence for her affair was losing her relationship with your dad. One of the most difficult things in adulthood is accepting that our parents, like so many human beings, are often flawed and limited individuals who act badly and make mistakes. If you want to go no contact with her, then do, but our parents don't owe it to use to be perfect individuals who never make mistakes and sometimes we have to accept them for who they are, with all their flaws.

And every relationship has its flaws too. I'm not saying that affairs are ever right or that the innocent party should ever be blamed for 'causing' the affair, as is sometimes suggested (🙄), that's nonsense, but most relationships have stresses, nuances and undertones which are not visible to an outsider, even adult children. Indeed, often adult children are used to the particular family dynamic between their mum and dad and can't see in the same way as an objective outsider that it might be flawed. So the saint/sinner dynamic is usually unhelpful.

Utter nonsense!

it is very hard to raise children and maintain a marriage
No it isn't.

This might be hard to hear but your Dad is no angel
How do you know? Even the OP's mother admitted he had done nothing wrong. And even if he wasn't an angel, OP's mother could have left the marriage rather than start an affair.

she gave you life and did her best to raise you,
Again, how do you know?

sacrificing her body, mind and soul whilst you were little
Huh? It's not the OP's fault she was born. If you choose to have children then it's your privilege to sacrifice things. The OP does not owe her mother anything!

And those saying OP should mind her own business and parents are allowed their own lives. That is certainly correct, however OP is also allowed to have a moral judgement on her mother's actions. It doesn't matter that she's her mum, she's a person who had an afair and is still continuing with a married man. I'd judge whether it was a parent, friend or a randomer. In fact, I think you can judge a parent even more harshly since they are making a choice to drag their children (like the OP) into the mess. Marriages fail, you can decide to divorce and then have another relationship.

I think if I was you @LastMemory , I'd literally just tell her to ask her boyfriend and say nothing else. That would tell your mum that you know the affair is carrying on and to stop her asking. You can still choose to have a relationship, if you want and your mum will have to accept your terms.