To not lend my mum money

[LastMemory]

My mum and dad split up 5 years ago as my mum had an affair. My dad was completely devastated. My mum apparently regretted it and they tried to save their relationship but after trying for about a year, my dad said he couldn’t get over it and they split up.

My relationship with my mum never really recovered. I hate cheating and my mum says my dad was a great husband, she just got flattered by the other man. She told me it was her biggest regret and cried a lot but I just couldn’t see her in the same light again. Sometimes I think I hate her.

I have recently found out that she has been seeing the man that she had an affair with again, for at least 18 months. She doesn’t know that I know.

My mum is struggling financially and has asked us to lend her money. Apparently she is facing losing her house. I have refused to give her the money because I feel so resentful of what she has done to our family and that she is now seeing this man again and I am ready to cut her out of my life completely.

AIBU?

it sounds like she squandered her money and now she has a boyfriend they want to go on holidays and live it up.
I would be clear I have no spare cash, and shut down any further requests.

Hi Mum!

I would not offer her a present under those circumstances.

But I would feel that it was better that she's seeing the same man because at least it shows there was real feeling there and he wasn't just a quick unfaithful shag.

I also agree OP shouldn't lend her money and also I think you make some good points. I think society is quicker to forgive men who cheat rather than women who cheat.

When men cheat, women are always told to keep the children's relationship separate from their own relationship.

When women cheat, it's often implied that she should be punished with reduced contact.

I think you have answered your own question.

I don't think "lending" (giving) money to someone who has a poor history with money is the way to go.

If her circumstances were different and you genuinely wanted to help her then you could perhaps agree to pay her rent directly to the landlord for a set time, giving her this time to regroup and sort out other debts etc.

But from what you have said, you might do this and six months later she is back to where she is now, expecting you to cough up for again.

Its hard as it's your mum, but ultimately we are all responsible for ourselves.

This seems a good compromise if you feel you need to help. The threat of homelessness is lifted and she can keep up payments from now on. The other 5k she can come to arrangement with creditors. They can't make her homelessness. If she serious she will accept this. But any complaints about you not trusting her with the money or it is embarrassing you paying to the landlord or guilt trip about the rest, shows she has not yet faced up to the consequences of what she has done. I'd then leave her to it.

Which bit is Ugh?

answer 1 no
answer 2 hell no
answer 3 fuck no do you think I am crazy?

pick one OP

People make mistakes. Can't you forgive her. And are you maybe showing a degree of stubborness which is every bit as unpleasant as her vanity and stupidity at being flattered by someone. You are expecting her to be superhuman. Maybe something was missing and she has found it with this man.

I called it drivel, but shite is so much more descriptive - a word that suits so many different situations !!

All of it !! I suspect mum has found the thread !!

I really wonder about posters sometimes.
You have no idea if she ‘sacrificed mind body and soul’ and a daughter owes a mother nothing. The mother CHOSE to have the children. Would you excuse a dad cheating as just human. This answer has really pissed me off.

Lend her money and you’ll be forever bank rolling her chosen way of life. Tell her, if she’s so strapped for cash, to ask her new man for it!

This. ^

@LastMemory She's made her bed and all that, so she can feck off to the far side of feck. How cheeky to expect to be bailed out financially by her DAUGHTER because she was flattered by another man's attention, and her marriage broke down because of her affair, and now she's brassick!

As @FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee said - great username by the way - let her boyfriend bail her out.

Wow, I'm actually fuming on your behalf. Your poor dad.

Agree with this post. ^

Does she have any pension provision ?

I wouldn't be lending her money. It's not a good idea even if you had the best relationship.

I do think that now her and your dad are separated that she's free to see anyone she chooses. You don't have to approve. It does sound like she messed up a good thing and that's her guilt to bear. If she's been a good mum I wouldn't disown her.

I wouldn't lend her anything. She'll just burn through it like her divorce settlement. She's obviously not an honest person and shes bad with money so you won't get it back. Don't finance her affair.

OP, I hope you are never in a position where you make some poorly judged decision that has long lasting repercussions. None of us, including you, will ever know what prompted your DM to have an affair. She saw the error of her ways, but your DF couldn’t get past it, and they split up. The fact that your DM is now back with her married affair partner could be as a result of loneliness as much as anything else. Before you so quickly refuse to lend her money, consider what might happen if you refuse to. If half is for rent arrears, could you pay that direct so she wouldn’t be evicted? I doubt you would want to see your DM homeless, no matter how angry with her you are, and the next step might be her asking to move in with you. Your DM needs to know that this would be a one-off payment. Has she always been bad with money, or did your DF always take care of the day to day bills? Your DM really needs to sort herself out - but I can’t think that allowing her to become homeless would help either of you.

That is a tragic story. I feel really sorry for you that you can't forgive her and want to continue to want to punish her and so you are punishing yourself, that's heavy stuff - have you considered counselling?
What will happen if one of your kids has an affair - will you feel the same way?

If my dad had cheated, I’d feel exactly the same. I detest cheating. It’s such a scummy thing to do. I just can’t feel the same about her. If she was unhappy, she should have spoke to my dad and if it couldn’t be fixed, she could have said she wanted a divorce. Instead she chose to betray him and she lied to us all to get to see this other man. She has said she wasn’t unhappy though and that my dad couldn’t have been more attentive to her. The whole thing just makes me sick. I don’t want to punish her, I just don’t like the person she has shown to be and struggle to be around her now. I used to think I could trust her with anything, but not anymore.

Hmm not so sure about that.
Surely, part of being a parent is modelling moral standards to you child and having respect for their other parent.
My dad was, on the surface if it, a good, fun loving father but I'll never forgive him for the way he treated my mother.

Unless you are a multi millionaire and £9k is like £2;50 to you, there's no way you should give her the money, fuck that.

YANBU to not lend her money but YABU to think her marriage or other relationships are anything to do with you. You are not a child and she doesn’t owe you staying in a marriage she doesn’t want to. Of course you are human and will judge her. That’s on but remember you are not perfect either.

What nonsense, @Yolo12345. When we have children, we accept the responsibility to care for them - it is not a transaction, we do not do it in order to ‘earn’ repayment from them.

@LastMemory - you have no obligation to give your mum money.

It’s been an adjustment to realise she’s not someone I can trust and I have seen a therapist for it. I’ve accepted that she isn’t who I’d like her to be and I have a happy life with my partner and children, good friends and my dad. When she asks me to lend her £9k, I just think she needs to sort her own fuck up out.

I’d be very disappointed if my kids had affairs. Obviously I can’t say exactly how I’d feel or what I’d do but it’s very different when it’s your children than when it’s your parent.

My sisters husband cheated on her and my mum was the first to judge him, called him every name you could think of, then she does it herself. My sister doesn’t talk to my mum now at all. She doesn’t understand how she could do it to our dad after seeing how much pain her husband caused her.