To not lend my mum money

[LastMemory]

My mum and dad split up 5 years ago as my mum had an affair. My dad was completely devastated. My mum apparently regretted it and they tried to save their relationship but after trying for about a year, my dad said he couldn’t get over it and they split up.

My relationship with my mum never really recovered. I hate cheating and my mum says my dad was a great husband, she just got flattered by the other man. She told me it was her biggest regret and cried a lot but I just couldn’t see her in the same light again. Sometimes I think I hate her.

I have recently found out that she has been seeing the man that she had an affair with again, for at least 18 months. She doesn’t know that I know.

My mum is struggling financially and has asked us to lend her money. Apparently she is facing losing her house. I have refused to give her the money because I feel so resentful of what she has done to our family and that she is now seeing this man again and I am ready to cut her out of my life completely.

AIBU?

What a load of mawkish shite

It might imply that in your eyes but that’s not what I meant.
I always understood that the underdog was the person the mob was picking on unfairly.
If I think that’s happening , as typically with MIL bashing, I will support the MIL if I think no consideration is being given to her situation. Of course, I don’t do it regardless of the situation.
I do like to stick up for the underdog. I believe it’s generally considered a good thing to do.
I don’t know why this would offend you.

Do you have children yourself?

It's silly to do that just to be contrarian, though. I don't know why you would stick up for a MIL just because they are a MIL. It should be entirely based on circumstances. In this case, the circumstance is that OP's mother is in the wrong and OP is setting a boundary.

I have children and grandchildren and I agree with @Gatekeeper

Having children isn't some sort of selfless act, it's entirely selfish, something that parents do to make themselves happy. Hopefully, most parents aspire to more than just 'not being abusive', but even then there is no guarantee that your child will have a happy life. People think that they will be good parents and often aren't prepared for how difficult it can be.

Yes, I don’t think my children owe me anything for bringing them up. We had children because we wanted them.

People think that they will be good parents and often aren't prepared for how difficult it can be.
That's the main point I was making.

But I can't get my head around the idea that people have children for entirely selfish reasons.It just doesn't fit with my take on life at all. It's hard to be a parent if you're selfish, and pretty much impossiblet o be a good parent, I should think.

Yes, I agree it would be silly to do that just to be contrarian. So far as I know, that's not the meaning of sticking up for the underdog.
It means standing up for someone who is being unfairly picked upon/ bullied/persecuted.
It's generally thought of as a good/brave thing to do.

Only when it's legitimate, and not performative. In this case, OP's mother is not the 'underdog'. She FAFO'd. There's a big difference.

I’ve told her that she won’t be getting any money from us and also asked that she doesn’t contact me again. She’s ignored my wishes so I’ll need to change my number. She’s so fucking selfish.

Stay strong. She sounds utterly toxic. Changing your number sounds like a good plan. I'm sorry that she couldn't be the mother you deserved.

I imagine changing your number would be a real faff. Why not just block hers?

I have but she’s contacting me from several other numbers.

Are the other members from friends or family you do want to keep in touch with, or is she getting new phones? Either way, it’s harassment. There are steps you can take to deter from doing that.

Wow, she is really determined to not respect your boundaries, isn't she!? I would imagine that this isn't the first time throughout your life that she has played up and been selfish. The fact that she felt entitled to betray your father just because she was 'bored' and felt that she deserved admiration is very telling.

.

When was the last time you posted on a thread about a man cheating on his wife and said that the father should never have contact with his children again?

I bet you haven’t.

My post isn’t about the OP, she knows her mum best and knows that going NC is right for her, so that’s her choice and everyone should respect that.

But some of these posts about the mother are verging on distasteful.

You are wrong. If this thread was about the OPs father, not a single person would be giving her a hard time. They would all be 'you go girl' ing. There would be no attempted guilt trips and suggestions that her father deserved grace and 'who knows what really happens in a marriage'. And, to be clear, nor should there be. I would feel exactly the same if it was her father who had cheated. Most people on here would judge a man more harshly, though.

I was one of the first to reply to OP and tell her she shouldn’t lend her mum the money so don’t know where your ideas about ‘giving OP a hard time’ or guilt tripping’ cone from.

I have never seen anyone tell an OP to go NC with her father because he had an affair.

Generally the message is children’s relationships (even as adults) with their fathers should be separate to the relationship between husband and wife.

It certainly does appear that she's more driven by her own needs, rather than repairing her relationship with you as her primary consern. That's not how a mother should behave. I can understand why you find it hurtful.

Yes I do

Do not lend her anything. Her bf can give her money.

My DM constantly had affairs, constantly moaned about a lack of money (not enough to work for it though). When my DPs divorced my DF bought a house, my DM spent all hers. Her plan later on when she couldn't get a man was for me to support her. No.

I really feel for your mother she’s only human and people make bad decisions. It sounds like she was a good mother to you otherwise and she hasn’t dragged your dads name through the dirt but frankly you don’t know why she felt the need for an affair and you don’t know what went on within their marriage.

Honestly ride your high horse off into the sunset but what a cruel way to treat your mother.

I do, and I sort of agree with Gatekeeper, though I wouldn't have put it quite so bluntly. 😊