To not lend my mum money

[LastMemory]

My mum and dad split up 5 years ago as my mum had an affair. My dad was completely devastated. My mum apparently regretted it and they tried to save their relationship but after trying for about a year, my dad said he couldn’t get over it and they split up.

My relationship with my mum never really recovered. I hate cheating and my mum says my dad was a great husband, she just got flattered by the other man. She told me it was her biggest regret and cried a lot but I just couldn’t see her in the same light again. Sometimes I think I hate her.

I have recently found out that she has been seeing the man that she had an affair with again, for at least 18 months. She doesn’t know that I know.

My mum is struggling financially and has asked us to lend her money. Apparently she is facing losing her house. I have refused to give her the money because I feel so resentful of what she has done to our family and that she is now seeing this man again and I am ready to cut her out of my life completely.

AIBU?

I’m going to say no to the money. I’ve been mulling the situation over for a couple of days since she asked for the cash and the responses have helped clarify my feelings about her.

As well as saying no, I’m going to tell her that I don’t want to see her anymore. She has tried the emotional blackmail about raising me etc that some others have used here and it just sickens me. Hearing others use the same guilt tripping has just made it feel even worse, so you’ve helped, but not as you intended.

I want to get on with my life with people I can trust and she isn’t in that group anymore. She’s made her choices and will have to deal with them herself.

I kinda agree with you until you said 'the consequence for her affair was losing her relationship with your dad'.

While that is true, the consequence of her affair was losing her husband but also breaking up her family, not considering how this would affect her children, what it would do to her own life etc.

Affairs are further reaching that just the two people in the marriage and unfortunately for OP's mum she found that out the hard way.

Irrespective of your reasons for saying no (which I completely agree with), there's really no reason to trust her to be more sensible with this handout than she was with the lump sum when she divorced. So from a practical perspective, this money is probably just delaying whatever comes next.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and you're right to concentrate on your sister and your own family. Her actions caused these completely predictable consequences.

Sorry to hear that. Never speaking to your mum again is a very hard thing to endure even when they have caused you so much pain. There’s no magic wand to erase the past. I fear you will hold this pain in your heart long term.

I've survived a lot of awful people 🤷‍♀️ - i wish your mum the same grit, she needs it.

I’ve seen her 5 times in the last 5 years. I dread seeing her so it’ll be better just cutting her off completely. I wish she wouldn’t have done it and our family was as it was before, but she did, and the best thing is to just move on without her. My dad is happy again and we are all doing well without her now. I should have cut her off before now but better late than never.

Thanks all. I wrongly feel like I’m £9k richer so might treat myself. 😅

You seem to have it in for the OP, not sure why. Maybe you have had / are having an affair and so sympathise more with the mum's position? Either way it doesn't really matter, I'm just curious as to why the OP should have to ignore her morals and give money to an untrustworthy person who has proved to be a money waster and a family heart breaker simply because she's her mum. If it was a friend who had cheated and been so useless with money, no one would expect her to lend it to them. Blood isn't always a reason to turn a blind eye to bad behaviour.

How can I have it in for the op, I dont know them? 🙄

I gave Frank advice which was met with abuse. No need for it.

Every family has its own dynamic, but I think even if my mum murdered someone, I would keep her as a fugitive in my home to protect her.

My dad did cheat and life went back to normal pretty soon; society forgives men.

That's a really difficult decision. You'll get all sorts of answers here with all sorts of reasons.

Personally i wouldn't give her the money based on the fact that she caused the situation through being utterly irresponsible with her own financial security, and giving her the money likely won't solve her problems anyway. This money would be a gift (not a loan) and i can almost guarantee she'll be back begging for more when it runs out - do you say no then, or no now? Better to say no now imho. Give her the details for citizens advice.

The whole affair thing is a separate matter, but obviously has a bearing on your feelings towards helping her. The affair partner is clearly using her, and i think that's the fitting punishment, you don't need to add any punishment on top. I'm willing to bet he whole thing is about to fall apart when the money runs out and shit gets real, and it's best if you stay well out of it.

Once she's learnt the true consequenses and has to properly face the reality she created, then maybe you can help her out and try to build a relationship.

The poster didn’t tell the OP to turn a blind eye.

I don’t think they offered an opinion too dissimilar to mine although it was worded differently.

Their post was met with a personal and unpleasant reply though and I believe the subsequent response was in keeping.

For me? The OP has to do what is right for them of course. It is up to them whether or not to have contact with their mother - and if continual punishment or disdain would have been the way forward? Then they have made the right choice in going no contact - for both them and their mother.

Sadly, the smiley face at being ‘£9k richer’ has confirmed my feeling that punishment would have been the way forward.

The mother made a dreadful mistake and admitted to it. They have to live with their choice and the consequences.

They shouldn’t have to live with scorn and nastiness for the rest of their days.

My own dad was a cheater, and had he ever asked, I would not have lent him a penny, but that was more to do with the relationship I had with him when I was a child.
So for me, it would entirely depend on the relationship I had with that parent.
Affairs happen, and unless nastiness or cruelty to the other parent was involved, I don't think it would affect my judgement on whether I would help them or not.

What nonsense.

Would you say that if it was her father who had cheated? I would probably cut my mother (or my father!) off under those circumstances.

What was rubbish about what I said? The op is an adult, their mum made a mistake in marriage and they've cut them out of their life for it - and then sent people to personally attack me for telling them straight. Only one of us here is the one chatting rubbish, and it ain't me.

I think, given the way you feel about your mum, you have made the right decision.
Move on.

I'm not just talking about this thread. However, you are also wrong for telling OP she shouldn't cut her mum off. That's her decision, not yours, and it's completely valid.

Good for you, you've done the right thing. She has a cheek trying to blackmail you. What a cheeky mare. Focus on your lovely dad and ignore your mother. The hilarious thing is that the people on here giving you a hard time would be clapping and high fiving you if it was your dad who had cheated and wanted to borrow money. And they would be correct to do so.

The op asked for opinions

I offered the opinion that they are being unreasonable. Which is what they ask?

I dont care whether or not you like my opinions, but to personally attack me is unnecessary tbh

I don't believe for a second that youre superior enough to me to be acting this superior, i'm afraid

You're very brave for taking this principled decision. Well done. 🙂

Holding up a dolphin - who we are not clear on who killed -- and having sex with a pig is all animal cruelty - the bread and butter of some groups of laddish young men and are the same. Eating animals and wearing leather is also animal cruelty.

The woman married young and now her marriage was ending - i advised her to involve her parents who could've been a support in this time to get to the root of what was going on.

I dont think thats really your issue with me though tbh ...

And, i dont think harassing me is sensible. Its unnecessary and a bit off.