AIBU to feel angry after my ex took the car back?

[Walkerss]

So 3 years ago my ex left me for somebody else, I have finally got to a place where I am happy, the kids are happy and all is going well.

when we were a couple we made an agreement that I would pay nursery fees and he would pay the finance on my car. Obviously since the split there have been constant threats to take the car and last night he turned up and demanded the keys. I gave them to him and instantly felt relieved that he didn’t have anything else on me. However school is quite a drive away since I moved area and I told him I wouldn’t be able to take them to school. His response was, not my problem, I can take them on my days so it’s nothing to do with him.

how can he be so evil?! At least warn me so I had time to get a car. I hate him!

That’s unfair.

The car was bought for OP and he left the car with OP so that his children aren’t impacted.

Its ok for him to change his mind if he’s struggling financially etc but most decent parents would put their kids and kids education before their own needs and at the very least give OP time to buy a new one.

Perhaps you’re not a parent (or very good one) which is why this is difficult for you to understand.

@Walkerss People giving you a hard time are missing the point that you paid for the nursery fees and him the car as a joint financial decision so you were effectively paying for the car too.

The hindsight observation was that you should have put the car in your name at the time. You both paid for a joint expense but he ended up with a tangible asset and you didn’t.

Was there a written agreement? Otherwise you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Surely in the divorce agreement the marital assets were split. The assets would include the cars?
either way this coming to your house and demanding keys sounds like a dick move, designed to get you where it hurts, without a care for his children.

Sorry OP, that must be massively inconvenient and a real pain to sort.

But it demonstrates once again, how important it is to get a proper legal agreement over finances when you split and have everything in writing. What someone says or agrees right after a split (especially if they’re feeling guilty) just doesn’t hold up as the years roll by. You should have had the car transferred over and, if he wouldn’t agree, have put in a claim for nursery fees.

Not only do you protect yourself from losses like this, but you remove the emotional tie too.

He's been a twat.
Cancel the insurance.

How far away have you moved and how soon can you get a new car? Does he have any say in where they go to school or could you switch them to a local one?

Unfortunately it is NOT your car. You might be the registered keeper, but as the finance was in his name then the car belongs to him. Even though you have maintained it for 3 years, he is still the owner.

But waiting until term starts then taking the car that he doesn't even need makes him an absolute arsehole.

How old are the kids? Can you move them to a more local school?

You are going to need to find a solution quickly. Have you already contacted the school and let them know what has happened?

It's rubbish that he took the car with no warning because it impacts the children.
But he has threatened to take the car a number of times and you have been separated for three years. So I'm surprised you didn't get a car in your own name much earlier. I think the safest bet is to never trust an ex.

So if it was paid before you split then how was he " paying the finance " on the car as you said in the op

I think he has made so many empty threats that the op is blindsided he has actually taken it .

Cancel the insurance ASAP.

Find yourself a cheap run around and be so glad he can't hold the car over you anymore .

You should have refused and told him to stick to the original agreement.

But yes, he's a prick to do that to you. Did it really come out of the blue? Is it in retaliation for something (like you not doing what he says re childcare arrangements?)

Exactly how I saw it too. He may be legally entitled, but they made an agreement, OP kept up her part, so morally he’s an arse. Doesn’t care how his children are going to get to school? What a prince.

So I don’t think YABU as he sounds like a petty selfish twat who’s point scoring at the expense of his children’s education.

But I do think it should serve as a bit of a life lesson to us all- and I am always astonished by how some people (mainly women) accept being put in a vulnerable position so willingly. Of course he wanted the car in his name and to pay that rather than the nursery fees- legally it is his, he’s acquired an asset and you haven’t. Wouldn’t it have made sense for him to pay the nursery, and you pay for the car if he had one already? Why didn’t he put it into your name once the fees were paid off?

I think we as women need to understand that if you want the security of a house your name needs to be on the deeds/ rental agreement, if you want to make sure you keep the car it needs to be in your name. Don’t be screwed over financially because you’re bullied into thinking it’s normal/ not making a fuss.

I'd love to hear his side of this.

Is the car in your name. Who has all the paperwork?

invoice him for the nursery fees and the MOT’s etc

Yes. He’s a controlling wanker. But because it’s in his name it was inevitable really. He has nothing to hold over you now. Try to have as little contact with him as possible and make sure he is paying enough maintenance. You’ll be better off once this situation is sorted. Could you save any money on insurance and car maintenance by using public transport?

Obviously since the split there have been constant threats to take the car

At least warn me so I had time to get a car.

He did warn you, threatening constantly to take it to me is a warning. The car is in his name so he has every right to take it back after 3 years of not being together. Most men would have taken it straight away. You had 3 years to save for your own car.

He's a nasty dick, OP - please learn from this.
Note the original financial agreement you made with him when you were together. He pays for your car - he has an asset at the end of it (albeit a depreciating one). You pay for nursery fees - that money is just gone.
He made sure he was paying for a) something tangible that that had value at the end, and worse, b) something that he could hold over you/ take away from you.
Which he's now done.
What are your options on getting another car/ getting your DC to school in the meantime?

He could have given notice though, I think that's more the problem. He could have given a months notice for example. @Walkerss has been paying to maintain the car all this time so it's still in good condition.

Also the 'not my problem' is just horrible. They're his kids even when they're not with him.

I agree he's entitled to take it back, but if he actually cared about his kis more than getting one over on OP he'd have given her time to sort something else. He can't drive two cars at one time so it was a reasonable expectation the agreement was continuing as long as OP was paying all the costs associated with it. He's not out of pocket.

This makes no sense, the OP said that her ex paid the finance, so she is not effectively paying for it all

she paid for a service which was consumed at the time and he paid for a deprecating asset that she had use of

the unfair part is that he now’s the asset back but the service must still be paid for somehow.

It’s been 3 years and Op mentions taking the kids to school, so if kids are in school and there’s not nursery fees now they both held up their end of the bargain. As for an invoice for the MOT, if she sent that maybe he might counter that with a rental fee?

And this.

Why’s that?