AIBU to feel hurt my adult child never offers to buy tea?

[Pleasant1234]

To feel annoyed that my adult child has never once bought me a coffee / tea?

I’ve just received a life limiting diagnosis and I am hyper fixated on this (appreciate it may be that my brain is using this as a distraction).

This has always been the case since they left home 6 years ago but for a couple of years I’ve been quite annoyed that they always expect me to pay when we meet up. I’ve done all sort of things (except actually speak up honestly - I know, I know) I’ve sort of held back when it comes to paying to the point that it’s uncomfortable and I’ve stopped suggesting meeting outside anywhere and nothing has changed. So I’ve just limited how often I meet them somewhere where I’ll be expected to pay and hog on with life.

But now, I just had this thought that struck me, I might actually die having never had my adult child (who I think I was a good Mum to and don’t think they would argue with that) want to treat me to a hot drink or piece of cake and I feel so sad. I can’t say anything now of course but I just used to enjoy treating my Mum to things and she certainly didn’t put as much effort into Motherhood as I did. Their partner does things like this for their Mum as well, absolutely no jealousy but it’s not a lack of seeing it. I don’t know why my child never wanted to do that for me. There’s no hidden trauma or slow release of info and they ask me for plenty of favours that I acquiesce to and ask for zero in return. I have never fallen out with them or expressed displeasure at a single thing they’ve done as an adult. Tell them I’m proud etc. I think I’ve just always seemed capable to them (because I am) and therefore it just never occurred to them but I feel let down. I know that’s unreasonable because I should have tackled it before now.

Help me not let this bother me.

I would rather just spend time with people 🤷‍♀️

I have absolutely no interest in gifts - monetary or otherwise. Of course if someone sends me something or buys me something I will say thank you but I’d much rather they didn’t bother.

You have mentioned a few times that you never ask for your needs (or desires) to be met by anybody else.

I think that perhaps, especially with you recent diagnosis, this should change.

Start saying "No I'm not okay and I really need to talk about it" when somebody asks if you're okay. Start asking for a lift to the hospital, and for your offspring to come to the appointment with you because it's scary and it's better with a loved one with you. They might even need to take some leave from work to do it, and whilst they won't be able to do it every week, an occasional half or full day of holiday being used because your mum is having a hard time is a perfectly normal thing that people do for their mums. And start telling your child(ren?) that you expect them to pay for coffee and cake or meals out occasionally.

Im not saying that you have to be transactional, but surely the point of this thread - and there have been a few others here in recent days. Is that children, especially adult children should be expected to pay for a cup of tea occasionally.
Of course love and care can be shown in many different ways. I have definitely not "paid my way" with my parents. But I've never shown myself up either. It could be an Irish thing too as someone else mentioned.

Someone was saying you cant get a cup of tea and a cake for less than £10, well if you cant pay for it dont expect your parents to. Especially every single time.

An adult family member and their partner was taken on a fully paid AI holiday by their mother. They went for a walk and stopped at a beachside bar, they bought themselves and their partner a drink and then left the mother her to go up and order and pay for her own drink. Seem like some here would think this is reasonable as she had more money and invited them on holiday 🙄

Do they know about your financial situation? They probably assume that you are more flush than you are so think that they don't need to offer to pay.

Tell them that money is tight and see what their reaction will be. "I would love to meet up for a drink and cake but am watching the pennies, how about we take it in turns to pay from now on?"

Say nothing and nothing will change. Your children are not mind-readers.

It wouldn’t be forced or hollow and it wouldn’t be a gesture. The adult child just isn’t thinking. When you approach the café, go to the seat and say “I’d like a large latte please with a slice of coffee cake. I will find is a table”. Or when the bill comes “I think I’d like you to treat me this time”.

My adult son has done very well in life through hard work and always pays without hesitation, in fact he pre-empts anyone else paying. But nowadays he gives up time to help me especially with the garden, so recently he accepted that I paid for the meal.

I don’t get this idea of older parents always paying for their adult children. Isn’t it a parent’s job to bring up their children to become independent adults?
Of course, there is still room for treats.

My son has just started but was a student for a long time so I was happy to pay and when he first started earning. I think it took a while until I bought my parents stuff. You can get stuck in roles. It isn’t lack of love it’s the parent child dynamic that takes a while to break. My dad in his 80s still wants to pay for everything and has to be persuaded not to

OP what are you afraid will happen if you talk about it with your DC?

OP- is your child a generous person generally? If find some people naturally are/aren’t, even if they have been raised the same way. One of my children is generous to a fault, the other one really not so much. I think you said your DC was a parent- are they generous to their own children?

I can’t imagine speaking to anyone like that.

It’s funny patterns you fall into with parents, mum is also in the camp of not letting me buy food out, but since dad died she once mournfully said to me she thought she’d have to start buying her own perfume again which she had t done for 55 years and since then I’ve always made sure I keep an eye on the level in her bottle and get her more when it gets low, and eg sent her recently a treat hamper when she was stuck in bed with flu, or a new slippers when I saw hers had holes in, so I do try and even things up

I think some of this is a wealth and also maybe a class thing.
The “I would never dream of letting my children spend a penny on me” parents are in the situation where they can spend freely on treats. The money for their children’s Sunday roast isn’t coming out of the pot for rent, or Christmas, or annual holiday. It would otherwise just be sitting in the bank, so it makes sense to spend it.

When you are on a budget, and balancing money spent on X vs money spent on Y, a treat really IS a treat. And so sharing the cost becomes meaningful.

OP, two questions:

1. do your children actually know what your financial situation is?
2. who are your children’s friends / social circle? Do they mix with families with wealthier parents / grandparents?

I never ‘went without’ as a child, and grew up with a vague notion that my parents had a plenty of money, or at least could afford more or less whatever we wanted. It was only after one of them died that I learned what their finances were like and that they were actually very modest… they just used to spend a large portion of it on us as children.

Alongside this, I have a friend who lives the same ‘normal’ low-key lifestyle as me, who once casually mentioned her father giving her £5000 for Christmas. That’s 5x my mum’s entire Christmas budget! That’s definitely a family where parents pay for everything - meals out, holidays, etc.
When I first met her at age 20 as students, I didn’t immediately see that we’re from totally different backgrounds in terms of wealth. I thought her parents were just a lot more generous than mine!

Maybe your children mix with others who have parents who are better off, and given that you have never expressed concern about money or failed to pay, they are under the impression that you are well off and that the family norm of friends applies to you too?

It's hard to know what the dynamic is from the outside but what I would say is that I would also feel disappointed too, and that's not a wrong emotion, it's the truth of it. It will help you to transform your relationship with your child in a new and hopefully beneficial way, IF you choose to express these emotions. I mean it doesn't have to be said in a harsh way or a way to completely guilt trip them. You could test the water and say something like "next weekend would you like to treat your old mum to a cup of tea. I'd really love that, and would love to spend time with you". You might even want to tell them how you're feeling that day. I can understand that as a mum you probably don't want to worry or burden them but I think it's good to teach your kids at least a bit that you have emotions too - not just perhaps positive, stoic ones (if that's only what they see).

I wonder if they just haven't thought to do this for you also because they assume you'd say no (as you've been very generous and thoughtful in the past and perhaps they have picked up on those stoic vibes and not vibes of you wanting to be nurtured).

Are there other ways they have made you feel appreciated at all? Have you shown them how you like to be appreciated? From a personal perspective, with some people close to me I've literally had to spell it out. Which as someone who is very thoughtful felt difficult, but I've learned now that it doesn't mean they don't love me.

If nothing else, you owe it to them to teach them better manners and more consideration. It's your job to nudge them into being better adults by giving them feedback on how their behaviour makes you feel.

So your parents don’t gift you meals, coffee, days out etc? I don’t understand what your pint it then.

You have a good loving relationship.
I am trying to wrack my brains to remember if I ever bought DM lunch. I am not sure. 😳 I don’t remember, it wasn’t intentional. She is gone now. I did buy her presents and was helpful in many ways, just not with money.
I don’t think your daughter is doing it to be mean.

They do, but that’s their choice. I certainly don’t expect it off them and always offer to pay but to date it’s never been accepted.

My point was that you don’t need someone to spend money on you to show that they care - there are so many other ways to do that. All this stuff how children should be offering to pay for X to show how much they care is just performative bollocks imo.

Why do people need gifts or money from people in order to know they care?

Maybe you should ask your parents why they give you stuff? That might help you understand. Have you told them you don't want it?

I know why they do it and I’ve told them multiple times it’s not necessary but it’s not like I can stop them - nor would I necessarily want to if it makes them happy.

FWIW I have autism and have always hated any kind of surprise or gift, it just throws me completely and makes me really uncomfortable. My dad is also autistic and his view is he doesn’t want to me to pay anymore IHT than is necessary so he gives me his full tax free gift allowance every year.

So I’ve learnt to accept his gift for what it is and he doesn’t put pressure on me by buying me or gifting me other things.

It's the exchanges that are based on social interactions where I expect them to step up not the lump sum transfers and it might not make much sense to you, but when we are out at the pub, cafe or restaurant (and we go out at least twice a week) I expect them occasionally to volunteer to buy a round of drinks, they are earning a good salary - they don't have many outgoings, it feels rude for them to come out with us as often as they do and not buy a drink.

I mean, it makes sense to me in a logical way, but it just wouldn’t be the “done thing” in my family.

@Pleasant1234 I am so sorry you are ill. I can see why this would upset you.
You have reminded me about the way my late father and I used to fight over the bill in a cafe or restaurant- both wanting to pay.
I still pretend to go to the loo and pay the bill in a sneaky fashion years after he died. Learned behaviour.
Is there someone you can tell this to who could HEAVILY SUGGEST that taking you out would be a nice gesture

I treat my Mum all the time. If we go somewhere for lunch or a frappe, coffee etc I always pay. She's on a low income and while I'm not rich I think it's the decent thing to do. Last week I bought her a new garden chair, massive candle and a few other bits. I like her to have the things that make her happy.

Yes, just to echo I am sorry about your illness OP.

Can only offer some practical strategies:

1. point blank stop meeting in public spaces and just go to their home or yours
2. arrive before them, order yours and pay for it. Tell them to head to the counter or order their own when they arrive
3. if they suggest meeting up somewhere then tell them you can’t afford it, ask them what they suggest
4. tell them directly that you’d like to share costs when you go out or socialize at home only. It’s up to them to choose
5. in the cheapest place make a point of telling them to get the bill or forget your purse, Paddington Bear Stare…

This has all made for very interesting reading thank you. And thank you to those that wished me well.

I don’t know how some of you do the whole ‘it’s your turn I think.’ I think I must have been raised differently (wrongly) because the very notion of having to say those things to someone feels so confrontational to me and I know it shouldn’t. I have always shrunk myself. I have always wanted to be the least amount of trouble to anyone and it’s quite sad actually. I don’t know why I am that way but I do know it’s not normal. For example: if someone is paying for me I am absolutely not choosing the most expensive drink or meal. I am making my drink last in the pub etc. I don’t do without as such but I certainly don’t feel comfortable accepting things. A few years ago, my Mum offered to pay for me / my siblings and our children to have a meal and gave us her card to go and pay. My nieces ordered things that I knew my Mum wouldn’t expect to be so expensive and it made me feel sick. I can’t explain why, I knew she could afford it (with 100% certainly) but I felt so sorry for her in that moment that I quietly ordered my own and paid for it myself to lower the cost. Why? Who knows really. I could tell a friend that they deserved to have their meal paid for if it had been offered and that their parent knew when they offered that it may be expensive but when it came to real life and me I just felt bad and I couldn’t take my own advice. My child wouldn’t think twice about having multiple drinks with their food, or the most expensive items on the menu. I don’t think there is a more expensive drink on the menu than the one they order when we’re out. I don’t even know if they would do that if I wasn’t there and paying (even though I never offered) because they’ve never invited me out or paid even for themselves when I’ve been there.

Some people have accused me of being a bit transactional and saying that money isn’t the only way to show that you care. I get that and I understand why you would mention it. I think this is the only time that my child has the opportunity to show any desire to treat me in any way because I am so independent there’s no way they could ‘help’ me with anything. Not that there’s been any sort of offer but anyway that’s a different matter. There certainly isn’t any of the things some of you mentioned like treating your Mum to a present just because or a day out etc. it’s hard to explain if it’s not what you do but if I saw something my Mum or Dad would have liked and could afford it I would have bought it. I made food for them and dropped it off (not often) but because I wanted to. I just don’t think it has ever occurred to my child that I would appreciate anything like that and I’ve no idea why to be honest. I think they have told themselves money is tight for them but in my opinion they don’t understand what that actually means because when money is tight for me I stay in, I walk to save fuel. For them, it’s still eating out and booking concerts etc but maybe slightly less than before. So I do take on board the comment about costs and how they might be struggling but also am sure that my £3 tea / coffee is affordable to them if they wanted to pay. I am quite strict with myself so they could be confident I wouldn’t grab an expensive treat and end up with a large bill.

Anyway, I doubt I will say anything so I’ve decided to maybe ask for other things that will make me feel more appreciated, like physical help. Because there’s no precedent I think it will be an easier ask. I just need to decide what and how to ask. It’s difficult because to date I’ve been fitter, stronger and more independent than them but I need to show some softness and vulnerability I think.