Page 10 | AIBU to feel hurt my adult child never offers to buy tea?

Pleasant1234 · 2026-09-08T18:22:48+00:00

To feel annoyed that my adult child has never once bought me a coffee / tea? I’ve just received a life limiting diagnosis and I am hyper fixated on this (appreciate it may be that my brain is using this as a distraction). This has always been the case since they left home 6 years ago but for a couple of years I’ve been quite annoyed that they always expect me to pay when we meet up. I’ve done all sort of things (except actually speak up honestly - I know, I know) I’ve sort of held back when it comes to paying to the point that it’s uncomfortable and I’ve stopped suggesting meeting outside anywhere and nothing has changed. So I’ve just limited how often I meet them somewhere where I’ll be expected to pay and hog on with life. But now, I just had this thought that struck me, I might actually die having never had my adult child (who I think I was a good Mum to and don’t think they would argue with that) want to treat me to a hot drink or piece of cake and I feel so sad. I can’t say anything now of course but I just used to enjoy treating my Mum to things and she certainly didn’t put as much effort into Motherhood as I did. Their partner does things like this for their Mum as well, absolutely no jealousy but it’s not a lack of seeing it. I don’t know why my child never wanted to do that for me. There’s no hidden trauma or slow release of info and they ask me for plenty of favours that I acquiesce to and ask for zero in return. I have never fallen out with them or expressed displeasure at a single thing they’ve done as an adult. Tell them I’m proud etc. I think I’ve just always seemed capable to them (because I am) and therefore it just never occurred to them but I feel let down. I know that’s unreasonable because I should have tackled it before now. Help me not let this bother me.

Original poster

Pleasant1234 · 09/09/2026 21:53

whistlesandbells · 09/09/2026 18:35

Yes, just to echo I am sorry about your illness OP.

Can only offer some practical strategies:

point blank stop meeting in public spaces and just go to their home or yours
arrive before them, order yours and pay for it. Tell them to head to the counter or order their own when they arrive
if they suggest meeting up somewhere then tell them you can’t afford it, ask them what they suggest
tell them directly that you’d like to share costs when you go out or socialize at home only. It’s up to them to choose
in the cheapest place make a point of telling them to get the bill or forget your purse, Paddington Bear Stare…

Thank you. If I go to theirs there is no offer of a cuppa. If they come to mine it often spans hours and hours and I am tied to the house then making endless hot drinks and food. It’s easier to meet up but more costly. I sound like a right nasty piece of work, I know.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pleasant1234 · 09/09/2026 21:54

Pureclass · 09/09/2026 08:49

Im not saying that you have to be transactional, but surely the point of this thread - and there have been a few others here in recent days. Is that children, especially adult children should be expected to pay for a cup of tea occasionally.
Of course love and care can be shown in many different ways. I have definitely not "paid my way" with my parents. But I've never shown myself up either. It could be an Irish thing too as someone else mentioned.

Someone was saying you cant get a cup of tea and a cake for less than £10, well if you cant pay for it dont expect your parents to. Especially every single time.

An adult family member and their partner was taken on a fully paid AI holiday by their mother. They went for a walk and stopped at a beachside bar, they bought themselves and their partner a drink and then left the mother her to go up and order and pay for her own drink. Seem like some here would think this is reasonable as she had more money and invited them on holiday 🙄

This is eerily like some situations I’ve faced.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pleasant1234 · 09/09/2026 21:58

toastycold · 09/09/2026 08:59

OP what are you afraid will happen if you talk about it with your DC?

That they’ll be hurt or embarrassed I suppose.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pleasant1234 · 09/09/2026 22:11

MimiGC · 09/09/2026 09:18

OP- is your child a generous person generally? If find some people naturally are/aren’t, even if they have been raised the same way. One of my children is generous to a fault, the other one really not so much. I think you said your DC was a parent- are they generous to their own children?

I’m not actually sure. They buy presents for me that are done on the cheap. You know, stuff that you could never say is personal to you as a person (and I’m really easy to buy for) I feel awful saying that but they always say ‘it’s not much…’ like they want me to say ‘oh don’t worry..’ but it’s a bit of a farce really as they do buy one another very thoughtful and expensive things and nice things for their home. I also am very easy to buy for relatively cheaply.

I can’t say that it bothers me though, I am not one for gifts really. I don’t need grand gestures. Just the odd cuppa would do. I think they may have convinced themselves that it’s perfectly reasonable to be frugal with everyone around them and hint that they’re watching their pennies whilst eating out more than us and generally spending more money on ‘fun’ than us. I don’t know what else to say because it sounds like I’m really digging into them but I’m actually just being honest.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pleasant1234 · 09/09/2026 22:24

mopandsmiff · 09/09/2026 09:44

I think some of this is a wealth and also maybe a class thing.
The “I would never dream of letting my children spend a penny on me” parents are in the situation where they can spend freely on treats. The money for their children’s Sunday roast isn’t coming out of the pot for rent, or Christmas, or annual holiday. It would otherwise just be sitting in the bank, so it makes sense to spend it.

When you are on a budget, and balancing money spent on X vs money spent on Y, a treat really IS a treat. And so sharing the cost becomes meaningful.

OP, two questions:

do your children actually know what your financial situation is?
who are your children’s friends / social circle? Do they mix with families with wealthier parents / grandparents?

I never ‘went without’ as a child, and grew up with a vague notion that my parents had a plenty of money, or at least could afford more or less whatever we wanted. It was only after one of them died that I learned what their finances were like and that they were actually very modest… they just used to spend a large portion of it on us as children.

Alongside this, I have a friend who lives the same ‘normal’ low-key lifestyle as me, who once casually mentioned her father giving her £5000 for Christmas. That’s 5x my mum’s entire Christmas budget! That’s definitely a family where parents pay for everything - meals out, holidays, etc.
When I first met her at age 20 as students, I didn’t immediately see that we’re from totally different backgrounds in terms of wealth. I thought her parents were just a lot more generous than mine!

Maybe your children mix with others who have parents who are better off, and given that you have never expressed concern about money or failed to pay, they are under the impression that you are well off and that the family norm of friends applies to you too?

Edited

Their IL’s are more secure but I have tried to explain that couples that buy houses together and stay together for life are likely to be more stable because they bought when house prices were cheap and the mortgages which are a huge portion of salaries are paid off. They didn’t need to split everything and start again. I don’t know for sure but I assume if they’re with their IL’s that they offer to pay which may be skewing how they view what I offer. But my life isn’t their life, we’re not the same and I’ve never claimed to be.

OP posts:

99bottlesofkombucha · 09/09/2026 22:28

Pleasant1234 · 09/09/2026 22:11

I’m not actually sure. They buy presents for me that are done on the cheap. You know, stuff that you could never say is personal to you as a person (and I’m really easy to buy for) I feel awful saying that but they always say ‘it’s not much…’ like they want me to say ‘oh don’t worry..’ but it’s a bit of a farce really as they do buy one another very thoughtful and expensive things and nice things for their home. I also am very easy to buy for relatively cheaply.

I can’t say that it bothers me though, I am not one for gifts really. I don’t need grand gestures. Just the odd cuppa would do. I think they may have convinced themselves that it’s perfectly reasonable to be frugal with everyone around them and hint that they’re watching their pennies whilst eating out more than us and generally spending more money on ‘fun’ than us. I don’t know what else to say because it sounds like I’m really digging into them but I’m actually just being honest.

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Please stop op. Stop justifying it. Stop explaining it away. You’ve realised they are stingy and selfish. Acknowledge this. Decide what to do about it. First step is you can meet them out for coffee and say firmly now I think this one is your shout, you’re old enough to know I’m not a wealthy woman and you spend enough on yourself that I’m a bit done with this mum can always buy attitude. Your partner doesn’t do this to their parents.

OneNewEagle · 09/09/2026 23:40

Pleasant1234 · 09/09/2026 21:53

Thank you. If I go to theirs there is no offer of a cuppa. If they come to mine it often spans hours and hours and I am tied to the house then making endless hot drinks and food. It’s easier to meet up but more costly. I sound like a right nasty piece of work, I know.

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Now that is selfish. If you go to their house they should make you a drink you are a guest and their mum.

this is in line with my DPs family who are very weird about this stuff. At their houses we get offered nothing. We’ve left after three hours and had to go to a local garage for a cold drink as still an hours drive home. If they come to ours they expect everything. I am now NC with them and my DP sees them once in a blue moon. As we have been used enough over the years.

next time they come to your house what would happen if you don’t make them a drink. Would they just make their own?

Anonyanonay · 10/09/2026 00:29

Pleasant1234 · 09/09/2026 21:53

Thank you. If I go to theirs there is no offer of a cuppa. If they come to mine it often spans hours and hours and I am tied to the house then making endless hot drinks and food. It’s easier to meet up but more costly. I sound like a right nasty piece of work, I know.

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No, you're not the one that sounds like a right nasty piece of work in this scenario.

Anonyanonay · 10/09/2026 00:30

Pleasant1234 · 09/09/2026 21:58

That they’ll be hurt or embarrassed I suppose.

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But they deserve to feel hurt and embarrassed. And it will do them good in the longer run. It's sad you can't see this as you're currently doing them a disservice by allowing them to treat you like this.

OvernightBloats · 10/09/2026 05:32

Not offering you a drink when you visit?! This is such bad manners. Why haven't you pointed out to them that this is really rude. One of them is your child and you should say something - teaching someone to be a good person doesn't stop when they are 18.

Your child is not only thoughtless but is stingy, miserly and a taker. You sound lovely, your child not so much.

hifriend · 10/09/2026 06:50

Pleasant1234 · 09/09/2026 21:53

Thank you. If I go to theirs there is no offer of a cuppa. If they come to mine it often spans hours and hours and I am tied to the house then making endless hot drinks and food. It’s easier to meet up but more costly. I sound like a right nasty piece of work, I know.

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I do it myself, OP, but it makes me feel sad to see you put yourself down in such harsh terms. You don't sound nasty, you just sound worn down by the lack of give and take which is very understandable. Not being offered a drink in someone's house I find unbearably rude and I'm not someone who feels the need to stay hydrated! It always makes me feel like the person I'm visiting doesn't want me there. And hosting is hard work especially if it goes on longer than you thought it would. I would stop making food when they visit.

Theatreobsessed · 10/09/2026 07:32

Do they have their child/children with them when you meet up? They might think it’s easier for you to go order than them juggling the kids. Not really an excuse but a possible reason for them waiting for you to order.
I do also think young people are far worse off than older people earning the same amount of money. Rents and mortgages are ridiculous these days and if they have kids they might not feel they can justify paying for coffee and cake in the same way they can justify a holiday which I’m assuming was more for your grandkids benefit than theirs.

I think you are being affected by your diagnosis and it’s clouding how you feel with it all. It is understandable and obviously it’s nice to have them offer to treat you too.

im lucky my 19 year old already checks whether they are paying for their food or I am if we get food when out but I’ll always try and treat them where i can.

maybe next birthday or Christmas if they ask what you want say ‘I’d really love it if you could treat me to lunch’ and it might reframe in their head that it’s a thing that you would appreciate

Sunbringer · 10/09/2026 09:36

Pleasant1234 · 09/09/2026 21:48

This has all made for very interesting reading thank you. And thank you to those that wished me well.

I don’t know how some of you do the whole ‘it’s your turn I think.’ I think I must have been raised differently (wrongly) because the very notion of having to say those things to someone feels so confrontational to me and I know it shouldn’t. I have always shrunk myself. I have always wanted to be the least amount of trouble to anyone and it’s quite sad actually. I don’t know why I am that way but I do know it’s not normal. For example: if someone is paying for me I am absolutely not choosing the most expensive drink or meal. I am making my drink last in the pub etc. I don’t do without as such but I certainly don’t feel comfortable accepting things. A few years ago, my Mum offered to pay for me / my siblings and our children to have a meal and gave us her card to go and pay. My nieces ordered things that I knew my Mum wouldn’t expect to be so expensive and it made me feel sick. I can’t explain why, I knew she could afford it (with 100% certainly) but I felt so sorry for her in that moment that I quietly ordered my own and paid for it myself to lower the cost. Why? Who knows really. I could tell a friend that they deserved to have their meal paid for if it had been offered and that their parent knew when they offered that it may be expensive but when it came to real life and me I just felt bad and I couldn’t take my own advice. My child wouldn’t think twice about having multiple drinks with their food, or the most expensive items on the menu. I don’t think there is a more expensive drink on the menu than the one they order when we’re out. I don’t even know if they would do that if I wasn’t there and paying (even though I never offered) because they’ve never invited me out or paid even for themselves when I’ve been there.

Some people have accused me of being a bit transactional and saying that money isn’t the only way to show that you care. I get that and I understand why you would mention it. I think this is the only time that my child has the opportunity to show any desire to treat me in any way because I am so independent there’s no way they could ‘help’ me with anything. Not that there’s been any sort of offer but anyway that’s a different matter. There certainly isn’t any of the things some of you mentioned like treating your Mum to a present just because or a day out etc. it’s hard to explain if it’s not what you do but if I saw something my Mum or Dad would have liked and could afford it I would have bought it. I made food for them and dropped it off (not often) but because I wanted to. I just don’t think it has ever occurred to my child that I would appreciate anything like that and I’ve no idea why to be honest. I think they have told themselves money is tight for them but in my opinion they don’t understand what that actually means because when money is tight for me I stay in, I walk to save fuel. For them, it’s still eating out and booking concerts etc but maybe slightly less than before. So I do take on board the comment about costs and how they might be struggling but also am sure that my £3 tea / coffee is affordable to them if they wanted to pay. I am quite strict with myself so they could be confident I wouldn’t grab an expensive treat and end up with a large bill.

Anyway, I doubt I will say anything so I’ve decided to maybe ask for other things that will make me feel more appreciated, like physical help. Because there’s no precedent I think it will be an easier ask. I just need to decide what and how to ask. It’s difficult because to date I’ve been fitter, stronger and more independent than them but I need to show some softness and vulnerability I think.

Your parents probably somehow taught you to deprioritise yourself. Were they perhaps a little patriarchal? Dad and boys get the best plates, mum after then girls? I think that’s quite common for women to then grow up prioritising others to the extreme and to their detriment.

What have you done in work? Do you stand up for yourself there? Perhaps it’s time to try doing things differently - accept the discomfort of a few moments for the benefit of the longer term.

I do think it’s a bit shocking that your child doesn’t say thanks, never offers, has never taken you out, orders the most expensive things, doesn’t even make you tea at theirs. They seem to be a complete social idiot or else incredibly selfish and stingy.

I don’t offer to pay as much as I’d like because our income has dropped off a cliff. If I was able to afford meals out and concert tickets I’d buy my mums tea.

Sunbringer · 10/09/2026 09:37

Pleasant1234 · 09/09/2026 21:58

That they’ll be hurt or embarrassed I suppose.

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Ever think that they SHOULD be embarrassed? We learn from embarrassment how to be a better human. It’s your job to teach your child how to uphold your values.

JeanSimmons · 10/09/2026 09:54

Pleasant1234 · 08/09/2026 22:12

I’ve thought about this a lot. It isn’t always me. And I also think that asking someone casually if they want to come through or meet out of the house shouldn’t be an automatic obligation to pay or provide them with food. It’s a lot.

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I disagree with this. The person who asks should pay IMO. However, you say that your child sometimes asks, so they should probably pay when they do. I have to say my parents would never, ever let me pay. However, I do treat them to other things, so it evens out.

Makebelieveanotherlife · 10/09/2026 10:14

Well you’ve put them on a pedestal so that’s how they have turned out. Why can’t you say something or call them out on it.

JeanSimmons · 10/09/2026 10:28

Your posts are painting your child in a worse and worse light. With your initial post, I thought you were being petty, as my parents always pay for me when we go out. However, it seems as if your child doesn't even make you a cup of tea at home, which is on the extreme end of poor manners. How are they with their father, and what's his reaction to their behaviour.

Original poster

Pleasant1234 · 10/09/2026 10:30

JeanSimmons · 10/09/2026 09:54

I disagree with this. The person who asks should pay IMO. However, you say that your child sometimes asks, so they should probably pay when they do. I have to say my parents would never, ever let me pay. However, I do treat them to other things, so it evens out.

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How do you ever meet a friend for coffee if the person that suggests always pays? I just think offering to pay for your own should be more normal. The occasional, here’s the £5 for my drink / I’ll send you the £5 and then the other person has the option to say that it’s on them. I do wonder if many people are wondering around completely unaware that their friends and family think they’re a tight, piss taking bugger.

OP posts:

JeanSimmons · 10/09/2026 10:31

Pleasant1234 · 10/09/2026 10:30

How do you ever meet a friend for coffee if the person that suggests always pays? I just think offering to pay for your own should be more normal. The occasional, here’s the £5 for my drink / I’ll send you the £5 and then the other person has the option to say that it’s on them. I do wonder if many people are wondering around completely unaware that their friends and family think they’re a tight, piss taking bugger.

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Because sometimes I suggest and sometimes they do? It's not that complicated.

Original poster

Pleasant1234 · 10/09/2026 10:33

JeanSimmons · 10/09/2026 10:28

Your posts are painting your child in a worse and worse light. With your initial post, I thought you were being petty, as my parents always pay for me when we go out. However, it seems as if your child doesn't even make you a cup of tea at home, which is on the extreme end of poor manners. How are they with their father, and what's his reaction to their behaviour.

Have you even wondered if your parents say ‘ooh our Jean’s a tight bugger isn’t she?’ When they get home after seeing you? If you never offer then they might well be annoyed by you but their love overrides the desire to do anything about it (like me) or if you offer (which I suspect you’ll now say you do rendering your comment quite useless to me) then you aren’t actually in the same boat in any way, shape or form! They never offer to pay even for even their own let alone mine.

OP posts:

Justanopinionnothingmore · 10/09/2026 10:35

You are not unreasonable. I'm so sorry about your illness.

I treat my mum and dad very often. And I love to do it, as they do for me.

JeanSimmons · 10/09/2026 10:38

Pleasant1234 · 10/09/2026 10:33

Have you even wondered if your parents say ‘ooh our Jean’s a tight bugger isn’t she?’ When they get home after seeing you? If you never offer then they might well be annoyed by you but their love overrides the desire to do anything about it (like me) or if you offer (which I suspect you’ll now say you do rendering your comment quite useless to me) then you aren’t actually in the same boat in any way, shape or form! They never offer to pay even for even their own let alone mine.

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They treat because they are the parents and they like doing it. That said, I also treat them to things, make them meals, etc. They don't think I'm tight, it's just the way our family works. As I asked earlier, what does your husband think?

Makebelieveanotherlife · 10/09/2026 10:39

They are like this because you raised them to be this way. It’s clear as day in your posts op.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 10/09/2026 11:18

Are you really saying that they don't even offer you a cup of tea when you are their house, OP? That's really pathetic of them!

I think they have just never learned to give you any consideration at all, which must be very painful to you, but I don't think it's too late to turn things around, especially given your recent diagnosis.

You could say to them "you know, Tom/Mary, I'm really not very well at the moment and I could do with some love and support from you. I would love a cup of tea and a piece of cake, thanks"!

Just try it - they might be shocked, but it's important that you stand up for yourself now.

TheDenimPoet · 10/09/2026 11:26

Pleasant1234 · 08/09/2026 23:09

I imagine you’ve all had very stable family lives by the sounds of it. I know if had stayed with my 1st long term partner we would have paid off a mortgage on house worth lots of money by now. As it is, I started again in my 30’s so I’m not doing as well as some others my age. That’s not to say I’m struggling to buy a coffee but I think the ‘oldest pays’ makes sense if those people are clearly the wealthiest in the room. Although I do think there’s something nice about someone treating you now and again.

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Yeah, family has been stable for generations and I know I'm lucky for that. And it's exactly right that our oldest generation has most money, followed by my parents, then us, then the kids etc. As I said in my post, if you can't afford to cover him all the time then that's obviously different, and he either needs to read the room or have it read to him!