AIBU to feel hurt my adult child never offers to buy tea?

[Pleasant1234]

To feel annoyed that my adult child has never once bought me a coffee / tea?

I’ve just received a life limiting diagnosis and I am hyper fixated on this (appreciate it may be that my brain is using this as a distraction).

This has always been the case since they left home 6 years ago but for a couple of years I’ve been quite annoyed that they always expect me to pay when we meet up. I’ve done all sort of things (except actually speak up honestly - I know, I know) I’ve sort of held back when it comes to paying to the point that it’s uncomfortable and I’ve stopped suggesting meeting outside anywhere and nothing has changed. So I’ve just limited how often I meet them somewhere where I’ll be expected to pay and hog on with life.

But now, I just had this thought that struck me, I might actually die having never had my adult child (who I think I was a good Mum to and don’t think they would argue with that) want to treat me to a hot drink or piece of cake and I feel so sad. I can’t say anything now of course but I just used to enjoy treating my Mum to things and she certainly didn’t put as much effort into Motherhood as I did. Their partner does things like this for their Mum as well, absolutely no jealousy but it’s not a lack of seeing it. I don’t know why my child never wanted to do that for me. There’s no hidden trauma or slow release of info and they ask me for plenty of favours that I acquiesce to and ask for zero in return. I have never fallen out with them or expressed displeasure at a single thing they’ve done as an adult. Tell them I’m proud etc. I think I’ve just always seemed capable to them (because I am) and therefore it just never occurred to them but I feel let down. I know that’s unreasonable because I should have tackled it before now.

Help me not let this bother me.

I'm so sorry about your diagnosis, OP. You sound like a lovely person who hasn't had it easy and probably deserved more.

I'm possibly going to go against the grain here and say I dont think you (and other posters) should be adding to the pain by beating yourself up that you haven't raised them right.

My sibling is like this. My parents were not hard up but also not casual about money (my dad's business failed, lots of arguments about money, we didn't go abroad or have expensive things as children). It is only now in their 40s that they might offer to contribute to family dinners and I think only because they have seen their younger sister (me) pick up the bill. They're quite entitled in other ways too eg childcare. I was upset with 2 siblings when we treated our parents on a special birthday because they spent hundreds extra on drink which my parent then paid for(!!!). I didn't say anything though. I say this because we were raised the same so I don't think this can be blamed on my parents. Possibly I was more aware of finances because I was closer to my mum and she had much less money as my dad was financially controlling. But even so.

I think you are right that deep down they do know it's not ok and that's why they don't offer. Which suggests you have taught them what's right there's just a mental block there for them. I have observed in other families that people sometimes react oddly to any sense of obligation to do something eg getting a sibling nothing for a special birthday when their sibling had always spoiled them (think car for 21st). And it causes deep hurt and distance in the other person sadly. Some people only ever want to be 'generous' on their terms (eg my sibling will do extravagant flowers and cards on mother's/fathers day). Maybe they don't want to feel how much they owe you because they can never repay it all, not understanding that the gesture of cake is enough.

I hope your diagnosis will make them see you need taking care of too sometimes. I do think as my parents get older my sibling is slightly more inclined to make things more balanced. But also you are probably right that fixating on this is a distraction from your diagnosis. I am sometimes saddened by my sibling's tightness but they have other lovely qualities that I try to focus on instead. And it could always be worse. My cousin actually stole thousands from my uncle while he was in cancer treatment. I can't even imagine how painful that must have been.

I do hope you focus on looking after you for this next chapter and don't bend to their unspoken expectations of treats.

I dont buy for my dad...he's loaded and I'm skint. I do pay for my own though.

“Putting your handing pocket” isn’t the only way to show appreciation though. There are plenty of other ways you can show you care for someone.

OP the fact that you’ve been a great mum is why it’s like this. Being a parent is all give. Your child has rightly spent most of their life not being responsible for your emotions of care. Raising an emotionally healthy child means providing unconditional love and support for them. It takes some longer to step out of that role and mindset than others.

I see a lot of mothers who feel this way when their children get older, and since I had my DD I’ve spent a lot of time reading and reflecting on parenting. This issue comes up a lot in attachment theories: sadly, if your child takes you for granted you’ve done a good job of providing that stable foundation for them.

Of course adults should be more considerate, but even adults tend to regress when they return to the family dynamic!

If it makes you feel any better too, I don’t think I or my brother matured properly until our late twenties. Our mum would never let us pay for anything - but she’s about to retire and has made it clear that will change soon as she won’t have enough money! The tables are turning a bit now as she gets older and will need us more.

OP I’m sure your child loves you. You’re just understandably looking for reassurance right now. Try to find it where it is - I’m sure there is plenty of evidence - instead of wanting it where it isn’t.

Exactly!
I think some people have a really transactional view of relationships

It’s only the odd cup of tea - it’s hardly a burden!

Absolutely. We do a lot of help with things like driving to hospital appointments or doing DIY for them, for example. When it snows and FIL can’t get out we do his shopping and check in on him every day or collect his prescriptions when he’s sick.

Both my parents and DH’s parents have way more money than we’ll ever have in our lifetimes (unless we win the lottery!). I don’t feel bad that they buy us coffee or lunch a few times a year when we do plenty for them at other times.

But people are acting like you’re a right selfish fuck if you don’t buy your mum and dad the odd cup of tea - totally ignoring all the other ways you can show love, care and support for them.

I'm sorry for your diagnosis. I do think you are right that you might be fixating on this as a coping mechanism. i'm not judging - I recently lost a parent and I got so annoyed at a local facebook group post whinging about the council not litter picking that I drove across town and cleared their whole bloody street myself, which was not the actions of a sane mother of three 😂

I think you need to use your words with your offspring. For years my mum purchased our tea and coffee and cakes and meals out more often than I did, because frankly she has almost always had more disposable income than I. It's only been in recent years that I've bought more. They may be less able to afford it than you think, and/or after their whole childhood of you buying for them they may not have twigged that it's time for a new phase of a more equal adult division of responsibility. It doesn't need to be a big issue - just a chat with them that now that they are an adult with their own money you would appreciate them offering to buy more often.

Why aren’t you buying your parent the odd cup of tea though? It’s a very small token. If you don’t go out much together maybe you’re treating them in other ways - maybe you’re doing both and maybe it’s all flowing one way. Whatever you do, it’s on you not people commenting here.

It’s not for lack of trying - the last time I managed to buy something for them, my dad put the money back into my bank account the next day so I stopped bothering after that.

They have a LOT more money than I do. They don’t want me spending my limited income on treating them - they’d rather I spent it on other things.

Not all relationships are the same and it’s a bit frustrating to see people being labelled selfish or cheap or rude just because their family dynamics aren’t the same as other peoples’.

I don’t ever let my dad pay when we go out, I wouldn’t dream of expecting him to pay. Growing up my parents did so much for me this is just one small way of showing my appreciation.

You (and others) have entirely missed the point that in the circumstances the op is in she needs comfort and reassurance that her kids are great people who undoubtedly love her and enjoy spending time with her

It's also an IHT thing too. My parents like to spend on us while they are alive rather than seeing us spend the money and them just have a bigger IHT charge. So they regularly treat all 5 of us (and all their grandkids)

And, for the avoidance of doubt, I would rather see them spend their money enjoying their lives and I am not interested in an inheritance I would prefer them to live well.

Expecting your parents to always pay, not thinking about treating them, even to a cup of tea - is not showing care and love it’s taking all the time.

Yes this is what mine would do! And when he offered me petrol money in cash when I visited and I declined he just did a bank transfer!

Only if you think spending money is the only way to "give"

Do you enjoy receiving gifts?

Not particularly.

How about wording it like this, “name I know this is a bit silly but I would love it if you would sometimes buy me a tea when we are out and about, make me feel treated, love you. See you Wednesday…..”

But surely a forced, hollow gesture is just going to fall a bit flat?

So gifts only involve money for you - not time and effort or do you not like receiving anything from anyone?

I can see on the thread that people have beliefs about who pays, I think that it’s personal, no right or wrong way.

For me it’s fluid, me and my mum treat each other, I’m significantly better off than her, yet she likes to pay for meals to save me cooking when visiting, sometimes I wince at the cost and make sure to quietly reciprocate over the next few events.

It would be forced if you order and make them pay, this is a warm suggestion, not specific either.

Awww this is a tricky one isn't it !
They probs so used to it they just a bit thoughtless or takers some people are like that !
I'm super lucky I have a boy and a girl they always want to pay for the coffee or lunch but 9 X outta 10 I insist I pay because id rather they keep the money for themselves .
They are very thoughtful thou
Big hugs I hope you ok 🌺