AIBU to feel hurt my adult child never offers to buy tea?

[Pleasant1234]

To feel annoyed that my adult child has never once bought me a coffee / tea?

I’ve just received a life limiting diagnosis and I am hyper fixated on this (appreciate it may be that my brain is using this as a distraction).

This has always been the case since they left home 6 years ago but for a couple of years I’ve been quite annoyed that they always expect me to pay when we meet up. I’ve done all sort of things (except actually speak up honestly - I know, I know) I’ve sort of held back when it comes to paying to the point that it’s uncomfortable and I’ve stopped suggesting meeting outside anywhere and nothing has changed. So I’ve just limited how often I meet them somewhere where I’ll be expected to pay and hog on with life.

But now, I just had this thought that struck me, I might actually die having never had my adult child (who I think I was a good Mum to and don’t think they would argue with that) want to treat me to a hot drink or piece of cake and I feel so sad. I can’t say anything now of course but I just used to enjoy treating my Mum to things and she certainly didn’t put as much effort into Motherhood as I did. Their partner does things like this for their Mum as well, absolutely no jealousy but it’s not a lack of seeing it. I don’t know why my child never wanted to do that for me. There’s no hidden trauma or slow release of info and they ask me for plenty of favours that I acquiesce to and ask for zero in return. I have never fallen out with them or expressed displeasure at a single thing they’ve done as an adult. Tell them I’m proud etc. I think I’ve just always seemed capable to them (because I am) and therefore it just never occurred to them but I feel let down. I know that’s unreasonable because I should have tackled it before now.

Help me not let this bother me.

So it’s not the same then is it? You’re getting the brunt of my frustration I’m afraid. But there has been comment after comment about how ‘my parents pay, it’s only right, they would never let me pay.’ Etc etc and then once someone responds they say ‘but I show it in other ways.’ And I have repeatedly said I literally receive NOTHING. I don’t actually want to say that because it’s crap and frankly quite difficult to believe but I’ve thought long and hard about it believe me! I don’t really want anything or ask for anything and that isn’t really a problem to me and isn’t their fault that I’m youngish and been strong and independent. There’s no lifts (because I don’t need them) no cleaning up or odd jobs around the house (because I am independent and strong) no looking after the house or pets (because I pay someone to do those jobs) no anything above and beyond bare minimum birthday / Mother’s Day gifts and I am absolutely 100% fine with that. But people keep telling me that the little things matter when in this situation there are no little things, I’m not lying! So this is literally the only way when they are really given the opportunity to do anything that would be considered ‘treating me’ and they choose not to do it. I do not tell my husband about it. If we meet then he isn’t usually there so he wouldn’t know. I wouldn’t say anything to him because I wouldn’t want him to judge them because ultimately I love them and I do consider them a good person in many other ways and I don’t want anyone else to think bad of them. I do have a brother that has seen some of the instances and he thinks they’re cheeky and will say ‘I’m not being horrible but they’re a cheeky fucker to never get you a cuppa.’ Or ‘It’s cheeky to ask you to do that when you’re working and busy and you never ask for anything in return.’ And we laugh it off a bit as people often do with their siblings.

I agree this rule doesn’t exist. One of my friends is great at arranging things - thankfully as no one else takes the initiative - no way do any of us think she should pay. No one should assume anyone is going to pay - take care of your own bills.

Thank you. I would want to pay more often than not. However, when I am ordering things that are at least half the price of theirs I don’t think it’s unreasonable to think they should offer to buy their own or mine every now and again. I’m actually getting a bit cross thinking about it. There’s many people on here talking about how they would never dream of paying because their parents are wealthy etc. Well then I suspect there are lots of parents bewildered and sad when they get home that their child never offers. But not one of them has said ‘oh you know I think I probably should offer.’ So I think perhaps entitlement is more prevalent than I realised and it seems if you are that way then nothing anyone says will change how you feel. I’ve managed to reflect on my own behaviour from this thread and have decided to make some changes but the people who say they never pay haven’t. Then there’s some people that say that it’s other things that matter despite me saying repeatedly that there are no other things. The only favours being done are by me not my child. The order of the world maybe but I think if this is the way it is then in school girls need to be told that if they become a mother they will be expected to shoulder a financial responsibility until they’re in their grave. It wasn’t what I expected when I became a mother to be honest.

I think it’s ludicrous to suggest the organisers should pay. I think that there’s probably a lot of people wandering around oblivious to the fact that their parents / friends / colleagues think they’re tight. How embarrassing for them. No one will ever be able to say I didn’t pay my way and I’m proud of that. I’m not proud of my child right now and that’s really sad. I thought showing them how capable, strong and self sufficient a woman can be was setting them up well. What a fool I was.

I’ve never met a parent who won’t let their adult child buy them a drink, it’s a small gift of appreciation, it’s not funding your life or anything - just a small token. It feels like a very rigid viewpoint. Do they not allow gifts at other times like birthday Christmas and mothers day or is it only spontaneous gift they strongly object to.l?

It’s ironic that you feel you can’t mention this because of love or because you don’t want to hurt your child

It’s your job as a mother 💯 to highlight this poor behaviour

You should address it - it’s not confronting it’s a little few words over text ‘are you paying this time ☺️’

What did you expect? There's a difference between buying the odd slice of cake and a 'financial responsibility'. If your child lives independently and has their own household, and doesn't ask you for large sums of money, then I don't think they are really being a drain. A little cheap, maybe, but to be honest I'm beginning to have some sympathy with them as you sound quite passive aggressive. I would give something to hear your child's side of this. You kind of remind me of the sort of person that insists on martyring themselves and then complains that nobody helps them.

My parents are like that, I give them presents and everything but they always pay when we go out. We are all financially comfortable, them slightly more than I am.

Sounds like you have been a self sufficient human and u don't rely on anyone I wonder why you became like this Op
The only trouble with this is people become immune to the way you are so treat u as such !
And it's because you are feeling fragile and weak because of your recent diagnosis that your needing support may e be a good idea to have a family meeting and explain what your going throu and see what happens
Big hugs 🤗 🤗 🤗

Mind you ds is Autistic, he does need things spelled out to him. Not that I approve of smoking but he was smoking his friend’s cigarettes at the pub, maybe 2 he said not many - he was defending his lack of addiction by saying he wasn’t addicted because he didn’t buy any - dh and I had to tell him it wasn’t on - he had to buy a packet and hand them over - he couldn’t continually smoke other people’s. He was quite mortified - bought them a big pack at duty free to make up for it. He was really glad we told him.

There are many comments on here that state their parent wouldn’t allow them to buy them a drink if you have a read.

Haha that did make me laugh.

Have you never got up and paid first away from the table? It’s what we all do as a family - if you want to pay you do it discretely - unless your dad is controlling- then that’s a different issue.

No, I don't do that whole charade. As I say, it's just the way things work for us. We don't go out all that often. I do treat them to theatre and ballet tickets just for them, though.

Has anyone ever told you you’re tight? I think you seem tight. Stingy, mean.

Has anyone ever told you that you lack empathy? I think you do as you clearly couldn’t help but tell me I’m something no one wants to be when I’ve clearly stated in my post that I’ve received a life limiting diagnosis YESTERDAY! I think that’s unkind, cruel, mean, horrible. Excuse me for having a bit of an attitude problem the day after I found out I’m quite poorly.

So yes, I might come across to you as passive aggressive but you come across to me as not a very nice person. So we don’t really need to engage further with one another when we obviously wouldn’t like each other in real life.

Save your breath. The people commenting that they allow their parents to pay every time then just go on to talk about how much they treat their parents to soooooo many things instead. When actually I’ve been very clear in stating that none of that is happening either otherwise I wouldn’t care about a bloody cuppa would I? It’s not the same as my situation at all.

No of course you don’t try to pay - you allow it to happen and convince yourself they they really wanted to pay. You never suggest going out either because according to your rules you’d have to pay. So you wait till you’re invited and you think everyone’s ok with that.

Interesting point about single mums - I suppose something might be on it.
I guess my aunt - cousin might be in a similar place. Not sure whether (some) children of single mums just never realise their mum is a human, because they never saw anyone taking care of her? And it is very hard to change the habit, especially as not-that-young adult, because it involves considering I was wrong before.

--
Btw, I hate the paying dance with my parents, trying to guess what is expected and what will be appreciated. I wouldn't mind paying all the time, but that's not what they want. I do it sometimes, roughly half of the time, but sometimes it feels it would be less awkward to not bother.
The difference is both sides do have the money - and I suppose neither party gets sees the enjoyment in being "treated", we just like meeting each other and found external places less work than meeting at each other's home.

I think that what my child has done. Convinced their own brain that I want to pay. I think that’s why they don’t thank me because they want to remain in that trance like belief that I wanted to treat them and that they are younger and therefore automatically worse off and saying thank you makes it more real and could open the floodgates to me saying something. Or them having to face up to the reality that I have been dealt a bit of a shit hand in life and am not actually wealthy and in many ways have a more difficult life than them.

It's not like that at all. Just because you and the OP can't imagine it, doesn't mean it isn't the case. In my father's culture, children do not pay for their parents. Did you miss the part where I said I do treat them, just not the way you and the whining OP think I should?

Yanbu at all OP.
As others have written you are rightly processing your diagnosis in different ways.
I have a son that is mean.
It does change how you view them.
It makes me cringe for him.
His siblings call him out firmly and don't tolerate it.
They do buy me small gifts etc., but it makes me cringe🙄that they are tight.

You know best how your relationships are - you decided to share what you did on here as an example to OP. We don't know anything about you, so it doesn't matter how we judge you.

It reminds me of when I called out dd for never doing any cleaning around the house - she said I would have done but I thought you wanted to do it - I laughed and said we both know that's not true - you're an adult behave like one and do your fair share. It's become a bit of a joke now when I need to remind her to step up.

Thanks for being honest. I struggle with my feelings towards them so I’m so glad you’ve used the word cringe because it’s sort of an embarrassing feeling and I suppose that’s a good way to describe how I feel. I love them, I would go to war for them, I would tear off a limb for them but when I look at them I’m sort of sad that I can’t really respect them. Knowing that every time I see them they will ask me for something, either a favour that will undoubtedly be inconvenient or that it will cost me something has made not look forward to seeing them and that is really sad to me. I don’t want them to not ask me for favours, I think it’s normal but I can’t help but feel that if the favours are a one way street then they should be showing thanks (god it sounds so awful but isn’t that what we all do?) ‘Thanks for letting the cat out, there’s a chocolate bar here I remember you liked’ ’Can you make use of those chicken breasts in in the fridge with tomorrow’s date on?’ 😂 I can’t relate to them and that I think stops us being as close as we should be. Emotionally I mean, from the outside we’re close and maybe they feel close to me but emotionally for me this has caused some bigger feelings than I would have liked.

You most definitely do not. You sound like a wonderful caring person. You remind me of me if I say so myself. Rarely able to accept anything even when offered and particularly when I was In poverty myself. It’s all such a burden because we then are left feeling unworthy and taken advantage of.
im in a similar situation where my adult children see me as endlessly capable and I’m not.
but they do treat me to things occasionally and I agree it means so much.
I wish you good health op. I identify with you so much. I really understand.
I think in your position I would actually say - son I want to say something because it hurts me and i don’t think you mean to be hurtful. Now you are an adult and a parent yourself it’s noticeable that whenever we go out im expected to pay and there are two things here. I would expect some appreciation shown otherwise it feels like bad manners on your part. Secondly you have no idea how much it would mean to me if sometimes you took me out and treated me to something.
it’s the gesture and as you know I struggled as a single parent and life isn’t easy. I’m glad you see me as capable but actually I’m sometimes struggling still and I would really like to feel I’m not just there to pay for your food and drinks. So please think about this. Don’t take me for granted because one day I won’t be here.
then explain the health issues you have and that you need to be treated with a bit of care.

this is what I would say I think.
I wish you all the best