Who is being unreasonable?

[Peedoff26]

Husband has form for ruining the lead up to every holiday with work deadlines. They always coincide with when we go away or any major milestone occasion or.birthday.

This week we are due to celebrate a significant wedding anniversary. Cue the famous deadline. It was so bad this time that I asked if we should cancel rather than go. A few hours before we were due to go to the airport he said he would only need to do a few hours and would bring the laptop.

He did 2 hours yesterday but in between was zoned out a lot of the time. Then today at 3pm he was still huffing and puffing about never catching a break and he didn't know how to fix the problem.

I lost it at this stage and stormed out and blocked him. We've spent a huge amount of money on 3 nights away and he is ruining it. I went off for 5 hours and saw some sights etc. When I came back he said the problem was fixed 20 minutes after I left (bear in mind he said he didn't know when it would be fixed). He is now saying I've ruined the day and is expecting that I would want to go for dinner and a drink with him.

I just feel so done. This is the first time I've ever blocked but I'm sick of it

Breadwinner is such a prissy, old fashioned term to use

He is being unreasonable in staying in a job he's not capable of. So many men seem to stretch beyond their capability and live a life of stress, short changing their families. It's not easy, because employers push and push, but if you find the right fit for your abilities life doesn't have to be this hard.
He's also extremely unreasonable if the problem was fixed after 20 minutes in not calling you and arranging to meet you.

Had you read the posts before replying you'd have seen that it's been going on for 25 long years.

I am laughing that people actually think it's a thing, especially because I really don't think they feel that way. They just have to say that to be able to put the boot into the OP's back.

@Peedoff26 Does he do this often or ONLY when there is a holiday like Christmas, or a trip away coming up?

@Peedoff26 do you work OP?

My ex-boss was like your H, worked a lot to meet deadlines and would work on holidays too. It used to drive his wife mad. He was senior and earned a very high salary, in fact so much that his wife didn’t have to work and had the life of riley. I used to tell him ‘well she can’t have it both ways!’.

If it was a man storming off and blocking his wife, it would be called stonewalling or silent treatment and people would saying it was abusive and to LTB.

How could he ring her? She blocked him.

Maybe it needed to be done before.
No, he's rude. Yes, he may be busy with work but you either commit to a plan or you say 'sorry, can't go' rather than basically ignore the person you're supposed to be with.

Every single word of this. I've never some across a woman who does it.

Well you sound horrible egging him on and congratulating him for ruining his wife’s holiday. Probably one of the few times he’s even pretending to be available.

OP ignore all the stealth boasters desperately telling you how indispensable and important they are. And the hand maidens saying you should appreciate him and make sure the little cherub isn’t depressed.

In actual fact your husband is selfish and self absorbed. He hasn’t done anything to try and make the holiday special for you. He hasn’t tried to get up early to get the work done or say he’ll do a bit now and finish the rest after your lovely day out.

The fact he’s done this regularly and the deadlines ALWAYS come when holidays are planned is not a coincidence. I’m sorry he’s such a useless husband.

And the votes say she is correct. HE is being unreasonable.

Op already explained they are self employed so perhaps she’s not the one who’s struggling with understanding.

No he isnt the only breadwinner

its not mandatory to read a full thread before replying is it

hope you feel better for being so rude towards someone for absolutely no reason.

Even though we'd planned to go back to all.the places we'd been 20 years ago. Yeah so daft to be annoyed 🙄

I think it’s pretty rude to not bother at least reading the OPs posts in a thread before chirping in with your 2 pence worth but here we are!

Imagine blocking your husband 😬
what do you do ? What does he do?

I have occasionally worked on holiday (I’m the breadwinner) I’m paid to make sure things happen when and as they need to.

i have huge amounts of flex in my days - but took ten days off recently away from work- worked at least 2 hours every day and I always answer my phone.

if your job is not like this then you wouldn’t get it. I don’t award my prizes for this - I’ve spent weeks doing very little over summer - but when the crunch comes I’ve to crunch regardless.

you can sulk or move on… your choice.

I have and I don't holoday with him. This is a significant wedding anniversary I can hardly bring a friend instead!

OP,
Yanbu.
The only part yabu, is that you have tolerated this selfish self important narcissist for so long.

I absolutely believe people who cause drama around anything are narcissists.

It gives them a buzz.
My father was one and I recognise it well.

They love to stress the people around them.

My husband has a very big, highly paid job, and I would filet him if he did this.

You need to be honest to everyone that HE ruined the break away.
You won't be doing it again, and definitely rethink whether you want to remain married to such a selfish arsehole.

You deserve better.

He worked 7 hrs today..On a 3.day holiday celebrating a significant wedding anniversary. Acceptable?

It depends on his job realistically and your financial position. I try not to work when I’m on leave - if he’s catching up on stuff fine to be annoyed- if it’s something he has to do and is reliant on others timescales and decisions then I sympathise.

unless he’s just being a twat - and only you might know that

I agree with the theory, but clearly neither of you have met my mother! It really isnt just men

ETA....she was never the breadwinner, worked PT and kept her earnings purely for herself. And she herself admits that she was spoiled by her parents and my father enables her. If it ain't about her to start with, she makes sure that it ends up that way.

He's choosing this. If he dropped down dead tomorrow, his employer would cope. If they really couldn't, they've got management issues - no person should be a single point of failure. There should be documentation, cross-training, especially on key systems. If he's having to work on holiday, he's not managing his time well enough. I will not do on-call when I am on leave, I make sure any project work or ticket work is handed over if it can't wait. If people struggle without me, that shows my value to the company, and they should increase my pay. My work phone is off when I take leave. And I too work in IT. (And going by my colleagues past and present, he might be just as likely to depend his spare time cycling/gaming/obsessing about football etc, as much as work, so...)

You need to tell him just how pissed off you are, how disappointed you are that he can't prioritise you for one long weekend, one significant anniversary. Tell him that it's making you consider whether it's the end of the line - he needs to understand his choices do have an effect, and it could be serious enough to end your marriage.

No egging on or congratulating, simply stating fact.

Of course you were. Nasty.

It’s not fact. People who don’t work 24/7 can still afford holidays. Fact.

Wouldn’t have been so much fun if your partner ruined your holiday I’m sure.

@Peedoff26 So in 25 years of birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays, he's done this to you a minimum 100 times (presuming 1 holiday a year) and you're only now pushing back and saying 'enough'?