Who is being unreasonable?

[Peedoff26]

Husband has form for ruining the lead up to every holiday with work deadlines. They always coincide with when we go away or any major milestone occasion or.birthday.

This week we are due to celebrate a significant wedding anniversary. Cue the famous deadline. It was so bad this time that I asked if we should cancel rather than go. A few hours before we were due to go to the airport he said he would only need to do a few hours and would bring the laptop.

He did 2 hours yesterday but in between was zoned out a lot of the time. Then today at 3pm he was still huffing and puffing about never catching a break and he didn't know how to fix the problem.

I lost it at this stage and stormed out and blocked him. We've spent a huge amount of money on 3 nights away and he is ruining it. I went off for 5 hours and saw some sights etc. When I came back he said the problem was fixed 20 minutes after I left (bear in mind he said he didn't know when it would be fixed). He is now saying I've ruined the day and is expecting that I would want to go for dinner and a drink with him.

I just feel so done. This is the first time I've ever blocked but I'm sick of it

He just cant seem to manage his time. The deadlines always coincide with something important. And I mean always

No the opposite. He always wants us to go away on our own. Its me that dilutes him in a group because of his carry on. This is a wedding anniversary so couldn't be a group thing

Dh wasn’t quite as bad but would not get home from work until really late the day before a holiday which left me to sort everything out.

I just started lying, I told him to book annual leave from x date but actually booked the holiday a day later so he had a whole day at home before we left.
He did catch on but realised he liked having a day to chill.
His only relapse was working on his laptop until 1 hour before dd’s graduation, we were staying in a hotel and he had set the alarm for 5 am to begin the work, I was very annoyed.

This is absolutely a thing that men do. Ruin events, birthdays, Christmas, holidays etc.

They need to be the centre of attention or use it to be controlling or they can't stand other's expectations so they create conflict and all of a sudden they're angry with you, so they don't have to perform as the happy husband.

They also might feel uncomfortable in an intimate setting, so again, they create conflict and emotionally distance themselves from their partner.

Basically all that to say YANBU and your husband is a fucking arsehole!!

@Peedoff26 is this your silver wedding anniversary?
I would be very pissed off.

Mine is constantly working late which is annoying but I get over it. He crossed the line on this trip away. Its an anniversary ruined and can't be celebrated again

You haven't answered the questions about what he does.

CEO earning £1m per year? Suck it up that's why he earns that.

And there's a big difference between not managing his deadlines Vs there being an emergency. Same applies in terms of seniority - sometimes one person really is on the hook!

I’m so sorry.
How is his mental health? Does he feel as if he is under constant work stress?
What would happen if he didn’t do the work?

Yes and I got it as a gift. We got married abroad and have returned to where we got married on the exact dates.

But loads of people on Mumsnet think its absolutely fine for him to work the whole time

Why are you staying with him if he ruins every milestone. Fuck it. Divorce him and celebrate the anniversary of that instead. In my mind its better to be alone than with someone who ruins special moments and lonely.

My OH runs his own business and does this or very similar everytime we go away. Works right up to the last minute, is shattered for the first two days and then constant phone calls/emails/ revising specs/chasing orders while we're away. Threatenend to throw his phone overboard while on a river cruise. He's well aware he's on thin ice and I certainly wouldn't think your unreasonable at all to clear off and do your own thing for 5hrs. Have resorted to booking breaks and then telling him it starts the day before to try and ensure some respite from the horrendous last minute rush and then him being too tired to do anything. I have contemplated leaving him mainly due to thus behaviour and he's aware of that too, but his compulsion to work is very strong. So can sympathise but unfortunately have no really useful suggestions to offer.

He earns a good wage but is not senior and has no managerial responsibility. IT sector

I don't think it's ok, @Peedoff26
I'd be fuming too. It's like you're not important at all I'd be having some serious thinking.

You say that he's very keen to have holidays just the two of you. Could this simply be a time-management problem?

Or a wild guess - did he grow up with a parent who always flew into a panic at the last minute before holidays and he's copying that pattern?

Tons of misogynistic language in your post ..words that would never be applied to a man having boundaries

The work needs to be done as someone else is depending on him for the next bit. Mental health seems to be okay but he is highly strung

I'm beginning to wonder if its the end of the line

Ah ok! If it's not important enough to justify it, he's being ridiculous. Worth delving into why he's doing this.....

Still ridiculous to block him. Can you not salvage your holiday and then address the issue when you get home?

I've just had enough. I had a very important test during the week and he caused chaos in the house that morning with my daughter. So I was alresdy annoyed and went into the test very upset and anxious. Manage to pass with flying colours

IT sector - I understand this very well. My partner was being contacted late at night, and at weekends. It's not just the calls, it's the hour or two afterwards while he thinks out the solution, then the next call while he relays the solution and they input it. He wasn't getting paid for the extra time and I said he either bills for it, it stops, or I'm done.

It stopped.

Bollocks to that. He needs to manage his time better. Even in IT deadlines can be managed. He needs to inform people in advance he is OOO.

@Peedoff26 no It’s not ok, eta, him working all hours on holiday.
I think in view of the occasion perhaps try and salvage what you can of the holiday.
At least have a glass of something and perhaps toast the future whatever it brings.

My dh worked in IT, his wage was good but the stress was awful and his senior manager was a nasty person, dh ended up taking early retirement due to ill health.

You don't need to justify to anyone why you did it, not even your husband but you do have to ask your husband "what would work do if you dropped dead tomorrow?". The answer of course is that they would fill his position and in 3 months, maybe less, he'd be forgotten.

When you take that view your perspective on what's actually important shifts. Maybe it's a lesson he needs to learn, no one is indispensable.

It doesn’t matter what his level in the workplace Director or pleb ..he tells them / managers well in advance these days are his Silver Wedding anniversary and he won’t be contactable ..it’s the lowest most basic bar. Exactly what women do when their children are sick or have medical other appointments …if women can navigate this and work..so can he…we state our priorities

Sorry OP

I hate the “culture” of having to work during paid annual leave.

OP YANBU.