Who is being unreasonable?

[Peedoff26]

Husband has form for ruining the lead up to every holiday with work deadlines. They always coincide with when we go away or any major milestone occasion or.birthday.

This week we are due to celebrate a significant wedding anniversary. Cue the famous deadline. It was so bad this time that I asked if we should cancel rather than go. A few hours before we were due to go to the airport he said he would only need to do a few hours and would bring the laptop.

He did 2 hours yesterday but in between was zoned out a lot of the time. Then today at 3pm he was still huffing and puffing about never catching a break and he didn't know how to fix the problem.

I lost it at this stage and stormed out and blocked him. We've spent a huge amount of money on 3 nights away and he is ruining it. I went off for 5 hours and saw some sights etc. When I came back he said the problem was fixed 20 minutes after I left (bear in mind he said he didn't know when it would be fixed). He is now saying I've ruined the day and is expecting that I would want to go for dinner and a drink with him.

I just feel so done. This is the first time I've ever blocked but I'm sick of it

Because it’s not all about them. Bloody male ego.

With this twunt, it’s all about keeping a colleague happy at work. Rather than annoy the colleague and so he can look good to them - ‘I worked on this during my holiday for you - I’m such a great guy’ - he’d rather ruin his wife’s holiday that she’s put so much thought into. I could cry for her. The more she shares the more I want to ring his bloody neck.

Nothing wrong with going out alone. Going out alone and cutting contact is daft.

Tbf if he is in IT he probably couldn't say how long it would be if he was debugging something or trying to fix a code problem. It can take minutes or hours. That's par for the course

You are nicer than me OP a holiday to celebrate 25 years of marriage ..just 3 days ..would be just us ..no distractions ..maybe he can’t managed the ‘permitted’ / ‘not permitted’ …ok not ok dichotomy

Whatever, a decent person should want to make it special

Yes. He is.

OP I have a hunch that if you read Its Not You by Dr Ramani (or listen) you might see some patterns that fit. He sounds so similar to my ex. But obviously I’ve only got this snap shot to go on. Listen to the first couple of chapters and you’ll soon know if it fits or not. If it fits that book will be a game changer. You’ll see things through new eyes.

But he wasn't supposed to be working. If the company he works in is so rubbish that middle levels aren't covered when on holiday he should probably look for another job. IME IT is never left uncovered. He just wants to be a hero and avoid being there for his wife if this happens every time they go away. Once or twice, understandable. Every major holiday, not so much.

Really depends on exactly what he does. Sometimes if it's your code or something like that it can be really hard for someone to "cover".
Look he is absolutely in the wrong. Am not justifying his behaviour. I am merely saying that him not knowing it was going to be 20 mins isn't that unusual in IT.
OP has every right to be annoyed !

I would have done the same. And his gaslighting is infuriating.

You seem to be getting replies from egotistical people who feel attacked because they do the same to their families. Ignore them. This behaviour is rude and disrespectful. He has options for how to deal with this - has he explained why the workload increases? I can't see if he is self employed.. if not, why hasn't he asked for someone to cover him? Could it be self esteem? Is he worried he has nothing to say to you?

What a load of weird responses. This behaviour is not ok OP. My ex was like this, always had something terribly important that he simply HAD to deal with right now, and didn't I understand that he was just trying to work to make our lives better. Except it was all a lie. He just preferred doing the work stuff, most of which was unnecessary bollocks, but stroked his ego. We've been divorced for a million years and he's spent those years telling our kids that they just need to give him an hour or ten just to let him finish this very important piece of work. Blah blah blah.
In what other ways does he treat you as a second class citizen op?

Does your husband have anxiety? Could he be SEN?

I ask because some people use work deadlines as a form of masking - the change of routine can be difficult so they lean into an activity that they ate comfortable with

He is totally unreasonable in doing this, My DH used to do similar with holidays but he was senior and it would be needed, he wouldn’t ruin things - would try to get it all done asap etc. I would get him to book two days off before you go and ban his laptop from coming, that’s if you choose to ever go away with him again, I don’t think you’ve over reacted at all and hopefully your reaction will help him to see how wrong he has been,

I understand the pre-holiday push. My work can’t shift to someone else when I am gone. So when I am leaving for a bit, people above me tend to panic and get extra demanding.

I have never taken my laptop on holiday though. I draw the line there. DH does almost every time. Once he didn’t and something came up. He drove 6 hours round trip to the nearest place to buy one so he could do the required work. I wasn’t happy about, but I understood why he did it.

Blocking your husband is childish. You don’t have to sit around waiting for him, but you also shouldn’t make him worry about your safety.

He holds down a job so he’s functioning fairly well. He’s a grown adult. He understands and comprehends English. She has explained how she feels and what she needs. It’s his job to overcome any possible anxiety and be present for his wife on this special occasion. ND, SEN and anxiety are not excuses for being a dick.

There literally isn’t a single person in the entire world that can’t have a holiday at some point or other 🤣🤣 how funny!

Good for you OP - I would have done something similar. He sounds a right drama llama and now is trying to blame you for ruined holiday/anniversary!! CF

Fixed after 20 minutes - yeah right ….. I bet if you’d hung around it still wouldn’t be fixed!!
He needs to try harder!!

100% this

I’m really shocked to read some of the replies calling OP unreasonable!

So he works all through the holiday, is miserable and unbearable to be around, and he does this EVERY SINGLE TIME FOR TWENTY FIVE YEARS!

OP I’m not surprised you snapped and if all you did was block him for a few hours while you took time to calm down, I think you handled it extremely maturely.

Can you imagine how many times OP would have had a conversation about his behaviour? Explained how hurt she was? Handled all the packing and logistics because he was “working”? Asked “are you sure we shouldn’t reschedule?”?

Miss me with that bs. @Peedoff26 YANBU

I’m a partner in a law firm. It’s pretty unusual for me and any of my fellow partners to have a whole holiday without working. I’ve generally not had to do too much but some colleagues spend most of their holidays (even with young children) working. It’s far from ideal but what can they do?!

I'm shocked how many people think it's ok to work on holiday. Even DH's bosses, who own the business & are who see clients, disconnect. One's just been away for two weeks and not a peep.

DH used to do it, works for those same bosses. A few years ago he worked the entire week, no thanks, and client pulled the pin on the deal. Another time DH was getting calls and hour into the drive. He was telling people (external companies he deals with & junior colleages) he was on holiday & they ignored it. Just kept calling. DH said no more!! He got nothing out of it & bosses got the extra money from his work. He'd had enough. They accepted it, but were more than happy for him to work for free.

OP, next time either he leaves the laptop behind, or stays home with it while you go on holiday.

Is your theory that he doesn't really "need" to work, and just decides to ruin the holiday with work that isn't essential? If he is doing that, that's awful.

If the problems are genuine, and he does need to work, then it feels like a different problem. Would you downgrade your lifestyle to have him work less? Could you talk about that?

I understand the idea of not knowing how long a problem will take to fix, only for it to be fixed quickly. Sometimes the solution is the first thing you try, sometimes it really isn't.

…..not work during their holidays. All the reasoning/excuses/justifications in the world to try to get around the fact that genuinely, it’s absolutely bullshit that people ‘can’t’ have a few days away from work.

The disruption of wedding/holidays/birthdays/Xmas/mothers or father day...basically anything that isnt all about them, is a common theme amongst a certain kind of person. [coughnarcissistcough]

They just cannot bear to have someone else happy except them, especially if it involves any sort of sacrifice on their part. It will not get better and in fact will get worse as they age. They will have a fall or a medical emergency of some sort. With my mother it is "migraine". She had a "migraine" before my and then DH's millenium party, father insisted she at least show her face and she could go home early if she wanted to. Half an hour in she was having a good time and mainlining the sherry......

But @Peedoff26 Dh is nowhere near that level. He is a mid level IT specialist with no managerial responsibilities, and I very much doubt he is as indispensable as he is presenting himself to her.

Oh that’s so sad. What an arse. Hope tomorrow is better for you OP 💐

YANBU. Your Husband is a selfish, manipulative Dickhead. He’d soon be replaced at work.

Some responses excusing his behaviour are just ridiculous.

This would make me furious. I would honestly consider whether you’ll be happier on your own.