Who is being unreasonable?

[Peedoff26]

Husband has form for ruining the lead up to every holiday with work deadlines. They always coincide with when we go away or any major milestone occasion or.birthday.

This week we are due to celebrate a significant wedding anniversary. Cue the famous deadline. It was so bad this time that I asked if we should cancel rather than go. A few hours before we were due to go to the airport he said he would only need to do a few hours and would bring the laptop.

He did 2 hours yesterday but in between was zoned out a lot of the time. Then today at 3pm he was still huffing and puffing about never catching a break and he didn't know how to fix the problem.

I lost it at this stage and stormed out and blocked him. We've spent a huge amount of money on 3 nights away and he is ruining it. I went off for 5 hours and saw some sights etc. When I came back he said the problem was fixed 20 minutes after I left (bear in mind he said he didn't know when it would be fixed). He is now saying I've ruined the day and is expecting that I would want to go for dinner and a drink with him.

I just feel so done. This is the first time I've ever blocked but I'm sick of it

Agree. What can they do?! Tell everyone they’re on holiday and not take their work phone/laptop with them!

It’s a choice and it’s complete rubbish when people make out it isn’t.

"But loads of people on Mumsnet think its absolutely fine"

It's not loads of people @Peedoff26 currently, 247 of us think yanbu, with only 82 having had a lapse.

edited to update figures

I'm the only person who can do some things at my work. That means that if I'm going on holiday, I plan and do those things in advance so that they don't need doing when I'm away. Anything that could pop up while I'm away I make sure other people are trained to do. Occasionally there's something that I can't delegate (major project that has overrun due to a third party, or where the holiday was booked before the project, for example). In those circumstances, I delegate everything that can be delegated, set our "if X then Y" and make sure the team knows how to get in touch with me.

If I need to take time off unexpectedly things can be a bit trickier because I do then need to do that handover process before I can vanish, but generally we would then do the bare minimum and I'd log in for any approvals that can only come from me.

Edit: posted too soon. Basically the gist of this was - it's not rocket science. Unless there's a genuine emergency (like a cyber attack), you can just plan round this stuff. You just have to decide to prioritise it. If your husband doesn't, you have to decide what that tells you.

It sounds like he’s deliberately trying to sabotage things for you OP. It’s controlling behaviour. If he spoils everything you organise it gets him out of showing you any gratitude or encouragement. It’s horrible behaviour and completely intentional.

Of course you can. That's literally the point

I don’t think he’s particularly trying to avoid you. It sounds more like he’s just rather flakey, selfish and completely rubbish at time management (which is why he’s not CEO level yet).

It’s up to you whether you want to remain with this person.

What the fuck is ruining the lead up to a holiday? That's just normal life, not some precious event to be protected.

Everybody doesn't have the same type of job, and some you can't just down tools and switch off.

If my husband reacted in the same childish way you had I'd be annoyed.

You are clearly at the end of your tether, and not unreasonably so.

My DH is senior, high up, "big job" but very, very rarely works on holiday (I can think of 2 occasions in 8 years).

I'd be really pissed off as well.

So why go on holiday with him?!?!

Go with a friend instead and have a good time.

After 25 years surely you should have learned that he cannot leave his work behind??

I sometimes have to work on holiday. One year someone resigned the day I flew, and I spent the entire holiday dealing with the fall out on the team and others (in my industry there’s no working notice period, you go the same day). It’s just how it is sometimes - my laptop comes on holiday just in case. That said I try to prioritise holiday and will fit work in around planned activities (early morning, late at night etc.). I do think your reaction was over the top, I’d have likely said ‘ok, I’m going to go and do x / y /z, text me when you’ve solved the problem and we can meet up’

She did ask to cancel, he said it would be fine this time.

My husband had to work in the office every day throughout his ‘paternity leave’ period due to his boss saying work was too busy for him to take any leave. It was my first baby and I had no family help. He refused to kick up a fuss about it. He is now my ex husband.

I agree it's all been his choices.

The OP needs to decide if not being a priority on their 25 anniversary means she relooks at her own choices

I could not accept someone not putting me first on holiday and choosing to work

OP you are quite right to be both annoyed and upset. I cannot believe the number of people on here defending your DH!

It was a special anniversary trip and he has behaved as if you are an irrelevance, an inconvenience and like he really doesn't give a shit about you.

If this type of inconsiderate behaviour only happens during the lead up to and on holidays, then I'd just never go on holiday with him again. If it extends into everyday life I'd be seriously reconsidering my marriage.

But that is because you are normal.

Is he the only breadwinner? If he is, he may be under a lot of stress? Is he constantly under the shadow of being sacked? I mean, if this is a pattern?

Why bother even asking who's unreasonable? Clearly you don't feel you've done anything wrong and he is the unreasonable one... No matter what anyone says!!

Just rant away instead of trying to justify your behaviour.

Breadwinner? What is this? The 1950s?

OP has already said that she works and is self employed

But as others have said many times it depends on his job and what he earns whether this is reasonable. You’ve said “wage” which makes me think he’s not that well paid (but I appreciate that’s an old fashioned distinction wage vs salary). My dh works on every holiday but we work around it and I used to work in his industry so I get it. He earns mid six figures and it’s what pays for the nice holidays. If he earnt under - say - £150k (and wasn’t gunning for a promotion) I’d enforce clearer boundaries on holiday.

We all have to work our butts off to leave things so we can go on leave. Many times Ive had to do a little cover whilst on leave - no ideal, but it happens.

I appreciate it can be frustrating. Id suggest next time to book the holiday but start it a day earlier. That first day he can finish his work, the rest of the time you can enjoy yourselves. Don't kick him for being consciencious. It doesnt sound like he does it on purpose, though you may well think he does.

From your own description he hasn’t worked most of it.

is he self employed ? Do you work?

if you don’t work then maybe try and appreciate how hard working he is & that if he didn’t bother you wouldn’t be on the holiday.

maybe he does struggle to let go of work and have down time. Maybe he is worried about having convo with you/spending a long amount of time with you that he uses work to try and make it less awkward for him.

bit more communication really. Also I hope you aren’t abroad, because blocking him is not wise in the event something happens to one of you when apart.

OP has already said that no he is not self employed and yes she does work.

RTFT

I would have divorced this twat years ago. Or probably never married him.

I'm self employed. I look at emails once a day when on vacation. 99.9% get a bounce back email telling them I am on vacation until X and to contact me after that date. I have only ever taken a laptop on work trips (eg academic conferences).

Even smart phones can be forgotten (you took another phone) on charge, in another room. poor reception or you don't have a roaming app.If people cannot reach you then they will somehow have to get of their asses and muddle through themselves.

On two occasions (both pre mobiles) I have gone out of contact with family members to "teach them a lesson", One was for 24 hours. One was 3 weeks.

Its called tough love.

Yes, breadwinner. I am the breadwinner in my family. Works and self-employed can mean all sorts of things - what I meant is who is carrying the financial burden, who is the breadwinner. As a breadwinner, you can be under all sorts of stress without realising it.

He has ruined what should have been such a special time for you as a couple and seems to have no regrets. His lack of concern at spending so much time working while you had plans made to revisit your wedding of 25 years ago must be really upsetting.

He seems to have little or no awareness of what a special time this should have been for you both. That would have me questioning the whole relationship and his commitment to it. He is not being respectful or showing care for the hurt he has caused.
Incidentally, what was he doing while you were posting here?