Who is being unreasonable?

[Peedoff26]

Husband has form for ruining the lead up to every holiday with work deadlines. They always coincide with when we go away or any major milestone occasion or.birthday.

This week we are due to celebrate a significant wedding anniversary. Cue the famous deadline. It was so bad this time that I asked if we should cancel rather than go. A few hours before we were due to go to the airport he said he would only need to do a few hours and would bring the laptop.

He did 2 hours yesterday but in between was zoned out a lot of the time. Then today at 3pm he was still huffing and puffing about never catching a break and he didn't know how to fix the problem.

I lost it at this stage and stormed out and blocked him. We've spent a huge amount of money on 3 nights away and he is ruining it. I went off for 5 hours and saw some sights etc. When I came back he said the problem was fixed 20 minutes after I left (bear in mind he said he didn't know when it would be fixed). He is now saying I've ruined the day and is expecting that I would want to go for dinner and a drink with him.

I just feel so done. This is the first time I've ever blocked but I'm sick of it

For Christ's sake. Do you hear wooshing noises as points just go over your head?. It's not about the ruddy job.

I really would go home. I'd have flipped at this sabotaging bollocks ages ago. You're a lot more patient than me.

Bin him. He doesn’t care about you and hasn’t done for a long time.

Well I most certainly wasnt patient today. I just lost it. We were supposed to go around to all the locations from the day of the wedding. Now thats ruined

I don't, I think he's a complete arse and the OP should tell him to stick his job.

So he ruins important things for you and tries to sabotage your life. Probably deliberately since he gets upset with you because you dare to say he's upset you (DARVO) instead of apologising and making it up to you. Is he really worth it, considering you have at least another thirty years of his manipulation?

I am very senior in my job, and also run my own business on the side, and even I manage to mostly switch off on holiday bar the once a day check in on WhatsApp and deal with any small emergencies for approx 15 mins a day. Occasionally shit hits the fan and I need to properly work, but that's really rare. Either he's terrible at managing his time, or just uses work as an excuse to not spend time with you. Neither is good.

op most people have work deadlines because they’re going to be on or maybe he’s trying to not come back to chaos. And the not able to manage his workload- do you not feel bad for him as opposed to irritated?

He seems to be making a subconscious effort to ruin your holiday pleasure. surely the holiday didn’t come as a shock and he had time to ensure deadlines didn’t clash

Well done on passing your test, @Peedoff26

Throughout the summer this year there have been SO many posts about spoilt man-children ruining family/couples holidays.

I wonder if someone has done a study into why they like to fuck things up for their families on what's meant to be a nice break from reality.

Typical mumsnet, making a completely valid person feel insane for having feelings. Aren't we all supposed to be understanding of each other? No, OP, you're not being unreasonable, I'd be effing peed off too. Nobody has to work 24/7, it's about priorities.

I think the issue here would be if he was choosing to work on your breaks. He isn’t, he’s fed up with it and then you are making his life even harder.

We don’t plan our deadlines in many roles, they are imposed. It’s possible he could fix this by changing jobs so he works for a different boss, but equally it could be worse.

Do you not work that you don’t understand this?

That’s even worse. It’s not even just any old anniversary. It’s a really special one and a really special place. I’m so sorry OP. I don’t even think my ex would have done that (and it’s rare I find a positive in his behaviour). I think blocking him and going out is a mild reaction to be honest. I think this is devaluing and dismissing and I really think you need to have a serious talk with him.

I would probably have gone out without him as I wouldn’t see why I should sit in all day waiting and I’d rather go out and explore. I’d have said fine, call me when you’re done and I’ll let you know where I am so you can come and find me.

I wouldn’t have blocked him though. Mainly because I’m not a 14 year old drama queen.

actually wouldn’t even enter my head to block my husband!

It’s much easier to push back on a deadline when you are senior than when you are junior.

He does it EVERY time. Thats not just bad luck.

So he sorts that with work well in advance and says these days are uncontactable …it’s absolutely basic stuff …you sort it at work to honour your wife

I wasn't always senior. And he's done it every time for 25 years. That's just avoidance.

Another with misogynistic language. OP calmly explains this has happened for 25 years and she has reached her limit

So the someone else depending on his work is more important to keep happy than his wife on a special anniversary when she has planned a really thoughtfully and special trip.

Sorry but… what a cunt.

Well yes, so a junior person goes to their manager in January and says these 3 days in September are absolutely sacrosanct my 25 anniversary; my wife has put up with an awful lot from me working out of hours etc.., I will NOT be available from X to X date. Simple and completely legitimate

Hes not junior. Probably middle management without the management bit. Thing is I didnt mind the laptop coming and him doing a bit but it took over the whole day. And he couldn't/wouldn't tell me.when he'd be finished. And yet when I stormed out it was fixed 20 minutes later.

I hear you OP and you’re not being unreasonable. My ex was like this. Every time. Our final holiday together was a really expensive one to the Caribbean. I checked, double and triple checked the dates with him beforehand, to make sure they worked with his commitments. Then the day before we went he announced that he’d need to bring his laptop just to do a couple of hours to finish something off. Then it became these holiday dates that I insisted on. Ended up working all day every day, and making us all (young adult offspring too) get up at 7.30am so we could have breakfast together before he started work. Didn’t come on a single excursion. Then bitched about the kids coming when if they hadn’t been there I’d have had nobody to talk to for 2 weeks.
One day I walked past our balcony and he was sitting there reading on his kindle. Turns out the early starts were so that he could phone his girlfriend in a different time zone. Holidays are much better now. Don’t make someone a priority if they show you repeatedly that you’re not a priority to them

He's choosing to work on the holiday. They could have postponed it or cancelled, he chose not to. The OP is self employed. OP went out for the day without him, and had to block him because he kept contacting her while he was "working". He's an arse. His boss is nice.
I think some people are seeing a completely differently OP to the one I've been reading.

OMG what an absolute prick