Is my dad being unreasonable?

[AnimalChaos]

My dad gives all his grandchildren a lump sum on their 25th birthday. The grandchildren are all in their twenties so have either received it already or will receive it very soon.

My sister has 2 children who have both received it. She also has 2 step children, one has just turned 25 and one is 23. She has been their step mum since they were 10 and 8.

My dad did not give her stepchild child the lump sum for his 25th birthday and my sister has fallen out with him over it. She thinks he is unreasonable for not giving her step children the same. My dad’s reasoning is that he wants his money to go to his biological grandchildren.

Would you say my dad being unreasonable? My sister wants me, our brother and all of our children to tell our dad he should give her stepchildren the same lump sum. I’ve said I sympathise but we can’t tell him how to spend his money and it’s a shame to fall out over it.

My brother has 2 children and a stepchild who is 22. He has said it’s up to our dad what he does with his money. He’s been his step dad since he was 13.

I have 2 children and no step children.

No not being unreasonable

but this is pretty outing and basically asking people to bitch about either your sister or dad… so why do it?

I agree nobody can tell your father how to spend his money.
But I can understand why your sister is upset.

I’m with your dad on this. They aren’t his grand kids.

Most of AIBU is made of personal scenarios like this. Are you new to MN?

And the OP is getting advice from objective strangers on her issue, as you ask why she did it.

It’s upsetting for the stepchildren who will now realise that they’re not actually viewed as his grandchildren. But your father is of a different era.
I have a similar situation where my father will do things for his biological grandchildren but not his two stepchildren. It can be a bit of a sticking point but then they are receiving gifts from two other sets of grandparents that my DD isn’t.
But ultimately, his money his decision

I get why she is upset - I think it depends on how close you all are. Have these grandparents had as much to do with the step children as bio grandchildren? How often do they see him? Are they as present as the other grandchildren?

It's your dad's money and he can give it where he wishes. Any pressure from his family is grabby and distasteful.

If your brother in law and your sister want all the children to be treated equally, they should have made provision to give the other two children a equivalent amount themselves. It's not as if it was unexpected.

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable. I also don’t think he’d have been unreasonable to have given it to them.

Basically it’s up to him, and I would not be getting involved.

They aren't his grandchildren.

Your sister is BVU

Is this your first time on MN?

So the money would either need to be split 5 ways or 8 ways, assuming your sister didn’t expect him to gift even more of his money.

I think it’s understandable he wants to proritise his biological grandchildren. He is doing a lovely thing giving them a gift

I'm with your dad on this one, they would also have their mother's family. Your dad isn't their fbio family and would mean less money for his biological gc if he spilt it with step gc too. Gotta draw the line somewhere.

It’s always difficult with step children but it’s important to remember that they presumably have another set of grandparents to inherit and receive gifts from.Unless that set of grandparents are intending to treat your children the same, things can be quite unfair. My children get zilch from their Dad and his family, and never will. My partner’s kids get generous support from their maternal GPs but I wouldn’t expect my two to receive anything. from my step children’s GPs, even my partner’s parents who have been in one of their lives since they were 7.

Very different if they’ve been involved all their lives and it doesn’t mean they’re not loved by your Dad, best to try and take the emotion out of it, hard though that is.

But they’re not his grandchildren. They’re his daughter’s step children.

A token sum would have been nice but he doesn’t need to be treating them the same as his own grandchildren when it comes to something like this.

Is she going to insist that whatever they get from their own mum’s side, they should share with her children?

His money and his decision. I’d tell her you’re not telling your dad how to spend his own money. It’s very generous of him anyway.

He’s not being unreasonable. Presuming the step children also have grandparents on their mums side, ask your sister if she expects them to gift her children the same as her step kids get? Or is it only the step kids that should benefit from having 6 grandparents?

They could split up tomorrow and him never see them again, where as his biological grandchildren will always be in his life.

I think it's questionable that its a lovely thing.
All it's doing is causing upset in the family. He might have been better not to have caused all this division in the family and done something else with his money.

Gosh I can see both sides here.

For me it would depend on whats happening on the maternal side for the step children. If they have loving and supportive grandparents/mum there then they have the support they need and will likely recieve help not open to your sisters biological children. Therefore fine for your dad not to be obligated to be another grandparent to them. If their family circle is just as wide as your sisters childrens they should be treated the same. However it doesnt matter how we see it. Your dad can do what he wants with his money and whilst i feel for your sister noone should put pressure on him to give away money.

Your Dad's not unreasonable if he wants his money to go to his grandchildren only that's his choice.

Your dad is not being unreasonable. It doesn’t matter how long they’ve been with your sister, she isn’t their mum and he isn’t their granddad.

That’s the thing about blended families. They expect everyone to acknowledge the pretence too.

Your sister is unreasonable.

Blood matters, unless adopted by your own children, then I believe they should be treated exactly the same.

It’s common these days for people to assume that a step-child is now the same as that persons own children and it’s just disingenuous IMO. You might really like your step-children, love them even, but if it comes down to it, if a choice is needed most people always choose blood.

If the parent of the step-child split from the daughter, that relationship with the in law and their children would likely end. That’s the difference.

And the additional grandparents thing is also very relevant - even if SC grandparents don’t have the means to make a lump sum payment it doesn’t make it your dad’s responsibility.

I have half siblings who get a lot of money from their grandparents.

They've been in my life since I was young and I've always been given token amounts for Christmas/ birthdays - which can be generous - but nothing like the £££'s that my siblings get, especially on milestone birthdays.

Honestly, I've never felt particularly resentful about it. My siblings are their biological grandchildren and I am not.

If I were in their position I'd like to think I would treat all the children the same, but it's a different generation, and different people just see things differently.

It's fine and I don't overthink it. I'm not hard done by, it's all good.

Your sister needs to leave your dad to decide what to do with his money. It's up to him.

No, they technically have grandparents through their other parents (even if they don’t see them).

I understand that these aren’t short term relationships and they are fully part of the family but that doesn’t mean things are fully equal.

I assume your parents see your partners as family - but that doesn’t mean they’re going to give them as much inheritance as they give you.
They might want to give you sentimental jewellery etc but they’re not going to be expected to do the same to all of your partners are they.

Your partners are not going to be making decisions about care or funeral arrangements either.

Some things are different for biological family members vs non-biological members.

Will the step children’s grandparents also be giving their step siblings money?